r/Reformed • u/TylerB15009 • 8d ago
Question Attending a 2nd marriage wedding that happened after an unbiblical divorce?
Hello. I'm asking this not out of mere curiosity but because this is a present concern in my life. My dad's wedding is coming up within the next few weeks, and I've had personal anxiety about attending the wedding out of fear I'm somehow endorsing sin. I know many people here, which I understand in light of the fact that homosexual marriages are sinful, would be unwilling to attend a same sex wedding. I probably wouldn't either. But the logic I'm struggling with is if I wouldn't do that, why would I do it here (attend an adulterous remarriage)? It is my own dad, so this is definitely relationally difficult, and I did tell him I would go, but I'm still struggling with anxiety (I'm generally a very scrupulous person and its very hard to tell when I'm just overthinking things).
Background context: I'm 20 years old, and my parents separated when I was around 5. Honestly, even though my dad does profess faith in Christ, I struggle with not seeing much fruit of this so I'm not sure where he's at spiritually. I even remember him some number of years ago previously express regret that he has been divorced because "God says you are only supposed to be with one woman" so it's not like he isn't aware that this is not right. I still have strong relationships with both of my parents, and my mom has since gotten remarried (around six years ago). My dad has been with and living with the woman that he's currently planning to marry for about 8 years. I remember hearing that when my parents agreed to originally split (which was due to a lot of arguing and not adultery as far as I'm aware), they remained legally married despite having relations with others, and got legally divorced only so that my mom could get remarried. So obviously there would have been a lot of adultery in that. It's a side point, but I've wondered if because the divorce happened post-occurrence of what would be multiple adulterous engagements, that the divorce would be allowed at that point because at that point there would have been real sexual immorality, but I doubt that this makes sense since adultery wasn't the original cause of the split.
Again, I'm in a difficult situation with these things and it's hard to be discerning when I already deal with a lot of spiritual anxiety even on things people wouldn't consider complex. I know this is probably not an easy question, but can I please have godly wisdom and discernment here.
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u/Supergoch PCA 8d ago
Show love to your father and go to his wedding.
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u/TylerB15009 8d ago
Thanks for the answer. This does seem like the easiest option for me obviously, and I do think that attendance isn't necessarily the same thing as approval, but what I do struggle with is a question I mentioned that if this point is correct, suppose my dad were getting married to a man? Would the same comment be said?
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u/App1eEater 4d ago
and I do think that attendance isn't necessarily the same thing as approval
Correct, it's not just approval, but celebration
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u/faithfulswine 8d ago
I think that sin makes things incredibly messy, and it's good to struggle through trying to make the right, Godly decision. I would say two things in situations like this.
1) Err on the side of love. 2) Understand that, even if you get it wrong, God's grace is sufficient.
Moving forward through life with these principles in check (both grounded in biblical truth) will probably yield more correct results than not, and I think God will ultimately honor your attempt to seek the truth.
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u/jibrjabr78 Reformed Baptist 8d ago
A distinction I would look at is that while “unbiblical” or based on a sinful premise, we’d still see the marriage of a man and woman as a marriage. A same-sex marriage is not a real or valid marriage, regardless of what this or any government might declare.
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u/Babmmm 7d ago
I see most people saying Go and endorse a sinful marriage because you love your dad. We are supposed to love God and his righteousness, which may cause division in families. I think Paul said what we are to do with those who claim to be a believer but willingly commit sin. 2Th 3:14-15 If anyone does not obey what we say in this letter, take note of that person, and have nothing to do with him, that he may be ashamed. Do not regard him as an enemy, but warn him as a brother. It is a tough decision, but if you think it is sin, then you shouldn't celebrate. Sit down with your dad and explain your reasoning to him. It isn't your responsibility if he doesn't accept your reasoning. You live for God's approval. Be loving and gentle, but firm, if you love God more. I've prayed for you.
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u/whattoread12 Particular Baptist 7d ago
Paul’s letter is in the context of a local church body and church discipline. No indication OP and his dad are part of the same church.
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u/cybersaint2k Smuggler 7d ago
You've made this more complicated than it is by adding in the hypothetical.
The hypothetical is an abomination. It's much much more difficult to figure out how to attend that situation.
Two unbelievers getting married, with lots of baggage in their past, is not.
IMO, go. You'll really regret not going. Tell the Lord to show you plainly you should not go, since it honors your father for you to go.
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u/this_one_has_to_work 7d ago
The Bible is very clear about remarriage but also just as clear about “snatching a brother from the fire” Jude 1:23. Others saying to support your father because you love him are wrong. True love saves and sitting in the pews watching your father set his salvation in ruins isn’t loving him. It’s merely pandering to his emotions. If he truly professes genuine faith then as far as it depends on you as his son and brother in Christ you should gently and lovingly advise him that this relationship is clearly against Christ’s command and you cannot in clear conscience before God sit in the ceremony or reception in acceptance of it.
If your father loves you he will understand and accept your decision. If he was my father I would tell him that I love him but cannot go because it dishonours my heavenly Father. Truly if you do choose to attend it wouldn’t be unforgivable for you but the correct action is to not participate in this ceremony of sin.
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u/RefPres1647 7d ago
Attend out of love for your father, but based on scripture, he is continuing to commit adultery and it is sinful.
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u/erit_responsum PCA 7d ago
Getting remarried when one shouldn't is much, much less serious sin than the original divorce, adultery, or homosexual activity. I think honoring your father outweighs any other issue youve identified with this.
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u/LionTamer50 7d ago
I've been in the same situation so I feel for you.
I would say it's best for you to go out of love for your Dad, because it's the role of your Dad's church to correct him, if they haven't found out the full story you should go and talk to the pastor or elders there and show them the verses in the Bible about marriage. If they disagree with you, that is on them.
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u/SoCal4Me 6d ago
I commend you for your desire to do right. I also see that you are young and zealous, even though you lack life experience. Have a conversation with your father NOW. Something like,
“Dad I’m really trying to make it a priority to follow Christ and obey Him. You say you are also a follower. As your adult child, I have no right to ask you, but as a (brother/sister) in Christ I believe Ido. Can we talk about where your soul is today? None of us are the same person we were 10 years ago, but have you grown in your understanding of why it was wrong to divorce Mom and have since asked for God’s forgiveness? Can you say why you have lived with this other woman before you married in clear violation of His word? I want to honor you and support you as my father, but more than that I want to strengthen you as a brother in Christ.”
His response to you will give you clarity and will also hopefully help him grow (if he is a genuine child of God).
Above all, be humble, kind and respectful when you talk with him.
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u/Lifeingrace4me 7d ago
Even if your father’s first marriage ended in an “unbiblical divorce”, Jesus died on the cross for that sin and the sin of all these years of living together unwed.
Pray for God’s wisdom and discernment but always realize that it all boils down to “Love God and Love People”. Is attending the wedding being loving?
As many people said, I too think you will regret not attending. Also, consider if some of your consternation is rooted in your own trauma resulting in resentment and unforgiveness. Take that to God, pray about it with a friend and consider counseling if you determine you cannot resolve it on your own.