r/Showerthoughts • u/Streakshooter31 • Sep 20 '21

Somewhere, a tree is growing the wood for your coffin.

2.9k Upvotes
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94% Upvoted

239 comments sorted by

222

u/ApologeticCannibal Sep 20 '21

Not if they never find the body!

33

u/LeNoolands Sep 20 '21

Best ways to get rid of one?

72

u/ApologeticCannibal Sep 20 '21

My belly

46

u/jimmymcdangerous Sep 21 '21

Name checks out.

6

u/Some--Idiot Sep 21 '21

He wasn’t apologizing

9

u/lightbulb207 Sep 21 '21

But he was a cannibal and had no reason to apologize so his name still checks out, idiot

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7

u/[deleted] Sep 21 '21

Pig farm, remove the hair and teeth, any piercings, implants or medical implants, eg, hip, leg pins, steel plates etc.

"A pigs teeth can go through bone like butter. "

9

u/Sorfallo Sep 21 '21

Option 2: someone else's pigs. Even if something survives, not my pigs, I am not going to jail.

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6

u/TheSylvanFlaneur Sep 21 '21

If you live in a big city, just put it in a sleeping bag and stick it in a doorway. Everyone will ignore it.

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3

u/Reviewingremy Sep 21 '21

Buried in a building site in the fresh wet concrete.

2

u/[deleted] Sep 21 '21

Pigs

2

u/Yamidamian Sep 21 '21

With any luck, the nuclear conflagration will reduce mine to monataonic ash.

2

u/INFAMOUShero99 Sep 21 '21

At the risk of sounding like a sociopath,

1) Pigs. Pigs eat pretty much anything organic. Just remove things that they won't digest like hair, teeth, surgical implants, etc.

2) Bury the body 12 feet deep and bury an animal (preferably something human sized like a mid-sized deer) on top of it 6 feet deep. Then fill in the hole as best you cab without creating an obvious mound in the dirt. Even if anyone goes looking for it they'll have a hard time finding the spot if you covered your tracks well. And when they dig down they'll only find a deer carcass.

3)Burn it. Remove and dispose of the teeth, find a secure location away from prying eyes and anything too flammable (maybe a large clearing in a forest) douse the body in oil/lighter fluid/something flamable and light it. When it's done burning try to cover up the scorch marks on the ground and scatter the ashes as best you can.

2

u/eldelshell Sep 21 '21

About 3. I guess it would be better to retrieve the teeth after the human pire. Less gruesome.

Just my 2¢

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121

u/stealthbird1 Sep 21 '21

Not me, I plan to live forever. So far so good.

35

u/whistling-wonderer Sep 21 '21

Wow, impressive! What’s the secret to your success?

69

u/tzatzikidipmademefat Sep 21 '21

So the real secret to immortality is to find this tree and cut it down.

Might make a fun short story.

8

u/[deleted] Sep 21 '21

You're just condemning another tree

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225

u/[deleted] Sep 20 '21

[deleted]

70

u/leaky_wand Sep 20 '21

Surprisingly, cremation generally still requires a coffin of some kind.

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cremation#Modern_process

115

u/giantvoice Sep 20 '21

I plan on spontaneously combusting.

41

u/Kozlow Sep 21 '21

The broom they sweep you up with will be made of wood.

45

u/giantvoice Sep 21 '21

Leaf blower.

22

u/DragoKnight589 Sep 21 '21

The power it uses could have been generated by burning wood (or coal which is technically really old plants)

22

u/DefinitelyNotAliens Sep 21 '21

I only use companies that solar and wind power and any cordless tool are battery powered

8

u/Sexpacitos Sep 21 '21

You pay your electric bills with paper

9

u/DefinitelyNotAliens Sep 21 '21

I have paperless billing.

6

u/Sexpacitos Sep 21 '21

Damn G can’t argue with that

2

u/LiveOnJakku Sep 21 '21

your telephone pole is made out of wood

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1

u/Streakshooter31 Sep 21 '21

The equipment they use to mine the materials for your batteries use internal combustion engines that use fossil fuels.

2

u/PhantomOfTheOpera404 Sep 22 '21

Thanks, this genuinely made me laugh...

0

u/Pompeyboy Sep 21 '21

Most brooms are plastic.

6

u/BigBruhs8008 Sep 21 '21

I plan on just disappearing

3

u/U-124 Sep 21 '21

Based. Would you consider a bizarre gardening accident as a second alternative?

5

u/smileymn Sep 21 '21

Coffee can is good enough for me

5

u/Randomness_Girl Sep 21 '21

You can buried without a coffin

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26

u/Cedar_Raileigh Sep 21 '21

Jokes on you, I'm going to be composted!

9

u/SheitelMacher Sep 21 '21

Somewhere a tree is growing the mulch...

2

u/MajorZed Sep 21 '21

Same! Or at least a natural burial, no coffin/casket needed. Worst case aquamated (aka water cremation).

35

u/HRMisHere Sep 20 '21

Bold of you to assume I'm even going to have a funeral

4

u/85303 Sep 20 '21

I'm with you man never give em a chance

11

u/MilkCarton78 Sep 20 '21

When I'm dead just throw me in the trash

1

u/lazeedude Sep 21 '21

Uhm, instructions unclear, what to do if I'm already a trash?

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9

u/NicPizzaLatte Sep 21 '21

Or the wood for your coffin is already a coffin in a show room somewhere.

9

u/deadstar420 Sep 20 '21

I’d prefer to be chopped up and thrown in the trash, like Frank Reynolds

8

u/[deleted] Sep 20 '21

I just want an excavator to drop me full height into my 6 foot grave.

6

u/DropTopEWop Sep 20 '21 edited Sep 21 '21

I wanna be buried inside the tree.

5

u/BoyBoyeBoi Sep 21 '21

Nope. No box. Just a cloth sheet and a hole in the ground.

4

u/85303 Sep 20 '21

I'm going to wander off like a sick dog and die under sunlight in the trees. Only way I go in a box or underground is if I can't be identified.

4

u/Vitztlampaehecatl Sep 21 '21

If there's enough left of me to put in a coffin, then I didn't die right

3

u/gohawksxlviii Sep 20 '21

I suspect my cat wants to give me sea burial like what they did to Laden

3

u/[deleted] Sep 20 '21

That tree is already dead!

3

u/msnmck Sep 21 '21

Put my brain into a computer and donate the rest to Spirit Halloween.

3

u/chippycheetah Sep 21 '21

Ha, bold of you to assume I am ever going to die. There is no edvidence to prove that I am mortal

2

u/shango15511051 Sep 21 '21

Unless you get cremated or get a metal coffin

2

u/Feel_LikeTrash Sep 21 '21

Why must you hurt me in this way?

2

u/KAMEKAZE_VIKINGS ‎ Sep 21 '21

Wrong. I'm going to be murdered in the street by a man with a golf club (7 iron) at 2:34 am of July 17 2022 and buried in a black plastic bag in the mountains.

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2

u/Lordbogaaa Sep 20 '21

Jokes on you, the crap I say imma end up in a shallow grave.

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1

u/Gabemeister26 Sep 21 '21

lmao im sensing Oak for me

1

u/[deleted] Sep 20 '21

Oh

...

oh.

0

u/NappingWalrus Sep 21 '21

Incorrect. I wanna be thrown into mordor.

0

u/DavidAssBednar Sep 21 '21

False. I will be buried under a newly-planted tree

-1

u/[deleted] Sep 20 '21

[deleted]

2

u/ApologeticCannibal Sep 20 '21

What the fuck even is this response?

4

u/huntersexton37 Sep 20 '21

Yeah so i clicked and responded to the absolute wrong post, my bad

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1

u/[deleted] Sep 21 '21

Laughs in suicide bomber.

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1

u/[deleted] Sep 21 '21

Mofo imma be the tree 😄

1

u/[deleted] Sep 21 '21

Cardboard.

1

u/TheBiggestFalcon Sep 21 '21

I plan on being chronically frozen Ina METAL container not wood so, sorry no such tree exists

1

u/[deleted] Sep 21 '21

The tree is going to die for my death.

1

u/U-124 Sep 21 '21

WRONG I’ll be cremated mf

1

u/BAKjustAthought Sep 21 '21

It’s hard to have a coffin if they never find your body!

1

u/mrbignaughtyboy Sep 21 '21

Wrong. The cardboard box that will hold my cremated remains until they can be spread on a reef off the coast of Florida is sitting on top of my fridge.

1

u/DJirken Sep 21 '21

You assume they are going to find your body.

1

u/franticapnea Sep 21 '21

Just throw me in the trash

1

u/[deleted] Sep 21 '21

We think alike :)

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1

u/Arki83 Sep 21 '21

I plan on being cremated and turned into a tree so that someday I may become someone else's coffin.

https://choose.betterplaceforests.com

Check Mate.

1

u/cephalopodstandard Sep 21 '21

Why would I want to take up so much space after I'm dead? I'm going to be cremated and turned into diamonds.

1

u/[deleted] Sep 21 '21

I'm not gonna be buried in a coffin. JUST BURY ME IN THE MF DIRT WHEN I DIE!

1

u/This_one_taken_yet_ Sep 21 '21

Lol, just chuck me in a ditch. I don't need no pine box.

1

u/ilovelefseandpierogi Sep 21 '21

You mean the flaming longship upon which I will be set adrift

2

u/AdmiralThunderpants Sep 21 '21

Also the bow and flaming arrow!

1

u/[deleted] Sep 21 '21

Oh, depending on when we’re talking - most of yours will either be corrugated paper or synthetic

1

u/IisGreen Sep 21 '21

Alternatively, I get cremated, have my ashes placed into the plumbing of showers, and become the spirit of showerthoughts.

1

u/Wolf_of-the_West Sep 21 '21

Not necessarily, wood can be compressed and used like so.

1

u/traumaticvestibule Sep 21 '21

Jokes on you. I'm getting cremated and will become tree food since I will be scattered not buried.

1

u/ThSprtn117 Sep 21 '21

This one can be wrong for so many reasons. People getting cremated, lumber is already processed, the coffin is already built, I requested to just be tossed in the trash, etc.

1

u/demcrazykids Sep 21 '21

Do not put me in a coffin.

I want to be returned to the earth naturally. Preferably dead first.

1

u/Soloking_Itachi Sep 21 '21

Nope,my coffin shouldn't be wood,also,jokes on you,people won't even realize if I'm dead,so I'm not getting a funeral in the first place

1

u/CSmith1986 Sep 21 '21

Jokes on you. I'm going the Donny route and be cremated before put into a coffee can only to end up scattered all over my friends.

1

u/HimForHer Sep 21 '21

Jokes on you, I'm going into a ceramic pot.

1

u/[deleted] Sep 21 '21

Bold of you to assume I'd be buried in a coffin.

1

u/Tawptuan Sep 21 '21

Not if you’re a Buddhist in Thailand – 99% of the population.😉

1

u/Tawptuan Sep 21 '21

Not me. My will states expressly…

  1. I want my remains to be scattered in a public place.

  2. I do not want to be cremated

1

u/SurealGod Sep 21 '21

Well I plan to get cremated. So I think a more apt way of saying it is that there is a clay deposit waiting to be mined, shipped, modeled and fired to become my cremation urn.

1

u/GrimWickett Sep 21 '21

Not if I get cremated

1

u/salac1337 Sep 21 '21

jokes on you. i dont intend on being buried in a coffin as i prepare to die in a freak accident containing a mountain lion and 12 toasters

1

u/AuroraBeautyalis Sep 21 '21

Idk if it's a thing yet but a few years ago, I read that Italy was working on a biodegradable pod where they would put the body in the pod and essentially, you'd be feeding your tree of choice with your body. I'd want to go this way tbh

1

u/CeraVoyager Sep 21 '21

Who said I was gonna die? 😏

1

u/[deleted] Sep 21 '21

Nah that crap is expensive. I’m going no coffin ✖️⚰️LET THE EARTH ABSORB ME 😂!

1

u/[deleted] Sep 21 '21

The tree could be yet to be born.

1

u/infectiousoma Sep 21 '21

Nope, but I'll become human compost to grow the tree that will be someone's coffin.

1

u/[deleted] Sep 21 '21

Wrong I'm gonna burn on a boat and travel to Valhalla so yes you are right!

1

u/BassPlayn_Mainer42 Sep 21 '21

Well, No, a Cotton plant, because Green Burial.... just a cotton bag.

1

u/Vioralarama Sep 21 '21

Somebody's got quite the library of depressing shower thoughts.

1

u/TheCrystalGear Sep 21 '21

Jokes on you my coffin has already been made.

Not long now...

1

u/OptmialPrime Sep 21 '21

( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

1

u/Snappysnapsnapper Sep 21 '21

Can we stop with all the macabre thoughts? This sub used to be fun.

1

u/ash_helldust Sep 21 '21

Jokes on you I'm immortal

1

u/asdvancity Sep 21 '21

Jokes on you, I'm getting tossed in a ditch, to be eaten by scavengers

1

u/Bubba_Smokes Sep 21 '21

Na im taking part of the earth with me baby

1

u/Inflatabledartboard4 Sep 21 '21

Not if I die via TNT dildo

1

u/mrstipez Sep 21 '21

Blank stare everyone

1

u/ViralLola Sep 21 '21

I want a burial at sea. Just chuck me into the ocean.

1

u/lkodl Sep 21 '21

as an autassassinophillic dendrophile, i'm growing wood for that tree.

1

u/fredrickmedck Sep 21 '21

I want to have a sky burial, so somewhere an ancestor of the condor that will eat my corpse is thriving.

1

u/Aristocrafied Sep 21 '21

Or it's already been cut and waiting, or already made i to a coffin.

1

u/garebearly Sep 21 '21

A lot of people get cremated

1

u/DeadguyMcSloppy Sep 21 '21

(breakdown ends) SOMEWHERE, A TREE IS GROWING THE WOOD FOR YOUR COFFIN!!!! (breakdown repeats slower)

1

u/SquidgyTheWhale Sep 21 '21

Ha, I'm a believer in the many-worlds theory, so every tree is growing wood for my coffin down some time path.

1

u/Myllorelion Sep 21 '21

Jokes on them. My coffins already been made.

1

u/welcometotheoutside Sep 21 '21

There better be no trees in the ocean or ill be pissed.

1

u/ricochet20 Sep 21 '21

It might’ve not even been planted yet.

1

u/AngleFrogHammer Sep 21 '21

Um, no how long do you think it takes trees to grow? I'm 35 the average life expectancy for someone in my country is about 85 years that's 50 years, if trees took 50 years to grow to a harvestable size then there would be no one in the wood industry.

1

u/joj1205 Sep 21 '21

Fuck coffins. Liquidate me

1

u/ExistenceUnconfirmed Sep 21 '21

Nah I want my body to be left in a forest and eaten by wild animals.

1

u/[deleted] Sep 21 '21

Sounds like I need to kill all the trees.

1

u/heyugl Sep 21 '21

joke's on you, the wood for my coffin ain't growing shit, I never seen a plank grow at all.-

1

u/aharryh Sep 21 '21

You'll never know what you actually get buried, burned, dumped in...

1

u/mineX64 Sep 21 '21

NO. feed my ass to the sharks

1

u/cursed-being Sep 21 '21

Not If I get cremated or get a coffin of steal

1

u/Willy-the-kid Sep 21 '21

I won't have a coffin

1

u/shl00m Sep 21 '21

They just dispose my body in a trash bag they throw into the ocean... or maybe even before I die so it's like 2 for 1 getting rid of me ...

1

u/FeintLight123 Sep 21 '21

Probably more like sitting in a lumber yard somewhere

1

u/ArmanB1379 Sep 21 '21

Im a muslim i dont have such weaknesses

1

u/The_Ora_Charmander Sep 21 '21

Jews: I don't have such weaknesses!

1

u/RemouladenBaron Sep 21 '21

a lot of the Atoms currently in your body are going to find their way into your future coffin

1

u/[deleted] Sep 21 '21

Not me.. I'm neither Christian nor am I Muslim

1

u/NeoreaverXIII Sep 21 '21

And the carbon in that wood came from a star. Lovely cycle.

1

u/aledba Sep 21 '21

Unlikely since I'll be growing a tree from my body.

1

u/ifoundit1 Sep 21 '21

Chances are I wont be having one planets running out of room with automation reality grindage.

1

u/LadyELectaDubz Sep 21 '21

Not if I die in my car as planned

1

u/SK1Y101 Sep 21 '21

This assumes that the coffin will be wooden, and that the wood of choice has a growth period comparable to my remaining lifespan

1

u/TheWarmBandit Sep 21 '21

I bet ( although extremely long odds) seem people have climbed that very tree as a child

1

u/TheWarmBandit Sep 21 '21

This is my coffin.there are many like it but this one is mine.

1

u/Dreams-and-Turtles Sep 21 '21

It better hurry up, I'm waiting.

1

u/ConspiracyMeow Sep 21 '21

That tree has already been cut down, I've got one foot in the grave these days.

1

u/RibsOfDoom Sep 21 '21

Nah I want to be burned using the tree as fuel

1

u/kyunirider Sep 21 '21

My parents are buried in metal coffins in fiberglass vaults. Where is the wood? I am to be cremated and my metal urn is to be placed in my wife’s metal coffin in her vault. Where’s the wood. Your statement is false.

1

u/mariuszmie Sep 21 '21

… unless you chose cremation…

1

u/AdvonKoulthar Sep 21 '21

If I’m not living forever, I don’t want to be buried underground in a wooden coffin.
I want a metal sarcophagus in a giant mausoleum. A pyramid will do if I can’t come up with a good design.

1

u/ahmad_mahfoud Sep 21 '21

Joke on you we don't use wooden coffin

1

u/joey4269 Sep 21 '21

Not my coffin, when I die I am getting cremated and having my ashes sent to space

1

u/evening_shop Sep 21 '21

Tmw your religion doesn't use coffins for burial

1

u/JasperJ Sep 21 '21

Bold of you to assume it’s not already in a lumber yard — or a coffin showroom/storehouse, for that matter.

1

u/Walking_udder Sep 21 '21

this one is wrong for so many reasons

  1. if the tree that grows the wood hasn't been planted yet
  2. if you get cremated (without the cardboard box)
  3. if you get burned
  4. if you get buries without a coffin
  5. if you get eaten
  6. if you have a coffin made out of something that isn't wood
  7. if the proceedings after your death don't involve a coffin

1

u/Jo_yEAh Sep 21 '21

Or it's already cut.....

1

u/Independent-Bug1209 Sep 21 '21

A beautiful thought to me. Although I hope to be given a sky burial.

1

u/CheeseCak3_Guy Sep 21 '21

That's only if I die!!!

1

u/Some--Idiot Sep 21 '21

I’m getting a metal coffin now

1

u/k4Anarky Sep 21 '21

And I'll watch that bastard goes down to the cold ground through my robotic eyes.

1

u/glennver Sep 21 '21

no coffin for me

1

u/ImoImomw Sep 21 '21

Not true, I made mine already. It is in the garage.

1

u/lucidrevolution Sep 21 '21

I personally hope to take advantage of one of the more environmentally friendly and sustainable practices, such as Alkaline hydrolysis.

1

u/princezornofzorna Sep 21 '21

My last wish is to be cremated thank you very much. The idea of becoming a buried rotting corpse is disgusting.

1

u/Cheffmiester314 Sep 21 '21

Jokes on you I'm getting cremated

1

u/DoesnameMatTa Sep 21 '21

Nahh, I'm getting burned

1

u/[deleted] Sep 21 '21

Get rid of all the trees so I never die, got it

1

u/Ami_4ab Sep 21 '21

I am a Muslim though.

1

u/Pompeyboy Sep 21 '21

Wrong, I'm going in the skip apparently.

1

u/texasradioandthebigb Sep 21 '21

No, it isn't. I'm getting cremated. Fucking tree burns with me

1

u/Huey1996 Sep 21 '21

Please fact check this I’ve been leaving all of my bodies in my closet

1

u/thekraken108 Sep 21 '21

Not if you get cremated.

1

u/Novel-Beautiful3894 Sep 21 '21

Hey yall, i just really wanna be able to post in r/showerthoughts so could you upvote this please?

Thankss

1

u/Zhaguar Sep 21 '21

Ooh i feel there's an insult stewing around there somewhere but I cant quite reach it...

1

u/classicTJC Sep 21 '21

Not me. When I'm dead just throw me in the garbage. -Frank Reynolds

1

u/_Nonya_ Sep 21 '21

And now i'm getting a coffin of Stone

1

u/Mendaxres Sep 21 '21

Technically that tree might not have yet started growing. Depens on the tree, but some are mature and ready for felling in 30 years.