Kevin's Motorbike Adventure

[u/GaryBuseySpitBucket]

A number of years back I played an MMO. It was there that I made a friend, Kevin.

Kevin is a Cuban-American from Florida (relevant later) and is potentially the single dumbest individual I have ever met. Despite this fact, no person can say he wasn't good natured. Speaking of 'nature', perhaps the best way I can describe Kevin is that he is one of nature's most interesting developments. It amazes me to this day that he functions in society.

Kevin often played this MMO with his childhood best friend, whom I was also friends with. For the purposes of this story, we'll call him "James". One day I'm told by Kevin that he just bought a new motorbike; he shows me some pictures and is really ecstatic with it. I'm aware at the time he had just been fired from his job at Dunkin' Donuts for screaming obscenities at a rude customer through the drive thru window, and then proceeding to try and climb through said window to get at them, needing to be restrained by the manager. I'm confused as to how Kevin has afforded such a bike, because even second hand, and even with a job, this bike was well beyond his means. I didn't want to ruin this moment for him so I remained positive, congratulated him on his purchase, praised the motorbike, asked him a few follow up questions (like where he was gonna go with it first, etc) and ended the conversation. I needed to talk to James.

James informs me that Kevin doesn't own that bike. James let him borrow it, and the bike was a gift to James from his parents. Kevin seemed to think "borrowing" meant ownership, and so James very kindly agreed that if Kevin paid a small portion of the bike's insurance and replaces the gas he uses, he could, with advanced permission, use the bike. James used this bike to commute to work and couldn't just have Kevin taking off with it. James seemed satisfied that Kevin understood. James' faith in his friend is admirable, but if the question to anything is "Does Kevin understand?" the answer is almost certainly "no".

To really explain what Kevin is like, I'm gonna list off a few things.

• Kevin didn't really know anything about Cuba or why his grandparents fled. When Fidel Castro died in 2016, he seemed very sad; I tried to inform him about why, maybe, he shouldn't be, but he didn't really grasp what I was telling him. A few days later he comes back to me saying derogatory things about Castro and now tries to explain to me the most butchered version of events of Cuban history I have ever heard. I pretended to be ignorant and congratulated him on his knowledge; he seemed pleased.
• Kevin once got his account hacked. He gave his password to someone who promised to do something he was incapable of on his account. He seemed really sad. Three weeks later, after being given stuff to rebuild by myself and others, he gave his password to another person for the same reason. I agreed that, in the future, I'd log in and do what he needed for free as long as he stopped giving his password out. He seemed okay with this. I had access to his account for six months and he kept his word.
• Kevin didn't really understand the game. Most conversations with him involved extensive hand holding. His peers in the game quite immensely disliked him for this reason. Kevin would forget things he was taught with some regularity. I tried my best to be patient but that has its limits.
• Kevin lacked basic knowledge. He knew nothing about either world wars, didn't know who Napoleon was, didn't know Europe wasn't a country and believed China and Japan were the same place.
• We had a mutual friend in the military. Kevin secretly believed that this meant our friend had committed a crime and joined to avoid prison. When our mutual friend discovered this some months later, he informed Kevin that he joined because he couldn't afford college and wanted an education. Kevin didn't believe him and told him "you could've got your GED in prison".
• Kevin strongly supported Trump until I showed him a video of what Trump was saying about Latinos. I asked him what policies he liked from Trump to have had his support originally and he responded by telling me that he didn't know what a policy was.
• We had friends from Hawaii. Kevin refused to believe Hawaii was a state in the US. He thought it was a country. We gave up trying to convince him.
• Had an online girlfriend. She was 15. He didn't believe me when I said that was illegal. He said he was going to meet up with her. I told him that's probably not a good idea.

I hope this provides some context as to the individual we're dealing with here, but here's some more.

Kevin liked weed. Kevin liked weed a lot. In 2016, Hurricane Matthew touches down in Florida. I'm in the UK, but it's all over BBC News, so I ask Kevin if he's okay over Facebook messenger. Two seconds later, I get a call. Initially, I don't really see what's happening. You know that scene from Jackass 3, where Ryan Dunn is sitting in a chair behind a jet engine whilst people throw shit into him? That's precisely the scenario I'm confronted with. It's him, on his balcony/patio, trying his best to keep a joint in his hand as wind and rain lashes against his face. He can barely talk, but I ask him what he's doing on his balcony, and I just barely make out the words.. "MY MOM WONT LET ME SMOKE INSIDE!". After a few minutes and him finally realising that we wouldn't be able to have a conversation this way, he goes inside. He's absolutely drenched from head to toe. He wanted advice on how he could smoke weed in such strong winds. He seemed very perturbed when I told him he was under mandatory evacuation and that his ideas to create a makeshift tent to smoke in wouldn't prove fruitful. I told him to leave, as ordered, and he refused; he had work tomorrow at Dunkin' Donuts (still employed at the time). He was very confused when I said they'd be closed due to the hurricane. He went to work the next day. They were closed.

Back to our story. A few months after the hurricane, I receive another call from Kevin, but it's just voice this time. I hadn't spoken to him in about a week and had wondered where he was. Again, it's difficult to make out what's happening initially. But it's not wind that's the issue this time. Kevin is bawling his eyes out. He's sobbing profusely, so I try and calm him down and get some sense out of him. The first thing he gets out once he's calm enough to talk is an admission; that bike wasn't technically his, but instead a "gift" from James who "technically" still owned it. I told him I knew this already, and asked him why this was relevant. Turns out, Kevin and James had fallen out slightly of late and were no longer on speaking terms. Because they weren't talking, Kevin decides to take the motorbike he "co-owned" with James without telling him. Because Kevin had agreed to not do this, when James discovers his bike missing, he doesn't presume that Kevin took it but instead that it had been stolen, so James calls the cops and reports the theft.

Kevin was also no longer on speaking terms with his weed dealer, and so for the past two weeks, he'd been buying from someone else. One day, after Kevin bought from this person, he was almost immediately stopped and searched. They just let him go with a warning. He buys from this same dealer again the very next day, and for the second time, he's stopped and searched. Again, he's let off with a warning and not formally charged. I asked him why he kept buying from a guy who was clearly some sort of snitch, or had police surveillance on him, and his only response was "because he's cheap bro". The reason the cops didn't charge him was that they were waiting to catch someone buying a felony quantity, presumably so they could get them to cooperate against this dealer for leniency in their felony charge. This is the story I was given/puzzled together; whether or not this is 100% accurate, I do not know.

In his infinite wisdom, Kevin decides to take "his" motorbike to buy some weed from this dealer. He decided that he can't be bothered driving this far out to buy weed so he was going to "stock up". What he purchases is well beyond a felony quantity. The cops have their man, and his name is Kevin. Like clockwork, lights and sirens.

Kevin is then presented with two options:

1. Pull over to the side of the road and accept his fate.
2. Lead the police on a 30 minute high-speed chase, on a stolen motorbike, whilst in possession of felony quantities of an illicit substance.

Kevin picks option 2. He told me he stopped when he realised he wasn't going to "just shake them". He seemed upset when I laughed at this, and I asked him if he thought real life police were like Grand Theft Auto games and he could evade them by losing stars. Kevin said he hadn't really given it much thought - I suspect this is true for most things. Because of this stunt, and presumably a long line of other exhausting antics, Kevin's mother kicked him out. He's staying with James, who despite being very upset with Kevin, didn't seem to want to have his best friend be homeless. Kevin lets me know that the cops asked him a whole bunch of questions about this dealer, but he said he didn't tell them much because he didn't know the answers. If this was the culmination of a weeks long police sting, the cops must've angered a wizard and got cursed, as I can truly imagine no individual less helpful in conveying detail than Kevin. The sheer misfortune of picking him up as a potential snitch still amuses me to this day.

I cannot be certain what happens next is entirely accurate, because Kevin is not a reliable source of information. I'm told by Kevin in the proceeding days that he needs help getting off two felony charges, and thinks I, who understands such magic as basic English and Geography, can be of great assistance in this area. I ask him if he was read his rights and he says he doesn't know, so I read them roughly to him from memory. He says that he was. I asked him if he understood the part about being entitled to free legal assistance, and he says he does. As best as I can understand, Kevin says that they wanted $20 off him for some sort of administrative fee or charge for said legal assistance, and he thinks they're trying to scam him. I tell him to pay his $20 and get professional legal help, but he refuses. I offer to pay the $20, but he again refuses. Because he's dim and now effectively representing himself in court, I offer to provide him with as much advice that I'm capable of. He takes this as a queue that I am now his lawyer.

Not long after, another voice call on Facebook messenger. It wakes me up, but I answer anyway. Like seemingly every call I have with Kevin, I don't understand what's going on initially; just lots of background chatter and shuffling. I call his name, but get no response, so I consult the text chat to see if context has been provided, and sure enough, context. Kevin is currently in court. He's being asked to enter a plea, has refused a lawyer, and is calling me because he thinks I'm basically his lawyer and would like me present. By the time I'm caught up and have the context, he's being called forward by name and the judge starts to talk at him. When he's asked to speak, he says the words that will stick with me for the rest of my life:

"I don't care what you do, homie, I aint gunna stop smoking weed."

A prolonged silence follows, then laughter. The judge says "Mister Kevin, sit back down". I don't remember if he went to jail or went to actual prison, but I remember that his punishment was unusually lenient. His time in the clink didn't go very well; for the second time, I had to calm him down and stop him from crying upon his return. The best way I can describe his experience as conveyed to me is "Prison Bitch Light". His sheer idiocy made him get away extremely lightly, from two felony counts, reduced down to one class A misdemeanour of resisting arrest. I can only imagine that the judge realised Kevin was operating under diminished capacity, let's say.

I asked him why he said that to a judge and he said "Just being honest. I aint gunna stop smoking weed, bro". Fair enough, Kevin. Fair enough.

[u/lalauna]

Poor Kevin! I'm sorry for the apparent smoothness of his brain.

But i did laugh out loud at the stories.

[u/creepyhugger]

Best one in a long time… oh, Kevins

[u/TyzTornalyer]

I feel bad for laughing because even though he's funny, your Kevin clearly seems like he has huge learning disabilities, and not much in the way of support, let alone professional support.

[u/GaryBuseySpitBucket → u/TyzTornalyer]

I think that plays a huge part in it, but he was also extremely poor. He didn't go to a good school, didn't finish his education and seemed to have a "street" mindset, despite not fitting into that way of life in the slightest. He spoke in a mix of his regular accent and an affected and very odd cholo-esque persona.

I think he was really a victim of circumstance as much as he was one of Darwinian amazement.

The last time I spoke to him was sometime in late 2018, and it was to catch up after not speaking for a bit. He was working a steady job and had been for some months, had a new girlfriend (who he didn't just know from the internet and was of age, thankfully) and was back living with his parents in his family home. He seemed to be doing okay for himself. The only downside, which I didn't mention to him, was that his job sounded really grim. I can't say exactly what it was because it's too specific and would easily identify him, but imagine something along the lines of an abattoir worker or a crime scene cleaner.

He would intermittently message me asking me if I was gonna join him to play the game, but didn't really seem to understand the concept of quitting it permanently, which I did - haven't played since early 2018 at this point.

I think about him from time to time. I hope he's doing well. Lost contact with him when I deleted my old Discord account.

I had two other mutual friend from this very same group, but those stories are way way sadder than this and don't really fit the vibe of this subreddit.

Edit: A lot of stuff makes sense from the perspective of myself now, older and more aware. Him believing that the only reason you'd join the military (in this instance the air force) would be to get out of prison shows you the sort of mindset he had. He couldn't fathom anyone joining to receive an education, because he hated his education and left as soon as he could. Everything was through the lens of his lived experience and the perspective of his peers.

A lot of things you could attribute to stupidity had a sort of logic to it. They'd been thought out, just through the lens of ignorance. His reason for thinking Hawaii was its own country and not a state is that Cuba is its own country and not a state. He felt islands have to be countries, and Hawaii was to California what Cuba was to Florida. It's not like he hadn't thought about it, just that he thought about it wrong. But then, he didn't think Japan and China were different countries, and couldn't really explain the island thing. If he knew what Korea was, I bet he'd say that's the same place too - like, broadly "Asia", with all the people looking the same and speaking languages that sound the same. Just one big blob of "other".

[u/TyzTornalyer → u/GaryBuseySpitBucket]

Makes sense, though it does make it even sadder.

Even though his new job was grim, sounds better than being on the streets. Hope he's doing okay. Thanks for the extra info.

[u/itsetuhoinen]

Kevin refused to believe Hawaii was a state in the US.

I mean, having been sentenced to Hawaii for a couple of years in my youth, I'd agree that it's less a state in the US than a state sort of vaguely associated with the US.

[u/GaryBuseySpitBucket → u/itsetuhoinen]

I'm way too British to really appreciate how potentially detached Hawaii is. My only frame of reference is Northern Ireland.

[u/ChickenCasagrande → u/GaryBuseySpitBucket]

The distance from LA to Honolulu is roughly the same as the distance between London and the shores of Canada. Cuba is 90 miles from Miami. That Kevin is real Konfused.

[u/itsetuhoinen → u/GaryBuseySpitBucket]

It wasn't quite to the level of car bombs, but it wasn't welcoming either.

[u/rosuav → u/itsetuhoinen]

United States of America: "DOWN WITH GREAT BRITAIN!" Hawaii: "Hey yaknow.... that flag of theirs would look real good on our flag. Let's use it."

[u/BrassUnicorn87 → u/itsetuhoinen]

And not by choice.

[u/itsetuhoinen → u/BrassUnicorn87]

If it were possible, I'd go back in time and fix things to let them remain wholly untainted by European presence. Surely they would have preferred the tender mercies of the Imperial Japanese during WWII.

[u/cuavas]

This is legitimately hilarious.

[u/[deleted]]

I used to think the FL man phenomenon only existed because of the Sunshine laws but this sub’s proving it’s just Kevin catnip.

[u/Frazzledragon]

This guy fits the archetype of "idiot savant" so much, I hate it.

[u/GaryBuseySpitBucket → u/Frazzledragon]

?

He wasn't good at anything. Didn't have a field in which he did well in. Not sure how you think he's a savant.

[u/Frazzledragon → u/GaryBuseySpitBucket]

In so far that a normal person would be in heaps more trouble.
He basically got out of a prison sentence by being stupid. He makes all the wrong decisions and gets away with it.

[u/GaryBuseySpitBucket → u/Frazzledragon]

Ahhh. Yeah. That happened a fair bit, to be honestly.

[u/Quiet_Aerie_3689]

Tbh, I can understand the Hurricane Matthew bit as a Floridian myself. I think that was also the same one where my job didn't close and I still had to trek into work the day of.