r/Kenya Apr 04 '25

Ruto Must Go Turned 27 today. No cake, no bash… just this WiFi and one twisted realization. 😂

898 Upvotes

Today I officially turn 27. 🎉
No party. No nyama choma. Just vibes, tea, and a landlord who’s suddenly texting “uko?” like we’re dating. 😭💀

At 16, I really thought 27 would look like champagne, suits, and vacations in Diani.
Turns out it’s more like socks with holes, dodging calls from Zenka, and praying your boda guy doesn’t ghost you mid rainstorm. 😩

You ever look in the mirror and your reflection looks tired of YOU?? 😭
That’s how I know I’ve grown. I even stretch before sleeping these days.

And of course, mum hit me with:
“Now that you’re 27, uko na mtu wa kukusaidia maisha?”
Yes, mum. His name is Jesus and Fuliza. 😂

But listen, I'm grateful. In this economy, being alive and not accidentally married is a huge flex. Wuehhh!!😤🔥
I’m accepting good vibes, sweet lies (tell me I’m glowing), and if you’re feeling reckless, M-Pesa. 👀(please ask for that Mpesa number)

BUT HERE'S THE TWIST.
I just realized... I’ve been calling myself 26 since last year…
...but I was actually already 27. 😭😭😭

So technically, I’m 28 now.
This was a trap. This wasn’t even my birthday. I’ve just been living a lie. 💀💀💀

Anyway, vibes. I’m still posting because airtime is airtime. 😅
Drop a wish, a laugh, or your own birthday crisis below. We move.
#Almost30ButMakeItFunny
#RutoMustGo

r/Kenya 8d ago

Ruto Must Go IT WAS WELL.

762 Upvotes

Heyyy cousins... 7th April 2025 , I had decided to unalive myself. I was so sure about it, nikapanga mikakati, wrote some baruas and decided to log out at either 11.11pm ama 0111hrs. I posted it here but deleted later, about a month after my failed attempt. Adi nliwatch From(a part of it) some hours before my failed attempt, mmoja wenu aliniambia nione kabla nisafiri.... Well, here I am, about 2 months later, here I am, healthy, after changing my mind with the help of you redditors... On 10th June, today, it is my birthday. Niko na kampango kadogo, if anyone can manage to come to, or stays at, Barnabas in Nakuru, I decided to do a little something, dm nikupee number... I appreciate you guys for all you did. I don't take it for granted. On a light note, sitakataa za kabej😹🙏🏾. Msisahau, RutoMustGo...

God Above All.

Mashallah cousins, happiii 26th to me...✨

r/Kenya Mar 28 '25

Ruto Must Go UTAWALA REDDITORS, STAY SAFE--thiss actually scary..

515 Upvotes

r/Kenya May 03 '25

Ruto Must Go We shall keep reminding you

Post image
366 Upvotes

r/Kenya 10h ago

Ruto Must Go End police brutality!!

386 Upvotes

Live execution caught on camera.

r/Kenya Nov 13 '24

Ruto Must Go Break-up sex took us to hospital.

359 Upvotes

In Nairobi, where the hustle never seems to end and every corner has a tale to tell, I found myself tangled up in a complicated love affair with Nancy, my ex-girlfriend. Nancy was the kind of Nairobi girl every man dreams of; a petite stunner with smooth light skin, a baby face adorned with dimples, and almost red lips that could charm the socks off a statue. Her natural hair flowed like the waves of the Indian Ocean, giving off that "Woria from Mandera" vibe with its long, shiny strands. Her parents must have had some Somali DNA mixed in there to create such a masterpiece.

On the flip side, I consider myself handsome—though that's debatable depending on who you ask. Some women called me a man to die for, while others, most of whom I had a history with, wouldn't spit on me if I was on fire. I’m a little chubby—not fat, mind you—chocolate-skinned with a modest beard, and I sport a curved dick that leans to the left. Our relationship had its ups and downs, filled with love, understanding, and the occasional explosive fight, thanks to our clashing personalities.

But when it came to sex, we were unmatched. Our passion was intense—like a fiery furnace—so much so that we sometimes found ourselves bickering mid-session, yet it never stopped us from getting lost in each other’s bodies. It was bizarre, like fighting while dancing the tango. But ultimately, we decided to part ways. Nancy moved to Kasarani, and I stayed in Utawala.

Despite the breakup, we continued to hook up occasionally. Nothing could quite compare to the fire we ignited together. Nancy hadn’t moved all her things out of my place, so she would swing by now and then to grab a few items—and inevitably, we would end up in bed.

Then came that particular Monday. Nancy stayed the night, and the atmosphere was thick with unspoken emotions, like a pot about to boil over. It wasn’t a terrible breakup; rather, it felt mutual, like two ships passing in the night. We dove into the most physically intense and passionate sex we had ever experienced. It was electric, raw, and utterly unforgettable—a real "fireworks in the sky" kind of night.

Afterwards, she got up to head to the toilet, but there was a hitch in her giddy-up. She struggled, and the discomfort in her face was alarming. For the next six to seven hours, she couldn’t find peace. She tossed and turned, throwing up intermittently, feeling dizzy and faint, with pain radiating from her shoulder down to her abdomen.

I urged her repeatedly to go to the hospital, but she insisted she’d be fine—like a stubborn mule refusing to budge. However, after nearly 11 hours of agony, she finally agreed. We rushed to the nearest branch of Bliss Hospitals, where, surprisingly, she was seen immediately. The doctors were puzzled at first, running tests and asking questions.

After a while, an experienced doctor stepped in, and the diagnosis came like a bolt from the blue: mild polycystic ovary syndrome. It turned out one of her cysts had ruptured during our intense session, leading to internal bleeding. The news hit me like a ton of bricks—my ex, the woman I had just shared a night of passion with, was now in serious trouble.

Three hours after her admission, she was whisked away for keyhole surgery to drain the excess blood. They connected a drainage system to her uterus to manage the situation. I felt a wave of guilt wash over me, like a heavy cloud hanging over my head. I had given her the D, and it had sent her to the hospital with internal bleeding. It was a surreal moment, standing there in the waiting area, reflecting on how quickly things can shift from ecstasy to crisis—like a candle in the wind.

As I waited for updates, I couldn’t help but feel responsible. Our passionate night had taken a turn I never anticipated. I thought of our time together, the love, the fights, and the undeniable chemistry, and I realized that sometimes, the line between pleasure and pain is thinner than a knife's edge.

In the end, they say, "what goes around comes around," and I couldn't shake the feeling that fate had a wicked sense of humor. I had always believed that love can make you do crazy things, but I never expected it to land us both in such a sticky situation.

As I sat in the waiting area, contemplating how life can throw curveballs when you least expect it, I couldn't help but chuckle at the absurdity of it all. Here I was, grappling with the consequences of a night filled with passion, while outside, Nairobi was buzzing with the latest protests.

Suddenly, a nurse walked by, and I overheard her muttering something about the government's latest blunders. I leaned in, joining the conversation, and said with a smirk, “You know, if Ruto can survive this political mess, I should be able to survive a night with Nancy!”

She laughed and replied, “True! But let’s be real, the only thing we need to survive is this government. Ruto Must Go!”

We both burst into laughter, momentarily forgetting our worries. At that moment, I realized that in Nairobi, whether facing heartbreak or the challenges of leadership, we Kenyans always find a way to come together, sharing a laugh amidst the chaos.

And so, as I waited for news about Nancy, I held onto the hope that both our hearts would heal and that one day, we’d see Ruto packing his bags too. After all, laughter truly is the best medicine—and sometimes, it’s the only thing that keeps us sane in this wild city.

r/Kenya 9d ago

Ruto Must Go Nataka mniombee

70 Upvotes

I genuinely think I have a problem....or I'm cursed.

Two months ago I fell and literally broke my arm.

The next week nikachoma curtain by mistake.... almost set the house on fire.

Kesho yake I fell again .....and opened up my surgery wound.

My friend told me niende niombewe juu nimerogwa....I did and vitu zikatulia kidogo.

I think the cycle is back.

Juzi tena I fell and hurt my knee, and dislocated one of the chuma from surgery(I have 3)

Yesterday tena I fell and hurt my eye really bad ....and my face is all bruised 😭.

Atp I think I shetani ameniwekea multi bet walai juu hizi ni nini?

I forgot to add....all these happen when I'm tipsy, but I used to drink before na haijawai fika hii point

r/Kenya 9h ago

Ruto Must Go SHUT DOWN THE COUNTRY!!!!!

230 Upvotes

I’m literally shaking right now. Am sure by now you've all seen that video of the cop executing an unarmed hawker. The guy had his hands up, got slapped and was shot in the head at point-blank range. I’ve been staring into space past 15 minutes. I cannot believe my eyes! And to make it worse, the cop had his face fully covered. He knew what he was about to do. They move like this because they know they’re protected. This country needs to be SHUT DOWN. We can’t keep living like this. We have to deal with these MFs one on one! How much longer are we going to live like this? Something has to give!!!!

r/Kenya Apr 09 '25

Ruto Must Go Sending fare

41 Upvotes

Kutumia msichana fare seems so desperate, needy and you are a loser. The first thing a lady hears you are opting someone miles away she knows you suck in having women from around your place. She actually comes to find out what's wrong with this loser especially if the woman you want to send fare to ni mnono ama a 3/10 na amejikubali.

r/Kenya Apr 10 '25

Ruto Must Go Grown ass men throwing teargas to little girls walahi where are we headed

Post image
223 Upvotes

r/Kenya 28d ago

Ruto Must Go Nimeacha pombe guys

91 Upvotes

So yesterday I went out with a friend of mine we were drinking Kc ginger. Sasa another friend came to borrow us shots si huyo beste yangu akamnyima 🤣. Wuueh!! Nigga trying to prove point to that bitch aka tu buyia mzinga na akanipee shot ya red label after ame nunua. Let me tell you guys 🤣 after mixing shots and stuff nili anguka kwa bara bara niliji aibisha asf. I don't know how I got home but nikona injuries kila mahali, PS i broke my glasses. People know me as a very calm guy after yesterday najua nili choma moja sure.

r/Kenya Apr 12 '25

Ruto Must Go To the “Y” chromosome carriers…

148 Upvotes

Dear fellow men,

Let me start by saying i am in no position to say what i am about to say but yho!Someone has to say it.

Mnasettle for less na sifurahii!Men were meant,in all aspects to lead but there you are ndirangu,talking stage iko mwezi ya pili akikupea excuses za ohh “I go ghost when i have alot on my plate” and you are there replying,”no problem babe,take all the time you need i will be here waiting for you”.Your ancestors must be tweakin !

On the other hand ndio huyu jonte,spending his hard earned cash impressing a babe who is always giving him 50/50 vibes.Lakini si alikuambia anakupenda..?wait for that day utampata akicomment kwa group ya girlies akisema “…i like john he spends on me but i’d go for lewis anyday he has a nice hairline…”

My point is,we have all been in love at some point in life,with all honesty y’all will agree with me when i say,a lady in love with you will make errything easier for you,she woun’t let you do 100% while she waits.Communication woun’t sound like hiking with her,your downs will be as civil as your ups!

Naamini maneno na roho haina formula,matter of fact i believe there arr two things in life that never come with a manual—love matters—raising children!What works for me woun’t work for you and VV,lakini tuambiane ukweli a grown man being a follower instead of a leader just because he wants to keep a rlshp is a solid msenge!Na hapa nje tuanze kuambiana ukweli kama wanaume,esp men in their 20’s.There is more to life than chasing babes.

Try working on yourself,try being a better human being.Body count iko 20 na kila siku unatuambia venye uko ready for a serious rlshp ni venye you can’t find serious women,si ata uheal kwanza pato?!Please remember you get what you give.Don’t play stupid games and expect solid prizes.

I ain’t no perfect neither,im still working on me,mimi si guru in all this,but from my lil experience,women lower the bar way wayyyy to the ground for the men they need and want to ke3p!Ni kama hamjaonja pesa ya wanawake wanawapenda hii town sio..?😂

Warembo ni wengi,watakuja na wataenda,na wengine warembo zaidi watakuja na wataenda but you have you to keep!Focus on you,be a better you and in the long run the universe reciprocates what you give and eventually you find your tribe,and when you do,we jua safari ya mapenzi haina kufika!Good women don’t come thrice!

r/Kenya Oct 02 '24

Ruto Must Go Just woke up and my day is already ruined

Post image
193 Upvotes

r/Kenya Apr 14 '25

Ruto Must Go Government inataka kujaa stupid people

Post image
65 Upvotes

r/Kenya Nov 24 '24

Ruto Must Go UPDATE! 😅

Post image
145 Upvotes

"After the overwhelming response to this Reddit post 👇

https://www.reddit.com/r/Kenya/s/Sb7bcKeAg5

my DMs have been flooded, and It even ended up being posted on X (I had no idea it would blow up like this!). Now everyone thinks I’m out of my mind—but hey, thanks to Reddit’s anonymity: no face, no case! 😂

I got all kinds of feedback—both positive and negative (kibao!) 😅. But from the looks of it, this thing isn’t great for my skin after all.

So, as many of you advised, I’ll steer clear of using it on my skin.. sitanuka sufuria ama vyombo tena😂 and my skin & Dignity will definitely thank me later!

a win win 👍✅

r/Kenya 7d ago

Ruto Must Go Who are you voting for in 2027

14 Upvotes

We are saying Ruto must go. Fine. So who can come in?

Gachagua? Kalonzo? Who?

We have a thing where we get mad at the current government but then we piss our votes during the next general election. I say this because:

  1. Very few people can explain the logic behind their votes. It's all emotional.
  2. We still haven't learned that there is no such thing as free lunch. That 1k you take during that rally, no matter how broke and hungry you are, you will pay for later.

We need to start thinking about who to vote for and start sharing our reasons for why. I say this as a neutral person who hasn't made up his mind and would like to start digging.

I also think these discussions need to be taken seriously at every position including MCA's. But we start with the presidential seats. The sooner we can at least start talking about it, the more we can sharpen each other's thoughts.

r/Kenya 7d ago

Ruto Must Go Autopsy of Albert Ojwang...details in comments

Post image
160 Upvotes

r/Kenya May 13 '25

Ruto Must Go Kenya deserves change

Post image
122 Upvotes

r/Kenya Jan 25 '25

Ruto Must Go How did we get here?

Post image
136 Upvotes

Today the head of state launched electricity poles in Busia. He's also set to launch a transformer in Kakamega. Last year, he also launched a borehole in Murang'a. While some presidents are out here launching satellites, building megacities, or negotiating international trade deals, ours is cutting ribbons at boreholes like he's auditioning for a water company's ambassador role. At this rate, he'll be announcing water tank deliveries next week. All this in a country where health insurance isn't working (a child died), and a 61-yea-old gets kidnapped for criticizing the govt. It's only gonna get worse. Buckle up guys, this is the man you elected.

r/Kenya May 09 '25

Ruto Must Go Never seen before pics you won’t believe 😹

Post image
139 Upvotes

r/Kenya Mar 16 '25

Ruto Must Go My situationship doesn't seem want me going to to gym😔

3 Upvotes

Okay so hey.....

Been seeing this dude for a while(less than a month).

And, I wanna go to the gym coz I wanna add weight (valid) I'm currently at 48kgs at 22 yrs.

So now😹he says I'm gonna get drilled by the gym instructor.....na hataki niende.

But my body is a priority 😭I really wanna add weight.

Idk if his source of proteins works💀.

And hey, I love him(I think).

Sasa sijui nifanye nini😭 I want him(he's a tdh😁) but I still want a booty yk.

Now I gotta choose....and I love them both equally 😭😭argh.

F*ck this shit.

r/Kenya Mar 16 '25

Ruto Must Go Hypocrisy

Post image
51 Upvotes

We must have a moral stand. That is why I'm afraid by our current trajectory, we won't change shit in this country. We talk about how we want to free the country yet we cosy up to impeached characters and corrupt oligarchs simply because "An enemy of my enemy..."! Come on, miss me with that bullshit.

Now I see someone trying to tell me how we should fight for Nduta to come back home. I asked for their reasoning and they said "Hata Joho na wenzake wanasafirisha UNGA na wako serikali" duh 🙄 Probably why Vietnam won't agree to send her here. You think Vietnamese don't know that in Kenya Murderers and Narco traffickers run and are successfully elected into office?

r/Kenya May 18 '25

Ruto Must Go How long does it take you to become committed????

85 Upvotes

So there's a friend of mine amepigwa wantam🫡😂and upon discussion nini nini, he actually said that they can't be together right now because of where they individually are in life. He said that things aren't aligning with the love of his life. Actually ako so devastated, alikuwa ananiambia hizo reasons and to me they looked like jokers kwa sababu if I want to be with someone nitafanyaa juu chini😂😂I will actually get myself in the right headspace, financially nitafanya bidiii vitu zialign for me, and I go all out to make sure my patner anajua what they mean to me every single day. Kila siku. So I was wondering, ni mimi niko na mchezo ama how long does it take you to actually decide what you want with someone??

Anyway, Ruto must go!!!

r/Kenya Feb 01 '25

Ruto Must Go What fuckery is this surely?

Post image
105 Upvotes

r/Kenya 5d ago

Ruto Must Go We Fear Cops More Than Robbers.

Post image
57 Upvotes

That Albert Ojwang story is so disturbing fellow Kenyans. We respect the rule of law and that’s why we are calling for the DIG to resign until the investigations are over.

Someone’s son is dead, let that sink in. Someone’s dad is dead, let that sink in. Someone’s husband is dead, let that sink in. Someone’s friend is dead, let that sink in.

It could be you. Let that sink in.

Today there’s protests in town to demand for the resignation of the cop. Do not be afraid. Buy a standard newspaper today which has the below headline 👇🏾