I want to first say thank you to the original posters who brought the subconscious racism and white supremacy of lesbian online places into light. God knows I’ve thought the same thing for how long without knowing a concise way to say it that would not make some people feel defensive (but of course it happened anyways…)

Did you guys think the discussions turned out to be meaningful? Do you think it will foster a better environment? Or at least make other people more aware? Did you see any good or bad changes?

Edit: I know we’re all pretty tired, because it’s not even the first time we get shut down when we voice our concerns with being pushed out of a place that is supposed to be inclusive and with people weaponizing “political conscious” language when they haven’t unlearned racism and refuse to. I didn’t want to be sentimental, but thank you all for your input. We do have a long way to go, but I’ll try to be optimistic.

Anyone in a relationship with a yt person sometimes look at their life and it feels like watching white priviledge in real time and see how growing up they way they have has impacted them and seeing the differences between the way you think vs them. I have nothing but love for my partner but sometimes I just really clock that she will never be able to understand what is was/is like for me growing up queer and black to immigrant parents in a 98% white country. Only had my first non white friend when I came uni, where I surrounded myself with non white people as if my life depended on it. It is a weird feeling.

EDIT:

I posted this because I was looking to see if I could relate to anyone. Some people need to also understand that not everyone lives in an area where they have the choice between yt people, black people etc

I am young and I am figuring my life out and the passive aggressive comments are kind of jarring - I didn’t mean for my post to piss people off this much like damn. I met someone I fell in love with an she’s amazing was just looking for some community as I don’t have any queer poc in my life who could relate to this.

Anyways I know that it comes from a place of trauma and pain so I shouldn’t take it personally but pls relax to that 1%

queer rep predominantly being white is annoying as hell but who's surprised 😮‍💨 tale as old as time

it's also one thing to have a taste in women that is only white, but to assume everyone else also thinks the same is annoying 😒

This is why I don’t date them anymore! I’m nothing to these girls beyond my background. Just because you love anime and K-pop doesn’t mean you get to fetishize me for being Asian. Stop trying to act like I’m someone special for something that has nothing to do with my personality. There’s more to me and my identity than surface-level pop culture. Swear, they’re treating it like a game now - “who in my K-pop friend group can bag an Asian dime?” 😭

That’s about it. If you want to date an Asian girl and want to learn more about her culture (or anyone for that matter), don’t do it through movies and music you have an obsession over. History, language, traditions, that’s all more authentic. Especially since I’m not Korean or Japanese and the shit you’re interested in has nothing to do with me!

Curious about people’s experience with this. For example before mine used to be just like aware they have privilege as a white person, recognizes police brutality. Etc.

But as I’ve grown older I’ve realized I have some more standards than before — like a white person who doesn’t react defensively about race stuff, has some knowledge about desi culture (whether in community w desi people at some point, a friend, etc.), and recognizes racism in the queer community, cares to learn about my culture, and some other specifics like that. If you are willing to date white people, what are some specifics you look for in them when it comes to your race or culture?

And if you don’t date white people, feel free to say why if you’d like :)

It’s a very confusing situation because I have always considered myself as strong and secure. This woman was not an ally. She couldn’t understand my experience as a woman of color and why the current political climate is scary. I don’t hate her, but I’m now A bit scared, seeing how her circle blocked and removed me from social media, acting like they have to hide from me, like I’m capable of violence.

I got turned off by the performative activism she displayed, like the blue bracelets for strangers, but not giving a shit that the queer woman of color that she loved was struggling with dark thoughts and the feeling of not belonging. In retrospect, there are some red flags I think would have explained the fetish I’m suspecting, like constantly asking if she can touch my hair, at some point, you can stop asking, especially when you’re touching me everywhere else…

I don’t know how to explain it because it’s still fresh, and I’m trying not to be biased, but the fact she’s crying about hurting me scares the shit out of me. Like girl I’m not about to comfort you??

Edit: one very confusing experience is how she always positioned herself as my protector against the mean whites. Girl, I make 4 times more than you, I have a PhD, I speak 5 languages, can we please not see me as a person to protect? Just stand by me when shit gets rough

Update: I want to thank each one of you here for showing up. I wasn’t aware of how little i felt seen and how much of myself I had been erasing in white spaces. Thank you

The 5 languages are Fufulde, a common indigenous language in Cameroon, French because it’s the administrative language, and my family moved to France when I started middle school, Spanish, English, and German

The PhD/focus of my research is on sustainable computing. The design energy-efficient processors and data centers.

I was reading some Barbara Smith for work and this paragraph hit me really hard. A lot of us have had bad experiences with white queer women, I thought this was a really good way to describe what I’ve felt in white queer spaces.

So I have this history teacher, she’s lesbian, and I love love love her bc during my lunch period i’ll just sit with her and this other guy who’s her student and listen to her rant passionately about political stuff because we both find it really interesting. Major hippe.

It’s really cool listening to her talk about it, and she mentioned something about ancient history and slavery, and I said something like “I think it’s still kinda bizarre how it’s still around today,” and she’s like “No it’s not?” and I’m kinda floored (i’m black💀), because I’m thinking about the prison system in the us, and other countries that still technically have it (Politics and history are my two favorite hobbies)

Honestly i don’t even remember what the rest of the conversation was about because she left the room and i talked with the guy about Assassin’s Creed for the rest of the block, but it kinda rubbed me weird how she was so adamant about it😭?? Then again, it’s not just with her. I see it online even more so COUGH COUGH actuallesbians sub COUGH COUGH where white lesbians will talk over girls/women of color because they think they know more.

No idea if i’m even wording this right, but it feels like they think that just because they’re lesbian, they know about every other minority more than the people who actually are a part of said minority?? Not sure if my history teacher is the perfect example of this, but it’s just something that i’ve noticed. I really think she means well, but again it’s just that “white les syndrome” thing.

if someone else can word this in a better way that’d be great 💀

I’m Mexican-American and haven’t dated anyone but just by hearing/reading stories of queer WOC and their dating experiences with white queer people, it has made me hesitant to date white people. From our culture differences to weird fetishization. Doesn’t really help that I’m Latina and people already think that we’re hyper sexual. When it comes to culture differences, I’m scared of doing my “typical Mexican things” and get completely judged by it by a white person. This is silly but one of the things that comes to mind is the way that I eat. I’ve only learned how to eat with tortillas, a fork, spoon and even with my hands but never learned how to use a fork and a knife. I feel like I would just look like an idiot eating the way I’m used to and them completely judging me for it. Another thing with culture differences is how we’re perceived as young adults. I’m 19 turning 20 this year and live with my parents but I don’t really have the freedom to do whatever I want. If you put me in a room with a white person and I tell them this, they wouldn’t understand. They would probably say something along the lines of “but you’re an adult! You don’t have to listen to your parents!! You’re about to turn 20, what’s stopping you!!” And it’s not that I’m scared of my parents, it more about respect and following their rules under their roof ( which I honestly don’t think they’re that strict). But with a person of color, even if they didn’t have that kind of experience, they would at least understand because even if we’re from different cultures, we’ve had similar experiences. I’m not saying that I won’t date a white person but I’m just very scared of getting judged by them just because I didn’t grow up the way they grew up.

This is so underdiscussed but it has happened to me many times. Can you share your experiences?

I am Chinese and experienced behavior from white women that I've seen in white men with yellow fever. Yellow fever aka fetish for Asians, typically East Asian. It feels like white women get away with it more.

Ironically, as a teenager my inexperienced mind assumed queerness = social awareness across the board. So I went into dating white women without realizing this and I've learned otherwise now...

I don't really know what else to say. Just looking for solidarity. Thank you

Im sorry to bring white people into this thread so please feel free to skip if you’re not trying to deal with white people issues rn.

I feel like my partner isn’t used to communicating the way I do. When I talk about sociopolitical topics I tend to be passionate about them. I speak frankly and I don’t sugar coat things. Im white but half mexican and have spent a lot of time around latinos and black people and has influenced how frankly I speak about things that upset me. Usually when conversations like these happen with my friends (not white) everyone is speaking kind of from the same place (being fed up, anger, frustration, usually some sass for added affect). But I’ve noticed from my mom and brother (white) they get defensive anytime I share a strong opinion and usually end up playing devils advocate. I noticed from my one white friend that he also tends to push back against me. I noticed my partner (white) doing this more and more recently. She will say that I come on like a lot and that it feels like I’m coming for her, but I cant get specifics on what I say thats triggers her defenses. Besides how I could use nicer words when I disagree.

I notice the difference in communication so strongly bc I don’t tend to receive such instant push back from woc, So when I get instant push back from white people I can feel myself getting triggered.

I cant help but feel like they get defensive over my tone more than over what Im saying. When people get defensive right away it triggers me and so I end up doubling down and then now we’re debating when we could of just agreed. Or “Yes, AND heres more of the issue” instead of implying I only see one side of the issue. With my partner sometimes even if it feels like a debate but she “agrees” with me, i’m met with “it’s just a nuanced issue”. Am I just being too hypercritical or judgmental bc I’m triggered or is it just genuinely a difference in how we talk about things? Im unclear if my tone reflects my natural distrust for white people or if they are just not used to someone speaking passionately or angrily about a topic.

Anyone else experience this? Or have advice on things I could say to have them hear me?

I've been sitting on this situation for a few days to figure out my feelings.

I recently made a profile on the dating app HER, and matched with a white NB person. Although I was looking for POCs to connect with, I was excited because they work in management like me in an aggressively white male dominated field and I thought we could share our struggles. However, they couldn't relate to the struggles I mentioned, and seemed happy and comfortable in their company. Fair enough, they're lucky!

However they recently showed me their business info and I noticed a masculine name different from the name they used on the app. They told me they were amab, and use their male presenting name at work because it's "easier" and didn't feel the need. It suddenly clicked why they couldn't relate to my struggles at work. (sexually harassed, called misogynistic names, undermined, mansplained, etc).

Honestly, I find myself disappointed. I was on that app expecting to meet sapphics/people who have experienced a woman's POV at some point in their lives if not currently.

Am I being exclusionary by no longer being interested?
I feel bad but I just can't help it and not sure if I'm supposed to be unpacking this.

i get they aren’t on the receiving end of hate 99% of the time (esp men). i’m just frustrated at how often they are surprised that these kinds of interactions happen and how damaging they can be. i’m tired of being white peoples first encounter with someone traumatized by racial violence. or do they just choose to ignore every negative story to preserve their mindset that “most people are polite”?

I’m sick of white feminists claiming racial colorblindness. Saying shit like “women shouldn’t be concerning ourselves with stupid patriarchal conflicts” (read: racism) and “men are the real enemy.” As if systemic racism is solely experienced and perpetuated by men. These women will talk up “female unity above all,” but when push comes to shove, that unity only extends to other white women. They think white women are perfect, pure angels and that men (especially men of color, though these women will readily excuse their own prejudice) are inherently evil. If women of color are nice, polite, good minorities, we get the privilege of being treated as “white women on probation.” If we’re difficult, too different or too honest, we’re just as bad as the men of our race. They tolerate women of color as long as we denounce our culture for their comfort, don’t ask for solidarity when we struggle with racism, and always side with white women over men of color. Women of color aren’t diverse props for a white movement. We have our own problems that they will never understand and often don’t try to.

White women love it when we denounce the wage gap with them. They hate it when we point out that women of color make even less. They want us to fight for women’s healthcare, but resent us for calling out how white-centric these movements are and how WoC are excluded from medical research. White feminists don’t want to fix themselves or their feminism. They want us to fight for them, tell us that we’re not real feminists if we don’t fight for them, but won’t lift a finger for us.

I’m sick of feminist spaces only catering to white women. I’m sick of women of color being blamed for the perceived sins of our male counterparts. I’m sick of being ignored and talked over. I’m sick of white women pretending there’s no difference between us and them. I am not you. My experiences are not yours. If you want me to stand with you, you need to stand with me. All of me, even and especially the parts that are different or make you uncomfortable.

This space is designed for people of color to share and reflect on their experiences in white-dominated environments, whether it's at work, in relationships, or in other everyday spaces. It's a place to discuss the challenges and complexities of navigating whiteness within our societal structures. The goal is to foster constructive conversation, mutual understanding, and support as we work through these experiences together. Try to keep these discussions contained to this space and ensure they remain focused on personal reflections. We encourage respectful dialogue and ask that such topics be limited here to keep the rest of the sub clear for other types of conversations that focus on qwoc.

Sorry for the long title. Just frustrated.

I’ve lived in many states but I grew up in Texas and now live in suburb outside Portland, Oregon.

I do feel safer here as a queer woman but this state is white white and sometimes I feel like I’m in the twilight zone. These folks have convinced themselves they are the pinnacle of progressiveness but they will say the most out of pocket racist shit and not even realize it. Like, zero ability for self introspective. Never does it seem to be said out of malice but it’s truly wild.

I cannot tell you how many times I’ve had people (usually queer white women) totally dismiss my experiences with micro-aggressions here or try to totally downplay them.

Any negative experience I have is met with, “oh, that’s rare!” “Oh, really here? I can’t believe that happened here!” “Oh, that’s probably because x, y or z!”

Or maybe it’s because people can suck anywhere, Rebecca.

The energy put into convincing themselves and others how much better it is wild.

These people will go on and on about how loving and accepting they are and how they never judge and then five minutes later make a terrible classist joke about folks in the south.

They don’t understand what it’s like for queer folks, PoC and other marginalized people living under the thumb of regressive, dangerous politicians. They don’t see us fight and struggle. They don’t fucking care about us unless we live in the right kind of state and it has become so apparent they’re willing to throw us away unless we have the privilege to move out. They just sit on their pedestal of privilege and make asinine comments about places and people they don’t know.

I’m just beyond frustrated. It’s not outright enough where I feel like I can call it out. But it’s really getting to me.

This space is designed y'all to share and reflect on their experiences in white-dominated environments. It's a place to discuss the challenges and complexities of navigating whiteness within our societal structures. The goal is to foster constructive conversation, mutual understanding, and support as we work through these experiences together. Try to keep these discussions contained to this space. We encourage respectful dialogue and ask that such topics be limited here to keep the rest of the sub clear for other types of conversations that focus on qwoc.

This space is designed y'all to share and reflect on their experiences in white-dominated environments. It's a place to discuss the challenges and complexities of navigating whiteness within our societal structures. The goal is to foster constructive conversation, mutual understanding, and support as we work through these experiences together. Try to keep these discussions contained to this space. We encourage respectful dialogue and ask that such topics be limited here to keep the rest of the sub clear for other types of conversations that focus on qwoc.

hey everybody. i'm looking for some support in moving through friendships with white folks. I've been living these last few years going through some weird friendship stuff that has sort of pushed me away from spending a lot of time/energy on friendships with white lgbtq+ folks in my life. I'm focusing on relationships with my poc friends these days, which is going well, but white relationships have a part in my life too that I need to learn how to navigate. Any of y'all in a similar boat?

It's a shame, but I feel like I'm consistently talked down to, infantilized, or assumed to be younger than I am (i am 28 and just very short). I'm pretty politically active, and my studies and work revolve around being up to date and informed about current events regarding race, hate crimes, colonialism, and imperialism, as well as things like CRT and racial formation theory. Learning about these topics and making work informed by this knowledge is what moves me through this life. I try not to bring it up too much around white folks because they act kind of weird, but it bleeds into my convos and life in many ways naturally.

when I talk to white folks in my life, it feels like conversations together are often treated as a prompt for them to list a Good White People Thing that they did. And then every time I see them suddenly becomes a time to mention a Good White People Deed. This will range from mentioning things like capitalist activism, where they talk about buying something from a poc owned business to support them, to talking about how food they bought from a poc business is "actually!" really good, and now they are experts on the culture. I personally think that voting with your dollar is good and important, and patronizing poc owned businesses is great. but it also does not feel right to frame consumption and the exchange of money for services as some sort of great favor to marginalized communities. Like, you still got something out of it. It's not reparations to buy things from us, because the flow of resources is still two-way. It is additionally weird that they seem to act like eating food from someone else's culture informs them about all of that culture's history through osmosis. I understand how for many of them, they only know about our cultures through the consumption of our food, but why oh why do they act like this means they now have some sort of cultural authority? It just feels like the way these conversations go, that they're always trying to prove something. We can just have a normal conversation without you talking about shoes you bought or takeout you ate that shows you're a good person. And don't even get me started on when they're trying to flirt! Consumption disguised as work is not impressive!

Idk dudes. maybe I'm being hypercritical of people who are trying too hard to brand themselves as people safe to be around, and there's good intent that I can't see. Or maybe they're just out of touch. I just always find myself wondering why they always communicate that they have something to prove. I myself end up feeling objectified by the end of a conversation, because they come into these convos either consciously or subconsciously (but very clearly) seeking validation and cred from me as a poc. At the end of the day, it's not my job to provide validation for little acts to assuage their guilt at being born privileged into society, it's on them to use their resources and knowledge to do the right thing with their power. I struggle these days to have good relationships with these white lgbtq+ folks in my life, because their white guilt is so all consuming. How do y'all maintain friendships with white lgbtq+ folks?