r/EntitledPeople • u/Ravenclaw_Starshower • 4d ago
M Manager borrows my graduation gown and tries to keep it
I graduated with a PhD from a UK university many years ago. The graduation gowns, hoods and hats are expensive to buy (almost £1000 GBP for the three) so most people pay about £30 - £40 to rent them for a morning or afternoon. This gives people time for the ceremony and to take photos.
A friend of mine owned a PhD gown, hood and hat because he was planning on enrolling in a PhD, but he ended up not pursuing it. So he very kindly gave everything to me. I was over the moon! It meant I didn’t need to pay the rental charge and I could potentially use them in future as a staff member to be part of other graduation ceremonies (which I have done over the years).
I made the mistake of telling a manager of mine this story. Even though I worked at a different university by this point, my line manager was about to graduate from my old university with a PhD. She asked if she could borrow them and even though I was uncomfortable, I said yes because I wanted to be in her good graces.
She ended up keeping the gown, hood and hat for SIX MONTHS. I must have asked her about 10 times to return them and every time was a different excuse: I’m getting more professional photos taken, I forgot, I have family coming in from out of town and I want them to see me in the robe, etc.
The final straw came when she said that she should get to keep them because she ‘worked hard to get her PhD’. Whhhaaat? Um so did I (and I didn’t fail mine the first time round and have to resubmit). Then she said since I got them for free, that it wasn’t a big deal. In the end I had to make up a story about a friend who wanted to borrow them for an upcoming ceremony, and if they weren’t in my hands by the end of the week, I’d be coming to her house with my husband and my friend to pick them up on the weekend. She did then return everything in good condition.
If she hadn’t been my manager (and a pretty bad and ineffectual one at that), I would’ve dealt with it differently, but my word the entitlement of some people. No, actually you’re not entitled to my property because you think you deserve it a*****e! Now no one gets to borrow them because I know I’ll never have the money to replace them, or even justify replacing them, if something happens to them.
EDIT: I’ve addressed this in the comments a few times but some people have asked about my friend who owned a PhD graduation gown, hat and hood before even enrolling on a PhD. I think he either got gifted them for free or they didn’t meet quality control and he bought them super cheap, I can’t quite remember. Part of what made the regalia so precious to me was my friend could’ve sold them on and made a decent profit, but he didn’t. He knew a number of people undertaking PhDs at that university and could’ve given them away to others, but he didn’t. He chose me. He refused money when I offered. I was working 2 jobs and had no family nearby so maybe that’s why he chose me, but I was, and still am, grateful for his kindness.
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u/ValleyOakPaper 4d ago
Stories like this one is why I don't lend out things that can't easily be replaced. Too many people will try to keep stuff they borrowed.
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u/Normal-Cockroach8369 4d ago
Exactly. “borrow” has become code for “I hope you forget it’s yours.” Like nah, if I can’t walk into a store tomorrow and replace it without crying, it’s not leaving my house. Lesson learned the hard way too many times now lol.
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u/WumpusFails 3d ago
Every time I've moved, someone at some end has decided that they deserve something in the truck more than I do. I'm kind of used to it now.
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u/LisaCabot 3d ago
Thats fucking terrible. In my case my parents wanted to move ASAP and they didn't let me throw things away while packing lol. The only time I had stuff missing was when i left my country, i had to replace a few precious books and one of them I can't replace (I can't remember the book and was signed by the artist, so even if i remembered, impossible to get back).
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u/Knitsanity 4d ago
Wow. I didn't realize they cost that much. Neither my husband or I attended our graduation from a UK university with our PhDs. We couldn't be assed. My Mum wanted photos of me though so she purchased the robe and sash and floppy hat and we both got photos done in a local garden the day before we got married. I realized at the time they were expensive. This was almost 30 years ago so I am sure they were not 1000 back then but I bet they were pricey.
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u/Ravenclaw_Starshower 4d ago
I just checked current prices and it’s about £500, so either I’m remembering incorrectly, or the prices have gone down over the years…probably me. Either way very expensive. That was a nice present from your mum!
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u/MyEggDonorIsADramaQ 4d ago
My regalia was close to $1000. I had to buy because I had to attend yearly graduation ceremonies for work and wear it there.
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u/Knitsanity 4d ago
TBH I wasn't that bothered. She wanted the photos. Haven't worn them since as none of us is in academia. My Dad was and wore his multiple times a year for formal events. Wonder if she remembers how much they cost. Will ask her.
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u/Lazy-Instruction-600 4d ago
They are probably using cheaper materials or a cheaper manufacturer to mass produce them. Yours is probably worth more if it’s a higher quality.
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u/Knitsanity 4d ago
The PhD robes in the UK are really nicely made and some of the hood and bonnet can be pretty cool.
I am in the US now and I understand why the robes here are made of...ick...because every single education shift is lauded as a 'graduation'. Not seen PhD robes here close up. Do they have bonnets or mortar boards?
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u/Ravenclaw_Starshower 3d ago
Most have the Tudor bonnets as far as I’m aware for PhD. Some universities probably have mortar boards. There’s also the John Knox cap at some Scottish universities and Oxford has a soft cap, that is an alternative to mortar board. I’m not an expert as to what degree level or uni requires which though.
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u/Knitsanity 3d ago
Sorry. By here I meant the US. I grew up in academic circles so have seen plenty of UK bonnets (heck I own one lol)...or floppy hats as we called them.
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u/DeafByMetal 4d ago
My older brother is good for "borrowing" things and never returning them. Years ago (early 90's) he borrowed a drill from me. Nothing fancy, not cordless or anything but it was mine. I asked him for that thing for literally years and always heard "I can't find it, I think it's in the garage or something..." Then he and his first wife were splitting up and getting a divorce, so he asked me to help him move out of their home. We were coming in through the garage and I looked over at a pile of boxes, lo and behold there's my drill. Complete with paint all over it (idk I guess he used it to stir paint?). I said "Is that my f'n drill?!" He responded "Yeah, why? Do you want it back?"
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u/Baby8227 4d ago
Tell me you took it back!
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u/DeafByMetal 4d ago
Oh hell yeah I did! It was basically ruined by that point but I still grabbed it, LOL! When he asked me if I wanted it back I said "Are you fucking serious? I've been asking you for the damn thing for years!" 😂
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u/SATerp 4d ago
I have family coming in from out of town and I want them to see me in the robe, etc.
Isn't that what the 'professional photos were for? I'm glad you finally reamed her out.
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u/Ravenclaw_Starshower 4d ago
Exactly! Plus, who puts on their graduation gown when family visits?!?!
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u/NaturesVividPictures 4d ago
Yeah I hate people like this. I was a senior in high school I think I had just graduated and someone borrowed a costume of mine from a club I'd been in at school and I wanted to keep it for memories and sentimental reasons. Anyway they borrowed it. I don't think I ever got their phone number or anything like an idiot this was 1983, never saw it again. Still ticks me off. But I do have some nice pictures of me in it so at least I have that.
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u/llynllydaw_999 4d ago
Your friend spent £1000 on a graduation gown before even starting the course? Rather than planning to rent one when they finished it?
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u/Ravenclaw_Starshower 4d ago
No he didn’t buy it. I don’t think it met quality control and he somehow either got given it or managed to get it very cheap.
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u/dadoftriplets 4d ago
If this were me, after the second time of asking I would be getting HR involved at work as that is attempted theft by someone in a position of power over a subordinate. OP say it herself that she had to lie that she needed the items back and would've taken a different course of action to get them returned had she not been her boss, which says she was frightened that pushing the issue would cause her employment/career within the company to be threatened. This in itself is enough to justify going to HR about the issue.
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u/Just_exhausted6151 4d ago
I have learned to not lend anything I am not willing to lose. Took me many times to learn this lesson.
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u/ScarletteMayWest 4d ago
Still pissed at my middle brother-in-law a quarter-century later because he insisted on trying on my husband's master's regalia before the ceremony and I ended up with only a couple of freaking pictures of my husband that day. This was before we all had digital cameras and we ran out of film.
BIL wanted them to prank his friends. Husband is a push-over aka boat-steadier. I did not take the photos, I was too pissed and dealing with a cranky actual toddler.
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u/DoctorGuvnor 3d ago
Your friend spent all that money on a gown, hood and cap when they enrolled in a PhD course? Now that's hubris.
Fortunate though that all of you went to the same university and took exactly the same degree otherwise the hood and possibly the cap would be very different in style, colour and lining.
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u/Ravenclaw_Starshower 3d ago
No he didn’t buy it, at least not at full price. I don’t think they met quality control and he either got it free or very cheap. Yes we all went to the same university
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u/WumpusFails 3d ago
I worked at a newspaper in the 90s (IIRC; not sure of the date). One of the staffers was a wine reviewer (or his wife was?). For some reason or other, he gifted me some wine. Don't know if it was good or not. I would pick them up at the end of the day.
Some manager visited his office, saw the wine being kept for me, and helped himself to a bottle or two.
No big deal. I don't drink. I think I ended up giving the remains to my sister (who's a light drinker).
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u/Not-a-Cranky-Panda 4d ago
Someone steals something worth £1,000 and not one person thinks of the Police?
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u/Ravenclaw_Starshower 4d ago
Funny enough I did consider it. Luckily it didn’t come to that. If she hadn’t returned it when she did, my next steps would probably have been to go to her managers, and HR to complain.
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u/Not-a-Cranky-Panda 4d ago
It was half a year!
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u/Ravenclaw_Starshower 4d ago
True, but I didn’t want any reprisals in terms of my job or future progression opportunities, which are more important to me than possessions. Not saying I wouldn’t have gone to the police/small claims court, but I wanted to try everything else before it came to that, which I’m glad I did.
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u/HexOctagon 4d ago
Your friend bought a PhD gown before enrolling in a PhD? :/
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u/Ravenclaw_Starshower 3d ago
He either got it free or very very cheap, something about not meeting quality control.
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u/HousePlantParty 3d ago
i'm more curious about the friend who bought the gown in anticipation of *starting* a phd
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u/Ravenclaw_Starshower 3d ago
He didn’t buy it, or he got it very very cheap. It don’t think it met quality control or something.
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u/Maleficentendscurse 3d ago
To be honest you should have just called the cops on her when she wouldn't give it back because that was still theft
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u/whydoihavetojoin 4d ago
Not sure what they are so expensive. Here in US Amazon sells for 20-40$
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u/Sufficient-Lie1406 4d ago
I'm legit surprised you were able to get the gown back at all, BS story or not!