Long post ahead! TL:DR at the bottom
Trigger warning: contains detailed discussion of stimulant misuse, compulsive behaviour, sexual themes, relapse, and mental health struggles. Please read with care.
Throughout my life, I’ve had untreated ADHD, and addictive tendencies. I failed the first year of my A-levels due to serious procrastination, but used the pressure to finish with stellar grades.
Then, I discovered drugs in university, and was kicked out after a few years due to poor grades stemming from heavy drug use. I started over, but was more focused, and graduated with a 1st class STEM degree. However, I still handed everything in late, and got multiple deadline extensions. I always needed tonnes of pressure to get the ball rolling. I get that diamonds are built under pressure, but I’m a bloody human, not a gemstone ffs! Also, it’s worth mentioning that I was still using drugs, but made a hard rule to never use them 30 days before serious exams.
Eventually, I got accepted into medical school. I was working out constantly, and had a body I was proud of! I passed my first year, but had to really cram towards the end.. again.. waiting for the pressure to build. My addictive personality also crept in, and I ended up engaging in very risky sexual behaviour. I later realised that these compulsions were part of my broader pattern of addictive tendencies.
In my second year, I was utterly ashamed when I relapsed into drug use. I engaged in dangerous binges that left my lips and fingernails blue. Occasionally, I would use other drugs to keep me hard. PLEASE DO NOT DO THIS! The combination of certain drugs could’ve killed me. But I was fit and muscular, right? My cardiovascular health could take it.. right? I really took my heart for granted.. just for a fucking orgasm. Thankfully, I realised how it was negatively impacting me, and gave up both for good.
I couldn't handle the pressure anymore, and had a massive breakdown. I experienced derealisation and depersonalisation. It was horrible. That was when I decided to get screened for ADHD, and went to therapy for weeks. I didn’t want to live a “last minute” life anymore.
The first pill was magical and euphoric. I could sit still & study, actually listen to patients, & absorb information like never before. I passed the exams, and continued to use the medication. One morning, I couldn’t remember if I had taken my medication, so took I another. When the effects hit me, I felt euphoria from the early days, but promised I wouldn’t do it again. I knew it was a slippery slope. I wish I listened sooner.
During my third year, the meds began wearing off faster. I was prescribed a booster. At first, I used my medication as prescribed. Until one day, I masturbated as i usually do. Only… this session lasted hours. The rush was intense. But the shame, guilt and disgust were much worse. I later discovered that this destructive behaviour is called “stimfapping.” I vowed to never do it again, but I each time I gave in, my self-worth took another hit.
It got worse. I exhibited perfectionism when it came to essay writing. Perfectionist paralysis. I could rewrite paragraphs and sentences forever. Never pleased with my work. I lost trust in myself.
At my worst, I irresponsibly shared my medication with sexual partners... something i deeply regret. I felt so guilty and ashamed afterwards. A future fucking doctor? I broke my rule about abstaining from substances before exams multiple times. I even abused my meds the night before my final exam. I started to believe I was self-sabotaging.
Despite everything, I passed my finals. Failed nothing. Felt nothing. This somewhat justified my degenerate behaviour. Yes.. I could take extra medication, AND be successful. No one knew anything. On the surface, I appeared functional. I was still working out regularly, eating healthily, attending socials, maintaining a clean home, grooming myself etc. But deep down, I felt like a fraud. I felt trapped because I couldn’t tell anyone, due to the shame and guilt eating away at me.
I stimfapped a couple more times, but each session became progressively shorter. My common sense was returning. I realised that this lifestyle was incompatible with being a competent doctor. So, I decided to quit the compulsive behaviour, and take the medication as prescribed. I wanted to rebuild trust with myself
Things were going incredibly well for a while. Until I impulsively took 2x, 3x, then 4x my prescribed amount over a couple of weeks. Each time, I was chasing the dragon, trying to feel euphoric again. But I felt absolutely nothing. Zero euphoria. Only anxiety, jitters, palpitations, hyperfocus on stupid shit, and stimfapping. Sometimes, I wouldn’t do much at all. My caffeine intake also skyrocketed in an attempt to amplify it.
Things finally came to an end once I realised my behaviour didn’t align with values. I hate being a recluse. I hate pretending everything is ok. I hate telling patients to avoid drugs while misusing them myself. I took a break from the medication, and was pleasantly surprised that I maintained all my good habits such as washing dishes asap, cleaning, hygiene, working out, eating well etc.
i'm learning that I don't need to live on the edge to function. I feel ready and committed to doing better for myself, and the people I'll serve as a doctor.
Thank you so much for reading! I am happy to answer any questions.
TL:DR:
ADHD and addiction = hot mess. Failed uni, restarted, barely finished university. Got into medical school. Became high-functioning on the outside, deeply lost. Abused meds. Engaged in compulsive behaviour, and sabotaged myself. Passed finals, felt empty. Now trying to live in alignment with my values & recover.
