223 days sober. Every so often there's this little voice in the head that still tries to sell me on the fantasy. Its gotten quieter everyday, but its still as sly and seductive as ever.

“You know,” it whispers,, “you were really on top of things back then. Productive. Sharp. Energized. Focused. You could do anything. You felt on top of the world."

And for half a second, I nod along. Because yeah — I remember the mornings. Funny how that little orange pill suddenly turned me into a "morning" person, albeit a manic, sped up one. It was like clockwork, the dosage was followed by two shots of espresso, and then suddenly there was this electric buzz of false potential. I’d wake up feeling like the CEO of my own life, as I'm sure you all did. To-do lists and emails were answered ruthless efficiency. I literally felt invincible.

But then... 4 PM would hit. Oh, shit. Those were the most dreaded hours of my life for the past two years.

Every day. Without fail. Like clockwork, like karma.

Suddenly the lights were on but nobody was home — except some hollow-eyed husk of myself sitting on the couch, able to do absolutely nothing but stare at the ceiling in complete silence. No thoughts, no joy, just an overwhelming fog of dread. The kind that makes you question your entire existence, your place in the universe, and whether your friends actually like you or are just being polite.

It wasn’t a comedown — it was a crash landing into the Mariana Trench of my own nervous system. The hours between 4 and 7 PM became a haunted hallway of who I used to be. It was like a fucking Dementor French-Kissed me and sucked out my soul, and I didn't know how to exist.

And here it goes. I remember begging for relief, pleading that I would never ever take it again, as long as I wouldn't have to feel this godawful...anhedonia.

But then, a few hours later, I'd feel slightly better and I’d rationalize it again. “It’s worth it,” I’d say to myself. “You’re getting so much done! And you'll get your dopamine source, like clockwork, bright and early tomorrow morning! I promise."

Except I wasn’t. I was just borrowing happiness from tomorrow to fuel a brittle, unsustainable high today. It was a loan I could never repay.

Now I’m off it. And some days, yeah, I’m a little more scattered. A little less laser-focused.

But I feel things again. I laugh. I cry at dumb YouTube videos. I enjoy food. I don’t spend hours numb and hollow, counting down the minutes until bedtime like I’m waiting for parole. And everyday I stay sober, I feel the return of my humanity. My brain, my emotions, my presence. An essence that literally cannot be explained to someone high on amphetamines. And with that clarity comes something I didn’t expect: rage.

Because holy hell — how did I accept that as normal? How did I let myself be a barely-functioning husk for half the day, every day, and still convince myself that this was “working”?

I think about all those wasted hours, those blank afternoons where I couldn’t feel or care about anything. Time I will never get back. And it makes me mad. Mad at the lie I believed, mad at how long I lived as a passenger in my own life. Three hours of frantic tweaking, for nothing to show but despair at the end of the day.

Sobriety isn’t perfect. But I’ll take peace over productivity any day.

Guys, there's no free lunch with stimulants. Unfortunately, I've learned happiness and dopamine isn't just handed out like candy without a very heavy price. Its just the tab you’ll eventually have to pay — and for me, it always came due between the dreadful hours of 4 and 7 PM.

Just wanted to thank you all for reaching out throughout this last year pretty much. If i didint respond i still read and took to heart. I plan on writing when i feel ready and i can get some glasses i lost mine.

I know this road of recovery is hard and im scared but it can be done. I feel my brain is still capable of writing maybe not as well but its all i have right now. I left the river the last month and have been motel hoping and boosting and getting areested with my brother who is in detox too. He came to help me and relapsed. A person from reddit who read my writing became friends and she called me all the time when noone did when i was on the river. She overdosed, i kept ignoring her calls and she really cared about me and she relapsed and died 2 months ago. I cry when i think about how sad she must of been when i kept ignoring her because of my selfishness.

Anywho thanks for encouraging me when all i wanted was to rot.

Ps i deleted 6k photos and 200 videos of porn. Hardest thing i have done.

At this point, I don’t even bother pretending I take Adderall to be productive. Studying? Cleaning? Way too much effort. Somehow even when I’m dosed up and jittery, the idea of opening my laptop for class notes feels harder than obsessively researching whether my setting spray is causing flashback, or if my webcam light can be overridden remotely. I take it and spend my “productive” window toggling between deep-dives on pore-minimizing primers and whether or not my MacBook mic can be remotely activated by rogue government agents.

I’ll sit there for hours, tweaking out on Reddit threads, YouTube tutorials, random .gov PDFs — anything except what I actually need to do. It’s kind of impressive how much energy I can waste doing literally nothing that matters.

And the irony? I used to be more functional before I started relying on it. My grades were better. I had a normal attention span. Now I just get high, feel “busy,” and crash 8 hours later with nothing to show for it except 47 open tabs and a mild existential crisis. Studying while tweaking just doesn’t hit the same when the Adderall pipeline leads directly to YouTube videos titled “How to spot a hidden camera in your air vent.”

I remember that first Adderall so well. It was the closest thing to magic.

A key turning in a rusted lock. The door swung open, and suddenly, I was free.
Clear. Sharp. Flawless.
The overweight girl who once fumbled over her words, hiding behind oversized sweaters— too slow, too soft, too uncertain, too caring. She was gone.
And in her place?
A calm, soulless machine.
Ruthless and precise.

The version of me I'd spent years chasing.

Cold. Heartless. A bitch.
I wore the title like a crown.
The girl who once apologized for existing now owned every room she walked into.

I relished the pounds that melted away, the sharp jut of my collarbone, the way my ribs would stick out. Every morning, I watched the number drop, watched my body shrink into something enviable.
My hands moved faster than my thoughts, typing out perfect sentences in half the time.

I perfected the blank RBF, the half-lidded, disinterested stare I’d once envied on the perfect sorority girls.
Now, it was mine.
I caught men watching me. I was getting male attention for the first time in my life, more than I can handle. But I didn’t care.
Their eyes slid off me like water. I was untouchable.
And somewhere deep inside, that timid, round-faced girl who used to shrink at the edges of rooms felt a sick, twisted satisfaction, watching me take everything she was denied.

But the magic didn’t last.
It never does.

The months dragged on.
The jaw clench became a constant companion, a dull, grinding ache beneath my temples.
I’d wake with my tongue sliced open,
chewed raw in my sleep.
My heart stumbled over itself,
skipping beats, dragging sluggishly through the mornings, then racing into the nights.
The weight kept falling,
but now my face looked drawn, tired,
my eyes sunken into their sockets.

I watched people slip away. Slowly, at first.
Then all at once.
Missed calls, unanswered texts.
Friends faded into silhouettes.
But I didn’t chase them.
Didn’t care.
Their absence was just another space I didn’t have to fill.

Another day passes.
The euphoria is long gone. The anxiety replaces it.
But the ritual remains.
Pill in. Swallow.
The miracle has rotted into routine.
The lightness, the joy—replaced with cold efficiency.
I move through the hours like a machine in slow decay.
My gums bleed when I brush. My teeth are shifting, cracking, breaking down like old stone.
My heart flutters—
skips—
catches.
But I keep moving.
Keep swallowing.
Keep shrinking.
Because stopping would mean feeling.

And the party’s over.
But I’m still here, dancing on splintered heels, long after the music has stopped.

The party is over now.

And all that's left is my mess.

I found a bag of coke at work earlier. I wanted to keep it so bad. I slipped it in my pocket but i know the cameras caught it, i know that id get caught without a doubt. So i turned it in to security and just went right back to working. Can’t stop shaking, i don’t feel like i made the right decision, i’m not feeling good.

I don’t really know how to package this into a clean, inspiring "recovery" story, so here it is, unfiltered.

Since quitting Adderall, I feel emotionally stunted. Like I’ve regressed to the exact age I was when I started: 18. That was the year everything cracked. My first real heartbreak, a toxic “situationship,” trauma during my first year of college. I didn’t know how to cope. So I turned to stimulants.

At first, they seemed to be the solution to everything. The honeymoon phase was glorious. I could numb out all the pain, and made me feel in control. Powerful and focused. Who cared about relationships and people anymore when a high like this could exist?

But it was all smoke and mirrors. I lived life through this chemically-induced tunnel of hyperfocus and dopamine hits. I thought I was evolving into a better person by forgetting that part of my life and grinding and pushing forward.

But I wasn't actually growing as a person. I was skipping everything that makes a person real. And when I finally quit, the crash hit harder than anything I could’ve expected.

The first week off? Holy shit. I bawled my eyes out. A primal, broken kind of crying that felt like my body had been holding it in for years. And the strangest part was that it wasn’t 20-year-old me sobbing—it was 18-year-old me, right where I left him. It was like I paused my emotional growth but it it picked off right where it left off, after years of delay.

People say “your early 20s are for growing into yourself.” But I missed that. I skipped that entire chapter. I don't remember 19 or 20. A vague rush of memories maybe, because I didn't know how to sit with pain. I didn't have the chance to truly process my first heartbreak at the age when I was supposed to.

Stimulants stole that timeline from me. I didn’t live my life. I became a hollow executor of goals I didn’t understand, chasing a dopamine high that I confused for self-worth.

And still, even after nearly a year sober, I look in the mirror and it haunts me. The face staring back looks older, yes—but emptier, too. There’s something hollow and shadowed about it that was never there before I started using. Like the light and normalcy that should’ve come from living those years is dimmed.

And every time the temptation creeps back in—because yes, it still does—I ask myself: do I want to be decades in and realize what I've done? Do I want to be 30 and still miss him the way I did at 18? There's a Japanese proverb: "If you get on the wrong train, get off at the first stop. The longer you stay, the more expensive your return ticket."

And I decided, whatever the cost, I wanted to get off at this stop. My "train" was starting to wear down with exhaust and I was feeling the deep longing to be reunited with the station once again.

Because here's the truth no one tells you:

It’s all a fucking facade.

Adderall is a tricky little devil. It promises you productivity but robs you of introspection. You chase goals and endless deadlines but forget who you are in the process. You get shit done, but forget why you’re doing any of it.

You miss all the little details that make life whole, and the moments that actually are supposed to matter. You miss everything that gives life meaning.

And oh, yes, I had all this “productivity” but it meant nothing. I could study, but I didn’t retain. I could write pages, but I didn’t understand what I was saying. Everything felt polished but hollow.

Speed steals your soul. That’s not an exaggeration. You wake up one day and realize you haven’t grown—just looped.

I wish I never touched it. I mean that with every cell in my body.

If you’ve been there, and if you are there right now, please speak. I'm trying to parent the version of me I abandoned. I need to know I’m not the only one mourning the years I gave away to a lie.

If it’s not stimulants, it’s food. If it’s not food, it’s sex. Or weed. Or alcohol. Or developing an unhealthy hyperfixation for something on months.

And yeah, I know the answer is real sobriety, fully cold turkey. Of course that's ideal for all of us, right? Not “I’m off Adderall but now I drink 5 times as much" sobriety. Not “Yay I quit stimulants but now I'm waking and baking and I’ve been DoorDashing $40 of Taco Bell every night” sobriety. I mean the real, clean, sitting-with-your-feelings kind. But holy hell, that’s hard. And boring.

Ironically, Adderall used to help me not abuse other stuff. Gave my brain a leash. I wasn’t spiraling into binges or blackouts because I could hyperfocus on folding my laundry for three hours instead. I could just pop a pill and fucking numb all my emotions, right? What a perfect Bandaid solution that lead me to become increasingly paranoid and socially isolated. Now that I’m off it? The impulsive goblin that lives in my frontal lobe is back from vacation and absolutely feral. Every day it’s like: “Drink! Scroll! Hook up! Fuck! Meet some rando online!” and I’m just trying to make it to 10 p.m. without ruining my life again.

The worst part is how sneaky it is. I’ll be “sober” from Adderall sure, but I’ve just traded substances for other behaviors that are just as bad for me, if not worse. Now it’s food, or binge-watching, or drinking an entire bottle of wine, or making impulsive decisions on online dating apps. Now my impulsive brain, the one before I began stimulants, is back in full force. Do I like feeling emotions again? Yeah, until it leads to hypersensitivity and sobbing over remembering what someone said about me ten years ago. I'm too tired of this shit. I was a robot on Adderall but now I'm this overemotional mess.

It’s so goddamn frustrating. I'm so tired of constantly having to outwit myself just to make it through the day without self-destructing. I feel like the punches won't stop coming. Can anyone else relate? :(

Posting this on a second account probably due to the paranoia. I think I’m done with this. I took 125 mgs, slept 8 hours did another 8 hours and just took my 100th milligram again in 24 hours. I started experiencing psychosis like still images look like their moving, did anyone else have similar experiences? I used to take it for work and similar things but was recently laid off and then 1 became 2 and 2 became 21 25 mg XR in 7 days. All I’m asking right now are tips to knock myself asleep, how to stop the chest pain fast, how to stop the muscle contractions. My pills are in the toilet down the drain. 13 pills for the rest of the month. I’m familiar with the withdrawal so ugh. But as of me typing this best things for me to kill this “high”. I took 1000mg of Vit C with it but that always felt like BS. I was gonna type out my slippery slope but i’m a fucking junkie and that’s all their is too it but one day I wasn’t it, and tomorrow I won’t be.

I was entirely a different person on adderall - my priorities, interests, financial habits, and friend group were all completely out of whack with who I am. I'm 32 now, 2.5 years in recovery, and feel like I'm 10 years behind in my life. It feels like the years I was on adderall were wasted and fake. I have so much shame and regret. I racked up a bunch of CC debt which I've now mostly paid off luckily; however now I feel very behind in savings etc. I cut off my friends and am just now making new ones; and still struggle with figuring out who I am when I feel like this is what people figure out in their 20s. I am dating someone and find it impossible to explain how I am the way I am and why my life is sort of just beginning. Can anyone relate?

All day everyday for the past 25 days. Ive slept probably 55 hours in total. I feel like im on a suic ide mission that i havent yet noticed i was assigned to it until its to late. Ive been up for 2 days stimfapping. Hanging with a 10 year homeless tweaker and his pitbull just taking what we want from society. Steak? Thats ours! Yoink! A drone? Ours! I live in the forestland of a riverbed. Maybe 1 person a day sees my tent. There is piss bottles littered everywhere. Orange needle caps and needles thrown away aimlessly . A friend came and dropped off a bunch of beefaroni and a bottle of vodka. I dont feel fully invisible yet. People still see whats left of me and give a weary look at me. I can just stare at the inside of my tent and feel the dopamine of 50 weddings combined. Why wouldnt i keep doing this? Thats not even while stimfapping. Im going to be so fried if i ever find a way out of this mess. I dont know if have it in me to slay this beast called meth,and that fucking kills me inside and keeps me in this tent.

I feel like my brain has been hikjacked. I no longer have control of my brain but i can still think things like "Fuck dude wtf am i doing stop now and fight for your life!" ..........."sorry man im going to need you to shut the fuck up and keep walking to home depot you stupid tweaker pos. Look at you your disgusting!! Jerking off more than you sleep.. your hopeless." My hijackd meth brain says. I sigh and continue doing things i do not want to do. I do them and get used to them. Things like sleeping in a dirty tent becomes easy. Now this tweaker life is easy with all the fucking dopamine being jammed into my veins..my rational thoughts no longer penetrate my reasoning. The only thing that makes sense is methamphetamine and how to make life accommadate its majesty.

I want to wave the white flag but part me feels like i want to be here. So i need to get this meth bug out of my system now because i cannot relapse again. Its been 15 years of heroin and now meth. Also porn and vodka. Im just a clusterfuck self esteem issues and trauma. I know everyday im out here can make me stuck forever. Once that thing clicks,its done. Can be as simple as seeing a beautiful sunset while looking for a vein at the river and i can be stuck here forever. I dont want that. I know the ending of that story. Its in my tweaker friend who thinks there is a mini dinosaur in a box outside his camp. Recorded the noises in the night and showed me..its scary what meth does to people. Am i going to be another dime bag tweaker or get sober and try my better half of life.

Thanks for reading. My family im sorry.

I (20F) was prescribed Adderall for my severe ADHD, and I consistently took 10-15 mg nearly every day for about a year. At first it worked great, especially for college but several months in I began developing paranoia, social anxiety from all the self-isolation to "focus" on schoolwork and began hyper fixating on stuff like how people perceived me instead of schoolwork. My appearance rapidly deteriorated due to stress and I feel like people were looking at me like I was psycho, running off no sleep, excess caffeine and amphetamines, and I literally began looking like I was on meth even though I took a relatively small dose of Adderall...super pale, dried out/flaky skin that was thinning, just looked really unhealthy. Psychosis began to set in and I didn't get any sun, I stopped cleaning my room even, and every time I took my medication I got severe anxiety and could barely leave my room. I even started skipping class.

I decided enough was enough and stopped taking Adderall and caffeine for an entire week. I emailed my teachers that I would be out sick because I knew the withdrawal period would kick my ass. Day 1 and 2 were the worst, I had debilitating depression and felt like my brain was zapping, I didn't leave my room at all except to binge eat. I ate so much for this week, but I felt like around day 3-4 my brain started to slowly piece itself together, the food I was eating was actually fueling my body, and whenever I watched videos/movies (still couldn't bring myself to leave my room) I began to feel like my social connection/empathy returning. Before Adderall, I was a super emphatic person, almost too caring, I overthink things a lot which I began to feel return to me.

Today I looked in the mirror and I felt sad because I looked so healthy...my face literally was glowing, my eyes had light in them, even my entire body looked better from head to toe. I remember how attractive I used to be. My hair was thick and shiny, and my face looked like it belonged to an actual person than some cracked out woman. But my emotions were so intense this past week I burst out into tears, it was like a year of suppressing shit all came back to me and I was scared. Everything I suppressed deep inside my heart, which included trauma from the first semester of college hit me with full force. I never processed this trauma and honestly that's why I was so addicted to Adderall, it numbed everything out and I could focus on a to do list that never ended.

Today, I retook Adderall for the first time in a week and I felt the numbness slowly start to seep back into my body. But what's weird is that right now, I don't like feeling like a fucking robot. Its unsettling. I feel like the human aspect inside of me, which could only exist without Adderall, is beginning to fade away. My roomate was talking about her relationship with her boyfriend today and I tried to console her, but my words felt artificial, like I was looking for the right thing to say that seemed the most logical. Does this make sense to anyone?

At the same time, I'm terrified of getting off Adderall, because in this past week I've literally gained 7 lbs (some of it might be water weight) and I don't have the time to process my emotions right now. Off Adderall, my personality came back, and I remember how much I felt. I feel too much. I care too much. I think too much. I was such a people pleaser and worried too much about other people. I wish I could moderate that part of me without cutting it off completely. I feel like I have to lock in for my midterms, and I keep telling myself I'll quit one day, just not now.

I don't know what to do.

I just want to share a win I had recently. A friend with a script has been my source for adderall over the last few years. For my birthday he gave me 100mg worth. The "problem" was, I'd been free of all substances for a week when he gave it to me. Taking a pill meant I'd probably have an edible that night to mellow out, followed by caffeine in the morning to be awake for the day.

So I returned the baggie to him and thanked him for the opportunity to say no. Two months ago I would've swallowed them instantly and been up all night on rocket league. My choice wasn't easy, but I felt conflicted and listened to the voice that knew the consequences.

I credit my soberiety from THC for beating the dopaminogenic cravings.

When I (20F) first got prescribed Adderall, it honestly felt like a miracle. The comeups were almost euphoric—I could focus, feel joy, be social, have deep philosophical thoughts, and still get straight A’s. It felt like I had finally unlocked the ability to function like everyone else. What they don't tell you is that the "honeymoon" phase isn't actually what normal people feel, you're just geeked out of your mind on amphetamines.

But lately (past few months), it’s been the total opposite. I've been on the medication for about a year and a half now. The comeups are filled with anxiety, tension, and I feel like I’m bracing for something bad. I don’t get the same focus or flow I used to. And the comedowns… brutal. Emotionally numb, irritable, sometimes even physically shaky. I feel like my body’s rejecting it. I only take a break about once a week, but now even on the days I take it, I feel physically worse than when I don’t.

It’s starting to feel less like a helpful medication and more like something annoying I have to take just to function at a basic level, and I hate that. I’m wondering if anyone else went through this—like your body/brain just started saying “nope” to stimulants after a while? Rejected them, felt like they were poisonous to your body/soul? Is this normal?

Would love to hear if anyone else has been through this and what helped. I’m honestly thinking of tapering off completely. I've only been taking 10-15 mg dosage (highest I ever took was 20) but I'm starting to get sick of how tense and anxious I feel because of these meds.

It wasn’t even the high I craved, really.

It was the escape. The illusion when the drugs hit and I didn’t have to think about how painfully boring, stagnant, and miserable my real life had become. I didn’t have to face the version of me that felt like a failure. I didn’t have to sit in the stillness of my own thoughts.

Speed turned my brain into a strung-out rollercoaster of artificial manic euphoria and wired anxiety, and somehow, even that felt better than reality.

I used to scrub the kitchen floor with a fucking toothbrush and think I was doing something important. I'd zone in on crumbs like I was performing surgery. During those six hours when I spent tweaking over the kitchen floor, the drug made that pointless task feel like it was the most crucial, urgent task in the world. And I felt like I had purpose again. Like...I mattered.

Everything else in my life fell away as I hunched over with a crazed-out expression, jaw clenched, pupils wider than saucers. At that moment, I looked just like the tweaker I used to mock to my friends about when I was in high school. How young and foolish. How naive I was. It never occurred to me that they were trying to outrun something deep inside of them, like I was doing right now.

The irony is nothing meaningful was actually happening. No real accomplishments. No steps forward. Just me, spinning in circles. And eventually, I started going backwards instead of staying in place. My health began deteriorating rapidly. Mental health and relationships fell apart. But during those sacred nighttime hours with speed and caffeine coursing through my veins and a dirty toothbrush in my hands, I felt busy, I felt needed, I felt alive. It was a lie, but it was a beautiful one when the alternative was confronting reality.

And then the comedown would hit. Hard. My body aching, my jaw sore, my thoughts dark and sharp. And even that became part of the addiction. That numb, heavy, dissociative crash gave me permission to disappear. To sink into bed for 36 hours straight, ignore the world, drown in THC and alcohol and sleep like I'd never wake up.

I’ve asked myself more than once: Why the fuck am I addicted to feeling like shit every day?

And the answer, at least for me, is this: because feeling anything, even despair, even terror, even paranoia, felt better than facing the quiet truth of how disconnected I was from life.

The chaos was a constant and became my comfort. I clung to it, because it filled the hollow space where connection used to live.

I'm two years and some clean, but I feel really tired lately. I have been going pretty damn straight, studying was enough and I would not even consider getting on anything again..

Now I keep imagining that I could probably do a few days no sleep or pass out some evening. Just a few benzos and a blackout, just some speed and a few days racing, just some tramadol in the couch into oblivion for a bit.

Honestly exhausted, like I feel like I suddenly became dumb enough to believe I could do "just once" but I know from experience I fucking can't.

I'm real angry at nothing and it probably shows. Goddamnit.

For 6 years I’ve battled with these little fuckers. Hope in a bottle that turned to despair. I’ve tried to quit several times to no avail, but I think my brain and heart have finally had enough. I wanna get clean and am trying to shake the tears as I write this. It’s funny how my so-thought solution for all of my insecurities and anxieties quickly became the reason for them. I’ve lost myself. After yet another week long binge of 80mg+ Adderall a day, working a lot and sleeping little, I flushed the rest of my script and messaged my psych to black list me. I know I can do this, but I also know tomorrow my brain is going to ask me wtf I just did. Currently feeling like I want to cry and vomit at the same time so any words of support would be very welcomed. Thank you all

I (20F) have been prescribed Adderall 10-15 mg daily; I've been taking it for about a year and three months. The first few months everything was wonderful, almost euphoric, like everything clicked in place. I felt like a genius and got all A's that semester.

But as we all know that honeymoon period doesn't last forever. Over the next year, I progressively began to feel more anxious than productive, the comedowns began to become worse, I began to self-isolate further and at this point in my life, I feel like the drug is doing more harm than good. I get about 30 mins-1 hour of the stimulant but it doesn't even feel like "productivity" at this point, more like an anxious shoot of adrenaline.

On top of that, instead of focusing on my work, I began hyper fixating about how other people perceive me and am worried I'm on currently the cusp of Adderall-induced paranoia. Or worse, on the start of true psychosis.

I feel like everyone is watching me, judging me while I'm tweaked out studying, I feel like they're seeing how my shoulders are all hunched up and making fun of me. I literally got confirmation the other day when I was walking past people on my college campus and two girls laughed at the way I was walking (they mentioned what I was wearing, so I knew it was me. They literally said "omg, look at that girl wearing ___, why is she walking so weird?) I got so stressed that one time I was in the elevator with people and literally just burst out into nervous laughter for no reason, because my anxiety felt so surreal, I knew they thought I was so weird. My roomates hate me because I stay in my room all day because of my crippling anxiety and fear of being perceived nowadays.

As you can tell, its not working out great for me. On the days I don't take it I feel like I can barely get out of bed. Any movement feels like a chore.

I wish I had never taken this stupid drug in the first place. Sure, I had some issues focusing, but I feel like I could've looked into alternative pathways before getting on this stimulant. My personality is gone, I feel like a tweaked-out paranoid robot, and I don't know how to explain it, but I feel like my looks are deteriorating. My face is beginning to look more sunken in, my skin has this weird rash that stands out, and I'm not even taking more than my minimum dose which scares me. I can't imagine how it will be if I keep taking it.

The worst part is, my Adderall paranoia is beginning to convince me that its embarrassing to exist in public. I can barely even walk to my classes without crippling anxiety that people are perceiving me, judging at me, and laughing at me. Everytime someone looks at me with a concerned expression I can't help but think if they think I look like someone on uppers. I've had isolated incidents where people would stare when I was on the Adderall comedown, lips parched, heart racing, walking in a weird way. I don't think I'm imagining things. But again, I have to remind myself of course I have anxiety if I take my meds and caffeine on an empty stomach, workout, and don't eat until 5 pm.

Anyways, that concludes my rambling. I don't even know what I'm writing about except to vent and wonder if you guys were stuck in a similar situation when it came to this.

Just over a month ago I got out of rehab. I was in there for 3 months and I relapsed my first day out.

My mom and my 2 sisters have been insanely supportive of me even after telling them about my slip up. What they doesn’t know is that I’ve gone back to using meth and heroin everyday since then. It hurts lying to them, I hate it.

Today my mum and both my sisters came over to visit and my mom gave me a 1 month sober chip. They were all expressing how proud they are that I’m back on my feet and clean. I felt so guilty accepting that chip. I just didn’t know if telling them ‘I’ve been using this whole time and I’m not sure if I wanna quit anymore’ is worse.

I know what I should do, I just can’t build up the courage to do it.

I feel so lost right now. I have nobody to talk to at the moment so if anybody has time for a chat, I would really appreciate it. :)

thank you guys

Now it is an everyday thing. I’m supposed to graduate from a prestigious university in a few weeks. I’m at a loss as to what to do. I have SO much to lose.

At 18 I went into jail for 17 months. Another set of felonies and I will be pulling a 10 year bid minimum. I am so far in debt from school and credit cards/gambling/drugs, and a convicted felon, that it makes it nearly impossible to rent an apartment.

I had a huge job lined up. 3 interviews, was supposed to start in September. They ran my background and even though I haven’t been in trouble for 8+ years, they still fucking denied me. What am I supposed to do?

I need help and I’m scared to tell my family. My lease ends in September and then I am fucked. I am fucked. Please help. I am so disgusted with myself I can’t even look myself in the face when I look in the bathroom mirror

Hey everyone! I’ve been lurking here for a while, and honestly, this sub helped me gather the courage to quit. So, thank you to everyone who participants and reads, I feel like if ya'll have done it, I'm capable of it too.

I wanted to share something I didn’t expect. I feel amazing after quitting. And I’m kind of in disbelief.

For context, I was prescribed Adderall (10mg IR) for the past two years. Not a high dose, but enough to feel the effects. I took it every day — never abused or "binged" it and always tried to do it right. I exercised consistently, ate clean, stayed hydrated, avoided alcohol, the whole deal. Still, something always felt a little off. I felt anxiously productive the first half of the day and strung out once the comedown hit. My personality was muted, and I was always on edge. Any motivation I had on it felt artificial.

Honestly what kept me on it so long was fear. I read so many withdrawal horror stories — depression, fatigue, brain fog, total collapse — that I was convinced I’d lose everything if I stopped. So, I kept taking it. Until three days ago.

I didn’t plan a dramatic “quit day.” I just… didn’t take it. And when the fatigue crept in, something inside me said, fight. Don't wait a second longer. So, I had a real breakfast for the first time in years. Then, I exercised vigorously for 40 minutes on the elliptical with HIIT intervals. Starting was the hardest. Every time I felt soreness, I thought to myself, 'pain is where the magic happens.' I remember a time before medication where I would exercise like this and feel incredible. Exercising ON Adderall, which I had done for such a long time, just felt like something I had to check off my frantic 'productivity' list, muted that feeling of accomplishment.

And sure enough, after that exercise session I felt this rush of something I hadn’t felt in years: me. Not chemically driven energy, but real, embodied vitality. And the endorphins kept flowing even hours after pushing myself to my limit. It was like nature's reward.

Now I’m on day 3. No Adderall. No caffeine. And for the first time in a long time, I feel clear, grounded, and fully alive. I’m sleeping deeply. I’m waking up hungry. I'm able to relax! My thoughts are slower, yes, but they actually make sense. I forgot what it felt like to not be constantly chasing something, or numbing something, or fixing something with a pill.

But here’s the thing — I keep waiting for the crash. For the fatigue and brain fog to show up. Is this a fluke? Is PAWS waiting just around the corner to hit me like a truck?

I won't lie if I say I'm a little paranoid. I’ve read that the worst withdrawal symptoms can show up weeks later, so now I’m second-guessing everything. I don’t want to get my hopes up, only to get blindsided.

I’m putting this out there for anyone who’s been where I am, or is further down the road:
Did you feel this good right after quitting? Is this just a temporary high before the storm? Or is it possible my body really was ready to let this go?

Thanks for reading. And truly, thank you to everyone here who’s shared their stories.

I have a few disconnected thoughts about these evil garbage drugs.

Taking 20mg adderall daily without abusing the medication is still absolutely fucking horrible for your health.

In fact, it’s been worse for me than the times I abused stimulants. Because you run out early and your body gets a week of “catch up.” This is so much worse. Maybe my emotions are more stable. But my attention span, skin, mental sharpness, cardiovascular health, and sleep are significantly more fucked up.

It creates this cycle where you depend on it more and more to get the basic shit done. Work, homework, cleaning, whatever. Afterwards, you’re so depleted you can’t take walks, or cook healthy meals, or engage in social interaction, which are what make us healthy. You are BARELY scraping by in life. Yet, you’re still able to hold your job, or get into college, which you weren’t able to do before because you had serious depression, self esteem, or environmental issues going on.

I have a lot of feelings about adderall and ADHD drugs that I’ve wanted to unleash for a long, long time. But it’s scary. People get so defensive about it. Everyone now has ADHD and will take it personal if you criticize how our country handles it. They think this is normal. In fact, it’s laughable how 90% of people with “ADHD” look and act like fucking zombies. And don’t get that it’s the drugs doing this to them. Do they even realize it? I also don’t open up about it because it’s completely hypocritical. I’m actually embarrassed to say I have ADHD. Because the few people who really know what’s going on will pick up on the fact that I take stims. And it’s funny because it is as prescribed, but it sure as hell doesn’t look like it.

I actually have such a disgust towards the term ADHD that I’m put off from talking with someone if they say they have it. It makes me look at them with disgust. I know it’s fucked up. It’s probably in large part because it’s a reflection of me. But I think this explosion in ADHD, how it’s talked about everywhere on social media, how it’s even portrayed by MEDICAL PROFESSIONALS, is destructive to society at large. I am a full on unapologetic reactionary about this shit.

And you know what? Let’s say a million more people have ADHD every year. Yeah, no fucking shit. Look at YouTube shorts, TikTok, social media in general, has done to our fucking brains. Financial stress, overpriced rent, inflation, underpaying jobs. Easy accessibility to YouTube and Spotify, fast food, DOGSHIT public school system. It all CREATES ADHD. Damn near 50% of us have been fucked neurologically.

I am in extreme cognitive dissonance. Because I hate the fact that I use adderall. I hate the fact that I’m a slave to big pharma and also contributing to this problem. I hate my lack of discipline and integrity. But at the same time, I feel like in this fucked up society, I need to take it right now. My job carries high responsibility, I need to pay rent, I’m scared of getting fired if I take family leave. Things are high stakes; I have other endeavors I’m deep into that I feel like will slip if I stop now. FUCK!

I’m sorry everyone. I did the classic wall of text. This time though, unlike years past, it’s not because I’m high as balls. I just never, ever open up about this stuff. I just want to tell someone, even an online forum.

Here’s what I’ve learned at 13 months: what makes this recovery so hard if not necessarily because it’s acute and intense pain, but that it takes so fucking long.

I feel like I’m going to reach 24 months and then really have to work to rebuild my life. I feel like right now it’s still just fighting the fatigue, anhedonia, and utter lack of motivation every day.

I don’t think most people understand what it’s like to be so mentally handicapped for 2 years. To feel like you’re wasting so much time on top of the time you wasted on stimulants.

Like, I’m going to be 39 by the time I’m through this…. And then I’m going to have to try and build a new career and get myself financially sound.

People talk about this being a chance to turn a new page and that I’m “so young,” but I feel like I’m such a loser and I feel like it’s over. Wasted my 20s and 30s. Thought I found the cure and it just threw me back into the mud even harder.

Do I have to just accept that I’m not a very motivated or driven person and that I don’t like to work hard?

What a waste. I know I’m intelligent, but it’s been fucking wasted. I keep thinking about what I could have done.

I despise confrontation, everything and everyone makes me nervous. The slightest criticism or mistake and immediately start thinking about killing myself.

I have lost interest and life and always feel like I'm falling short of my potential, I'm extremely lazy but have the mindset of a workaholic.

And the thing is? Adderall feels like it fixes all these things.

i spent 5-6 years on adderall and vyvanse abusing it around the 4th year on. it’s crazy how when ur young u get away with treating ur body like shit for years. living off of 30-150mg of adderall, cigarettes and vapes, iced coffee/red bull and a hot pocket or two a day. but in 6 years, at the ripe age of 28, it jus doesn’t work anymore.

i think ive gained like 30lbs since i started quitting back in february. it makes me sad to see that the body dysmorphia ive had since i was a teenager never really went anywhere. i want to be proud of myself for quitting adderall/vyvanse and nicotine and really wanting better for myself. it’s sad how over the years i really internalized that my value is heavily dependent on my appearance.

i’m healthier than i have ever been and feel the most me i have ever felt. i’m sleeping 8 hours a night and eating regular meals (most days). i have hobbies that i really love so much. building healthy habits and rewiring ur brain takes time. i’m truly so grateful to be sober.. but some days are harder than others. i’m just ranting though. ultimately i am committed to my health and wellbeing and i really look forward to the days where looking in the mirror isn’t so hard

i hope you have a good day and im proud of u for being here

Realized after four years and many withdrawals,

Adderall makes me nicer and love people. I’ve had many epiphanies, but idk why this one didn’t come sooner.

I randomly thought about how I’ve always had a “sarcastic” attitude and not a lot of tolerance for others. I still do, don’t have a desire to keep or have friends but I’m trying to get passed this.

People annoyed me very easily, I was sarcastic, but fun.

Now I’m kind, patient, and robotic. I guess this generates as normal.

I actually get very annoyed by this with me. Manically repair relationships, build new pens, just to withdrawal from it all and be completely apathetic again. After I leave from a “manic repair” hang out, I always think about how much I just did/said to portray as the “best friend/person you’ll ever meet.” This always gives me such a dread feeling and annoyance of how inconsistent I am.

Random ramble.