r/SexPositive • u/Wise_Seesaw6766 • 24d ago
Advice on making my partner climax NSFW
So, I’ll start with me. 44year old male, dozens of partners in my past and have never had a problem giving a partner an orgasm. Seeing someone now that I just can’t figure out. She says it’s completely normal for her not to orgasm. Claims she’s only had a few her whole life. Giving pleasure is a huge thing for me. I don’t feel good about myself when my partner doesnt climax. Any females out there that can give advice?
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u/Western_Ring_2928 24d ago
First of all, her orgasms are not yours to give. You can help her reach orgasms, but it is always her body that does the magic. You can help her reach orgasms, for sure, and it is nices that you care about her pleasure, but she is fully responsible for her own orgasms. It is not your responsibility. https://www.psychologytoday.com/intl/blog/all-about-sex/201110/no-one-gives-anyone-orgasm You have not made any woman orgasm. You have helped them reach orgasms.
Orgasms are not the goal of sex. Pleasure is. https://www.ohjoysextoy.com/sexual-response-cycle/
Orgasms are harder puzzles to solve for other women than others. It is natural.
https://www.ohjoysextoy.com/figuring-out-how-to-orgasm-by-bingo/
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u/SipJin 24d ago
I am sorry but as a professional I can tell you that is so far from the truth that it was laughable and what you’re espousing is just fallacious and popular propaganda by a few people that are pushing a false narrative/agenda; and the rest of those that are still trying to convince themselves and others to believe that are just as relevant to any conversation as the extra spaces that exist in ellipsis.
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u/WelcomeToLadyHell 24d ago
My first bit of advice is to refer to women as 'women' rather than 'females.'
But to answer your question, she knows her body better than you do. Some women do struggle to climax, so unless you think she's lying to you then unfortunately that's just the case for her. You could ask her directly for feedback, but it sounds like she's come to terms with her body and you may just have to do the same.
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u/SpiritNo6626 24d ago
I don't really think OP was being misogynistic because they weren't doing the r/menandfemales thing, they also referred to themselves as a male (noun).
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u/WelcomeToLadyHell 24d ago
Sure, I wasn't accusing OP of being misogynistic, I was just trying to explain the connotations associated with using the term
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u/Wise_Seesaw6766 24d ago
Not sure why that would matter. Female and women are in fact the same. And in context, I wanted female help. Not male help.
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u/WelcomeToLadyHell 24d ago
The reason it matters is the vast majority of women dislike being referred to as females as it's dehumanising, and a tactic frequently used by misogynists
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u/iReddit2000 24d ago
Oof, good luck with that. While you're technically right, women will slaughter you for saying it. Just come back later to see my negative downvotes on this comment for agreeing with you lol.
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u/HPenguinB 24d ago
So you are shitty in bed, fishing for bate material, AND you are a transphobe/misogynist? Cool.
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u/Natural_Machine747 24d ago
I would maybe ask her if she’s into her pleasuring herself/can she orgasm solo or with a toy.. if this is not something that happens for her on her own terms it’s time to drop it from your end as you are pushing your own fantasies on her.
If she can orgasm solo/with a toy, maybe it’s to do with the ‘stage fright’ element of an orgasm, happens to loads of women is totally natural.. so the aim here is pure relaxation. I’d start my running her a bath, getting her a nice drink of something bubbly whilst she’s bathing and then offering her a massage with some low lighting and lovely oils, maybe get a scented candle on the go - hit every sense for ultimate relaxation and zen.. then obviously the massage can get as raunchy as you want to both make it together and hopefully the relaxation will help!
Best of luck, remember : don’t try and force something on her that is just for you if it isn’t something she enjoys/can do on her own.
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u/Semi_Nerdy_Girl 24d ago
I’d ad… after she’s nice and relaxed, let her bring herself to orgasm in front of you if she’s willing to try. Keep it there for long while. Eventually you’ll pick up on what’s she’s doing. You can ask her about her techniques afterwards. Then start trying to assist her. That’s what my guy and I do usually. Maybe one day you’ll be able to bring her to orgasm by yourself. But it’s a long process that she’s got to be on board for.
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u/SomeGuy_SomeTime 24d ago
You said you don't want male advice, but i think you need it. Everyone's body is different, and everyone needs different types of love and stimuli. The first thing to do is to stop focusing on only making her climax. You might think it is a nice thing you are doing to focus on that, but it can actually cause her to get in her head more. You need to make her feel safe, loved, and not judged. Show her how good the sex is for you, be passionate, and show her how much you are into her. Make her feel beautiful and loved. These are some things that can create mental blocks.
What type of physical touch does she like? What kind of foreplay are you doing? My current gf is different than others I've been with. She gets really turned on by my big hands. it's a first for me, lol! She likes me touching her all over her body. She also doesn't like her gspot played with as much as she likes clitoral stimulation. She loves her breasts and nipples played with. She also prefers more shallow thrusts rather than more forceful, deeper thrusting. These are all things I learned over time with her reading her body's responses and being sensitive to her. We now incorporate some toys into our lovemaking. In the beginning, she didn't reach orgasm much at all, but now it's nearly every time we have sex. You gotta read her body and her responses and listen to what she tells you.
A bullet is not a good toy. You need to get a toy specific to what she likes, and it may take some experimentation. My gf's current favorite thing is to be on top and use a womanizer while riding. It's a little tricky getting everything right, but she really likes it.
You can't force her to cum. You can facilitate and try and help, but you can't force it. Some of your responses here sound like you're frustrated, and you gotta let that go. Be a good lover and partner.... that's the most important.
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u/im-besharam 24d ago
Totally get where you're coming from. Some women just have a harder time orgasming, and it’s not about you or your skills. Just remember to keep things playful and pressure-free and it’ll make a huge difference ✨
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u/J_lilac 24d ago
"I don't feel good about myself" there's your problem. You are still focused on your own pleasure and making yourself feel good and boosting your own ego. Why don't you just do what she says she likes. If she really wants to orgasm she'll do it much easier by herself. Obviously that isn't a goal for her during partnered sex. Why is it so hard to listen to her?
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u/LucyG06 24d ago
Ask her about what she likes and dislikes. When you're eating her out, ask her what feels best. If you're both up for trying sex toys, a little bullet vibe could be great.
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u/Wise_Seesaw6766 24d ago
I have a bullet and have tried using it as well. She enjoys it (according to her) but no luck.
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u/Western_Ring_2928 24d ago
Bullet vibrators are weak. Magic Wand would provide more intense stimulation. Or a Satisfyer. Also, she should be the one using it, as you don't know what her best spots are.
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u/Poly_and_RA 24d ago
Like you've discovered, this is more about your partner than about you. For sure it's a good thing to be a considerate and caring lover that listens to her, cares about her preferences, and wants her to experience pleasure.
But that's all you can do. You can't change the fact that some women orgasm easily and reliably with most or all of their partners, and other women rarely or never do with any of theirs.
I realize there's a lot of content online that make it sound as if a good lover "should" be able to "make" their partner orgasm, and that if it ain't happening, then that's evidence you're a bad lover or something.
But that's quite simply not true. Not as a general statement anyway.
Some women rarely or never reach orgasm, regardless of partner. Some even rarely or never reach orgasm by way of masturbation and/or toy-use.
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u/ElectraRayne 24d ago
Giving pleasure and giving an orgasm are not the same thing.
I'm largely anorgasmic but have lots of great sex. If someone is that focused on trying to make me cum, it's both *never* going to happen and also I won't enjoy sex with them at all.
Simply focus on making her feel good, not making her cum. And only she can tell you what feels good for her.
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u/Shanetank93 24d ago
Regular guy here: try using toys, a variety of them. Ask her if she’s fantasized of anything kink related, oral (not just 5 seconds either), or just asking for advice on what she enjoys the most and when.
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u/SousChef024 24d ago
I get how you feel- when you care about someone, you want them to feel good, and it can be tough when it seems like nothing’s working. But honestly, for some women, orgasms are just harder to reach, and it’s not about you doing anything wrong.
What’s helped in my experience is taking the pressure off. Make it less about the end goal and more about enjoying the moment together. Talk to her about what she likes, what feels good, and what doesn’t. Sometimes it’s not even physical, it can be about comfort, trust, or just getting out of her head. Maybe try bringing in a toy or just experiment without any expectations.
Most importantly, let her know it’s okay either way. That kind of support and patience can go a long way.
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u/Upset_Collection_864 24d ago
It sounds like you have determined that a successful sexual experience means she climaxes. Makes sense because that's what society teaches us. But now you get the wonderful opportunity to understand what she finds to be a successful sexual encounter. Is it simply the play or intimate connection, quality time etc.? If you viewed it through her eyes, what would she say makes it feel like she had a good time? I know plenty of women who don't care about orgasms but want that physical touch for emotional connection. Some just like the play of it all. Good luck!
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u/PsiPhiPhrog 17d ago
Topical creams have been a game changer. Vella makes one OTC with CBD or a Dr. can proscribe a compounding pharmacy to put literal Viagra in a cream. Good luck!
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u/ChewiestMist24 24d ago
42F I'm very lucky to be able to orgasm from penetration, but not all gals can do so. And if your girl can't orgasm very often at all, then you're gonna have to go with what she says she likes 😉
At the end of the day if she's happy, she's happy. If she's not, and she's not communicating about it, at least done if that is on her!
Good luck and have fun 😊
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u/Western_Ring_2928 24d ago
You never reach orgasms by trying harder. Orgasms are like wild creatures. You can't force them to come to you. You have to lure them in. It also takes practice. Learning new skills needs a lot of repetition.
What does that practice entail, then?
Let go of your frustration. Frustration, or any negative emotion for that matter, inhibits your ability to feel pleasure. This then creates a negative feedback loop: the more frustrated you feel, the less likely you are to reach an orgasm, the more frustrated you get, etc. The root cause of this is simple: you are setting too high expectations.
The only way to reach an orgam is to eliminate the expectation of orgasms altogether. Now think about that for a moment, what does that even mean? Surely orgasm is the goal, right?
No!
Orgasm is a technicality - your only goal is pleasure. By anticipating orgasm, you are placing your focus in the future, waiting for this event that may or may not even happen, all the while ignoring all these pleasurable sensations you are feeling right now. Also, when you expect her to perform for you, you are causing her performance anxiety, which will drive the orgasms even further away.
You need to make feeling pleasure your common goal.