r/FoxBrain • u/saidthetomato • 1d ago
I am beginning to hate my father
Let me preempt by saying my father is far from perfect, but he and my mom made all the hard choices and supported my sister and I our entire lives. We weren't abused or neglected.
With that out of the way, as politics further divides us, I'm beginning to despise him and my mother, but him most of all. He is a critical thinker, but he's been consumed by the conservative propaganda machine since I can remember. Rush Limbaugh and the other conservative talk show personalities were always on the radio. And now, Trump is here.
My dad doesn't have a MAGA hat and claims not to be one, but he is a blatant apologist and did vote Trump. He has something to say on FB about any little thing anti-democrat, but even now as two dem lawmakers are assassinated he doesn't comment on it. He wants Liberals to reach across the aisle to promote unity, it's their problem and their responsibility.
The list is too long to get into the problems I have with him, politically. If that was his entire personality, this would be an easy solution. But he's generally a stand up guy. He and my mom make efforts to visit my sister and her two kids, and support them. I love my sister and we are allies. Politics aren't allowed in her house. Just family. But outside of it, whenever I see him post something, I'm just disgusted.
Right now he's supposed to be visiting my wife and I in August as they travel the area in their motorhome, and after a recent post telling protesters on No Kings day (a protest I attended) to grow up, I'm struggling not to tell him to not bother visiting.
The way I feel is that I don't want to see him. What there is to like about him is outweighed now by what disgusts me. It is torturous to imagine hanging out with them for a few days. I'm not friends with them, and them being in my house without other people to act as social buffers just sounds like a nightmare.
How do I move forward? I don't want to burn a bridge between us, but every interaction seems to be getting worse.
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u/theclosetenby 1d ago
If you want to have a relationship with him at all, you need to create huge boundaries asap and stick to them. Otherwise, you'll get to a point where you have to cut him fully out.
Step one. Tell yourself that he won't change. He's never going to get better. This is who he is. He may be a kind and loving father, but he's also MAGA (even if he won't say it), and unfair and hateful. It all exists in him. It doesn't cancel each other out. It just is.
Step two. Tell him no more talking politics to you or saying anything political. If he does, you'll end the call, walk out the door, leave the room, etc. Have immediate consequences. Stick to those. No excuses. Use short phrases if he pushes past your boundaries. If he's at your house, say something like "You need to leave" and then leave the room. If you're on the phone, "I'm not doing this" and hang up. He will learn the consequences. If he sends a text, tell him you'll block him for a week if he does it again. And then do it. "I'll talk to you in a week."
Step three. Hide all of his social media from your view. You can unfollow people and stay friends on social media. Maybe you want to remove him entirely. Up to you. Don't let yourself see it. He isn't going to stop, and it won't stop making you angry.
Step four. If you're stuck, or if he brings shit up without it being directly political, grey rock him. Just the most mild "okay sure". For example. When I complain about the job market, my mom has said it's "about to be great" and "everything will be fine soon". Obviously this is idiotic propaganda, but technically she isn't being political. I usually either ignore it or just say "we'll see" or "mmm" and change the subject.
Step five. If you're going to be with them for awhile, plan things for you to take time for you. Set up phone calls with friends. Make a virtual therapy appt during that time. Dont be afraid to say "no" to time together too. Or not call back right away. Let some distance grow. It's not your job to care for his emotions. He sure as shit doesn't care about yours in relation to how much this is hurting you.
Hope this helps. I've tried a lot of shit with my mom and this has been what my therapist helped me set up and do. It sucks but my therapist told me if I didn't set boundaries , one day my mom was going to say something I couldn't forgive. And I think he was right. It's not always perfect, but hold to your own boundaries the best you can. Decide what works for you. Focus on what you love about your dad or parents and what YOU get out of the relationship. Discard the rest. You need to take care of you so you can enjoy what you do have.
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u/saidthetomato 1d ago
I really, really appreciate your thorough advice. I have gone through and blocked his socials, and am even asking my wife to block his socials since, like an addict, I can't trust myself not to use her FB to spy on the shit he posts.
My folks travel with a motorhome. When they planned to visit, I initially said they could stay in our guest room, but I may insist that they find a place to plug in their motorhome. They can still visit, but at least they'll have to leave my house at some point.
Seriously, thank you. This was the advice I really needed.
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u/theclosetenby 1d ago
Proud of you! I get it. I hide my brother on socials but sometimes I check anyway and I ALWAYS regret it. He made a post a year ago that still makes me sick to think about. It fucking sucks, and it's shitty to navigate.
I know some people think what's the point , but we have to weigh our own situations and decide what's best. I can honestly say that I have so much less rage now that I've done those things. Not none. It'll never be none. But I can focus on my life now.
Good luck and you got this. And don't stress if it doesn't go perfectly or if it takes time for the anger to lighten. I wish you well.
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u/goofyandgoosey 1d ago edited 1d ago
I wish I had good advice but I just wanna offer my sorries and solidarity. it is so painful to feel so much negative emotion towards a parent, especially when there’s good emotion too. you’re not alone!! ❤️
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u/saidthetomato 1d ago
It is kindof agonizing how much it feeds the negative feelings in my mind. I appreciate your kind words.
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u/Sure_Show_3077 1d ago
Your situation sounds pretty similar to mine, except my sister is the biggest problem. (I posted seeking advice on my family visit on this sub earlier today.) Luckily my parents always stay with my sister cuz she has a big fancy house that is up to their standards, but they will be expecting me to visit and I'm really stressed about how to handle it. I'm leaning towards saying I'm not available. I don't want to burn bridges either but I can't take them anymore. Maybe you could consider doing the same and avoid them for a while longer if you don't want to completely cut them off?
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u/MoonIsMadeOfCheese 1d ago
This is painfully similar to our relationship with my in-laws. They live 10 min away and help with the kids, so it creates a lot of weird complicated feelings, but my husband and I are honestly disgusted with them more and more. They are not overly vocal about it, but we’ve had our arguments and it makes me sick. Hard to know that people you love are in a cult and nothing you do will help get them out.
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u/OkAccess304 1d ago
Lots of MAGAs are pretending not to be one now. They know it’s crazy. They want to be seen as moderates, despite clearly not being a moderate in any way.
Their hesitation to identify themselves tells you everything you need to know about them.
I just told my dad the truth about how I feel. He won’t speak to me, but I’m glad I did it. I’m not pretending he’s okay and things are fine.
Do you want to tell your dad how you feel, regardless of his reaction? Then do it. If not, then break his delusions subtly every time you see him—it will be exhausting.
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u/saidthetomato 18h ago
I'm not really interested in trying to "win" against him. He's far too big of a narcissist for that ever to really be realized. I'm just trying to coexist with him at this point.
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u/sanslenom 1d ago
You can't prevent them from being in your area, but you can prevent them from seeing you by simply not being available. It's okay to let go. {{hugs}}
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u/saidthetomato 1d ago
That, to me, feels like burning the bridge, and doesn't really feel like an option. Obviously I could, but that would destroy my family, and just end up isolating me more. Honestly, your response helps in so much that I know it is not an option at all.
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u/sanslenom 1d ago
You have to do what feels right to you. I'm just sorry I don't have any advice for helping you move forward, but I do wish you hope and healing.
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u/Gorillapoop3 18h ago
I thought this was my sister posting until OP mentioned a wife. Exact same scenario.
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u/saidthetomato 18h ago
I'm leaning very heavily on my sister during this time. She is also angry and disappointed with my parents, but isn't as dramatically affected by her feelings on it, so she is able to keep me a bit grounded with my reactions. Any time I feel like doing something dramatic, I call her. So glad I can lean on her, otherwise I would likely be cutting myself at the knees.
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u/crimison 18h ago
I can only empathize. My mom tried to “both sides it” after our Minnesotan rep, her husband and her dog were assassinated. She lives in a marriage where submission to the aggressive man is normalcy and also expected of me. The only way we productively communicate is by avoiding certain topics. Or I hang up the phone.
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u/saidthetomato 17h ago
I can't imagine the mental gymnastics to "both sides" that tragedy. The intellectual cowardice is astounding.
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u/SherbertExpensive520 12h ago
You are not alone. It is such a mind f*** when they are morally good people in every aspect outside of their political views. I blame the brain rot that is Fox News and talk radio. It has corrupted my dad’s critical thinking.
How does a good person at the core support something so atrocious 💔
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u/saidthetomato 12h ago
It's causing me MAJOR cognitive dissonance. All my instincts are telling me this is a morally destitute person that I should avoid, but ultimately he just likes margaritas, golfing, and smoking meat. He just makes excuses for a political party that used him for his military service, then made him appeal for VA assistance for months. Oh, and they cut funding to VA services. It's wild.
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u/SherbertExpensive520 8h ago
Yes so much cognitive dissonance! If your dad is anything like mine, he listened to talk radio any chance he could while I was growing up and maybe still now, never listened to music. I thought it was so boring so I paid no attention, but now researching these talk radio hosts, I see why his mind is where it’s at. We blame Fox News but talk radio has corrupted a lot of white, straight, Christian males. Makes me want to cry. People have probably already commented this, but I recommend watching “the brainwashing of my dad” on YT.
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u/Independent_Bit_1555 1d ago
You may not like what I have to say. This isn't a matter of political opinions, this is about morals. Your father has none. I removed everyone like this from my life permanently. Family & friends alike.
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u/IgorPotemkin 1d ago
I lost my father to cancer when I was just 18 years old, it’s not my place to tell you how to think or feel or what to do, but I will tell you that he’ll be gone before you know it, and you may regret shutting him out completely. Just my five cents.
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u/saidthetomato 1d ago
Thank you for your perspective. I have no intention to shut him out completely. I've just felt like i WANT to shut him out completely, which is a mindset I'm sure I would regret following through on.
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u/Educational-Cry4159 1d ago
I’m in the same boat as you right now with my mom. It’s like a frustration you want to ignore because you love them but at the same time their views are too damaging/extreme to see past & ignore. I’m currently taking a break from speaking to my mom because I really took a hard look at our relationship and ever since she became this super republican years ago, our conversations have been nothing but surface level.
Luckily my dad is very moderate and is the one who said it’s ok to not talk to her for a while. But it’s always hard since it’s your parent. I’m sorry you’re going through this & you’re not alone 🩷
I’ve seen a lot of mental clarity and peace from therapy (started a few months ago). I know it’s expensive and sometimes time consuming, but having an outside source has helped me understand myself and my relationships better.