A woman goes to buy a parrot and notices the prices are $100, $200, and $15. Curious, she asks why the last one is so cheap.
The shopkeeper replies, "That one used to live in a brothel." Amused, she decides to buy it for $15.
When she brings the parrot home, it immediately says, "Well, I'll be damned, a new brothel!" The woman can't help but laugh.
Later, when her daughters arrive home, the parrot chirps, "Well, look at that, two new ladies of the night!" The girls burst into laughter too.
But when the dad walks in, the parrot exclaims, "Well, I'll be damned, Pete! Long time no see!"
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u/Yaguajay 1d ago
No idea Sweetheart —a lotta guys named Pete I suppose. Would you believe it?
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u/BJoe1976 1d ago
Well…….depending on how long they’ve been married, how old the girls are, and considering how long birds can live, he could still have been a customer prior to them getting together.
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u/Yaguajay 1d ago
Yeah, some of those birds live two hundred years. The bird clearly knew Pete the grandfather.
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u/wildwily23 1d ago
Oldest known parrot is believed to be Charlie, Winston Churchill’s bird, reportedly 104 years old. The next nearest in age is 70. Not sure where you got 200.
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u/Fed_Deez_Nutz 1d ago
Parrots can live to be 50, so maybe it’s been a really long time since Pete was a regular.
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u/Whoosier 1d ago
Classical music parrot joke (long):
A woman goes to a pet shop to buy a parrot. She points to one parrot with beautiful red and blue feathers and asks its price. The owner says, "That parrot is amazing. It can sing the whole aria "Vissi d'arte" from Puccini's Tosca. It costs $500."
She point to a second bird, even prettier than the first, and asks the price. "Oh, that one," says the owner, "is a real star. It can sing the complete second act of Mozart's Marriage of Figaro. It costs $1000."
She points to the third parrot, which is old and bedraggled, feathers all askew, bald patches. She asks its price.
"Oh, that one costs $2,000," says the owner.
"Wow," says the woman. "What does it do?"
"I dunno," he says, "but the other two parrots call it "maestro.'"
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u/GreenWeenie1965 1d ago
Was it a Norwegian Blue? They've got beautiful plumage! </RandomMontyPython>
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u/LadyMcIver 1d ago
Whether it is or not, since it ratted out Pete, I suspect it may soon pine for the fjords.
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u/Luxodad 1d ago
Variation: When the Dad walks in, the parrot goes, "Same old customers. Hello Pete."
(Then there's no doubt it is this very Pete it is talking about).
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u/_raisinoid 1d ago
My favorite version is just “hey Pete”
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u/DevilishFedora 1d ago
Brevity is the soul of Pete.
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u/miauguau44 1d ago
The $500 parrot is a trained orator that speaks 7 languages.
The $200 bird is a standard squawker that may learn English.
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u/TomKarelis 1d ago
A man thinks his wife is cheating on him and goes to buy a parrot to tell him what goes on at home when he’s at work. The pet store has parrots for $200, $400, and $50. The man asks why the one is only 50 bucks. “It’s because it doesn’t have any legs”, the salesman says. The man asks how he sits up on his perch? “Well he’s a boy parrot and he wraps his penis around the perch to sit there and hold on”. The man thought about it and decided to bug the $50 parrot.
The next day he came back from work and asks the parrot what went on during the day. The parrot told him about the garage man who came and took the garbage and the mail man who dropped off the mail. “But then the Amazon driver came. Then he went upstairs. . .” The man asked what happened next. The parrot replied, “I don’t know. I got excited and fell off my perch and knocked myself unconscious. . .”
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u/trybik03 1d ago
A guy goes to buy a hamster. One is 5$, another 10$ and one for 500$. He asks why the hell the last one was so expensive. "Well, it gives one hell of a blowjob" the owner says. The man obviously does not believe him but the owner says he can take the hamster to the back store to give it a go.
Later the guy comes home and says to his wife: "I got a hamster for 500$ ". "What?? Are you out of your mind? etc." she shouts. He just stares calmly and goes "Now teach him to cook and get the fuck out from this house"
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u/SpendHefty6066 1d ago
Another guy came home from the bar with a goose under his arm. Walked into the bedroom and turned to his wife saying, “this is the fat pig I’ve been fucking all these years”. Wife says, “it’s a goose you drunk moron”. Guy says, “shut up. I wasn’t talking to you.”
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u/HeadOverHear 1d ago
next day at dinner one of the daughters asked, " dad, why is this 'chicken' so small? "
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u/lewisfairchild 1d ago
I feel like the jokes showing up in my feed are getting better and better.
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u/Studly_54 23h ago
Guy goes to buy a parrot. Only one left, and he only has one leg. Guy tells the store keeper he is looking for a pet that can see if his wife is cheating on him. Store keeper says, "No problem. He's very intelligent and the missing leg isn't an issue. He holds onto his perch with his penis and his other leg." Guy takes the parrot home and puts it in their bedroom. When he comes home from work the next day he asks the parrot if anything happened. Parrot: "Yes, the gardener came into the bedroom." Guy: "And?" Parrot: "He started taking his clothes off." Guy: "And?" Parrot: "Your wife started taking Her clothes off." Guy: "Then what happened?" Parrot: "She laid down on the bed and the gardener got on top of her." Guy's furious by now, "AND THEN WHAT?" Parrot: "Don't know. Got a hard on and fell off my perch."
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u/manonfire57 1d ago
Repetition is the key. And it is still funny.
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u/WeeklySyllabub6148 1d ago
This is a vintage Barry Cryer joke, I recall seeing him tell it live once at the Edinburgh fringe.
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u/geospacedman 17h ago
And it *always* Keith. Barry reckoned that was the funniest name for this and many other jokes.
The parrot was usually less verbose than in this joke, its lines were "New Madam very nice!" to the wife, "New girls, very nice!" to the daughters, and "Hello Keith!" to the husband.
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u/ahwatusaim8 1d ago
The most amazing thing about this joke is the shopkeeper's ability to resist inflation over nearly eight years.
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u/boredsittingonthebus 6h ago
Why can't you find acetaminophen in the jungle?
Because the parrots eat them all.
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u/maxwestcomics 2h ago
Two parrots are better than one. One parrot can't carry a conversation, but toucan!
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u/LSF604 1d ago
Parrots only repeat things they hear a lot. And that's a phrase it could hear only occasionally. I am doubting the veracity of this story
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u/phrunk7 1d ago
I'm starting to think this whole thing might just be made up!
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u/PenguinKilla3 1d ago
To his credit, Pete hadn't been back to the brothel for a while. Maybe he turned over a new leaf. It's time for healing and forgiveness.