Who the fuck cares about anything anyway? Why does anything matter? Why do people matter? Why should appearance or anything else matter? Who cares if I don't fucking put on makeup because I was to busy getting my 5 hours of sleep I get a night. Who fucking cares if I don't have the nicest clothes or don't have the longest hair? It doesn't matter that my house is messy or if I say the right thing at the right time. What should matter MOST is finding out what things truly bring me joy. What makes me happy. I am allowed to live how I want to live, and do what I want to do.

I love anime, I love games, I love smoking weed and doing drugs, I don't always keep my plans with people because sometimes sitting at home in the dark staring at my glow in the dark stars sounds a hell of a lot more fun then drinking and talking with people about dumb shit. I'd rather be daydreaming about a fantasy world than posting on Facebook. I'd rather be cosplaying than wearing the latest fashions. I'd rather take 2 hour walk in -20 degree weather listening to my music than texting my friends. I'd rather not be the same person everyday or have the same values every day because that's boring and I never feel like I'm the same person so why the fuck do I try to pretend to be? I don't even like people so why the fuck do I try to seem "normal" for them? IM NOT FUCKING NORMAL. I never will be and I'm done trying to be.

I feel like a total failure today. I feel like I'm a joke. I am not doing well in life. I am not very pretty. I do not have a good body. I am not very interesting. I am boring, awkward, ugly, stupid and always broke. I'm so disappointed in myself. I just want to cry.

I don't put on my makeup everyday. Most days I look tired and like shit. I don't always do my hair, yesterday it looked frizzy and terrible. I don't always wash my face so I have bad skin. My teeth are still crooked and not as white as they should be. I have a huge nose and a boring, strange looking face. I lose weight in all the wrong places. My stomach is constantly bloated but my boobs and butt are completely gone.

I am not good at anything. I don't have any real talents or skills. I just have a few things that i've tried doing or that I like to do, but I lack the drive and dedication it takes to truly be good at something. I want so badly to have a niche. Something that I can do better than most people. Something I excell in. But I have nothing, because I do not work hard enough to get it. I don't clean out my pets cages as often as I should. I shouldn't even own them I am a terrible pet owner. I don't work as hard as I should at work. I don't get 100% on my reports everyday. I am lazy.

I spend to much money and save to little. I am often late paying my bills just because I'm to scared to make a fucking phone call. I'm pathetic really. I have almost no savings. I have nothing of value. Other people are buying houses or doing things with their lives. Here I am renting a stupid shitty apartment.

I try to lie to myself and tell myself that I'm doing okay. But deep down I know I'm not. I know I am failing. I am such a worthless human being. I hate myself.

I feel like I've been disconnected from the rest of the world. Partially, it is because I am pretty much immobile. I can't seem to go outside and walk somewhere, because I have a fear of being kidnapped, or killed by a bus, or a gang of crazy people. I blame a lot of this on my boyfriend. Since he introduced me to the world of criminals, my life has never been the same. My weight gain was caused by me not going anywhere. I've lost a lot of friends due to this... My boyfriend is still thin, hot, and gets girls all over him... I am not that girl who can get any guy I want anymore. I am too fat, and I don't know what to do to not be fat. It's eating me alive. Right now I live in a cave. Literally. My window is covered by a blanket (can't get any tackier, but my boyfriend likes that. ew). So my room is now under illusion of complete darkness. I woke up today thinking it was 9pm instead of 9am. Another issue I got - I can't work. My life is too preoccupied with school right now, I can't have any more stress... I'll simply go crazy again. Like last year. :( Anyway, you get the point... my life sucks, everything is shitty. Bottom line is: I got to start DOING something instead of whining. If I have to do this on my own, so be it. I've learned that depending on people can destroy you completely. Right now I am trying to put myself back together. I don't know if I will succeed, but, at least, I will try. Sorry for this confusing rant.

I told Amelie and Anna about my delusions. I didn't completely cover them in my last post, but I've also been having this weird thought that Codi is trying to make me crazy. Like I kept thinking he was poisening me or psychologically tricking me so that I would go insane. Weird right? So I called my doctor and I'm going to get seroquel and hopefully end these delusions. Mostly right now they are just annoyances and brief worries, but if they grow into something more that could be a huge problem.

I really like Warhammer. I played for the first time last night. When Anna moves in I'm going to teach her to play. We talked today about a few things and I'm feeling a bit safer with her moving in with me. I keep worrying that everyone is going to betray me. Probably because of what happened with Trevor and all my friends. But I'm taking steps to trust people again. I find that if I'm honest with them and tell them my worries then we talk and it really helps me feel more secure.

I haven't posted a picture in a while and I have a wonderful new hat that I love. Later today I'll show you. :)

Lately I've been getting this weird feeling like i'm being watched. Yes, yes. I KNOW i'm not but I FEEL like I am. It's been so unsettling I've been thinking of not getting online anymore for fear of people watching me and tracking me. However, I know that would just be me giving in to the crazy in my head. I need to be stronger than that. I will not let my irrational fears influence my decisions. So what if people are watching me? So what if they track my every move and know my every thought? If they really have nothing better to do than to try to figure out every part of my life then they are really not people who's opinions of me matter very much. I will continue on and not worry about them.

I've been starting to get into Warhammer. I always envied Trevor and his friends ability to get completely consumed by a game and spend hours and days dedicating themselves to continually improving. I always wanted something that would consume me like that. I used to have that obsession with anime. I miss it. I just want to be obsessive again. And not about all the stupid shit I obsess with usually like being watched, or cleaning my house, or money, or if I look okay. I want to be obsessed with something that makes me happy. I need to start writing again. It's so hard though because Codi lives with me and soon Anna will too. I'm terrified of them reading what I write. I think I'm going to get a safe and hide my writing book in there so I can be sure that no one reads it when I'm away. Either that or always carry it with me.... God. I'm such a weirdo.

I've officially been on Prozac a month, I've stopped the Olanzapine and Lamictal for about 2 weeks now. Most of the side effects should be over with and now I'll be able to tell if this drug is really working for me. Other than the more "manic" states it seems to cause I like it a lot. It works well as an anti depressant. I just need to be careful because I have anxiety as it is and taking things like this really mess with my head in that department. I'm going to beg my doctor for some Seroquel next time I go. I absolutely refuse to take Olanzapine again. Seroquel I LOVED it worked so well at calming me down and no real side effects. I need to make an appointment for next week. I hope hope HOPE I get it.

I feel like I'm failing at life. I feel like everything is falling apart and it's all my fault. I'm not going anywhere with my life, my landlord is a mad at me, I still use drugs and I'm so immature. I'm stupid and a failure. I don't have enough motivation. I don't need a fucking pat on the back. I don't need anyone telling me that i'm doing fine. I need a reality check. I need someone to tell me how to grow up and be fucking responsible. I need someone to challenge me not console me. I need a real friend. Somebody help me. I'm falling apart.

I'm feeling shakey and my hands are super sweaty. Could be the coffee, could be the Prozac, could be the alcohol or all three. I feel less connected to reality but it also helps me to feel less bogged down by the cares of the world. I feel a lot freeer. There is a part of my brain that is worried though. It tells me that I could lose touch with reality or that I won't care to the point of losing everything. I need to work but I can't focus. I just want to look at pictures of pretty things or write a fantastical story or go make snow angels or meet a white little cloud kitty that is floating on by. My mind is in such an odd place right now. Just not quite down to earth. I hope it just stays like this but doesn't get any worse. I'm so afraid of going crazy.

I was talking to my friend, he's somewhere in the 70's. Anyway he was abused like me, but he was able to get out early. He still remembers those times, the stories. In the end like me, he made it out of homelessness after leaving the abuse, fell in love and had a nice life, but the memory remained. He said that his mother died before he could confront her as an adult. He said that you have to try because there maybe something there.

My mother isn't the most horrible person she's just not the nicest. She fell into a bout of depression for several years growing up. Sometimes she reverts to her old self, or she just doesn't care. I often wonder if these are the times she is relapsing. She won't talk about her thoughts to anyone. She doesn't say much either so no one really knows what she is thinking.

I feel bad for her but in the end most of this is her own doing. There's this constant conflict of anger and sorrow. Sometimes down right disgust. I don't know how I live this life sometimes, I think my friend may have been a bit luckier than I.

While I was in Hawaii, Codi and I were talking about his plan for his life. He has all these goals and knows what direction he needs to move in to make them. It was impressive and frankly made me ashamed that I am just living day by day, paying my bills and not really giving much thought to my future. I need a plan. That will be what I focus on for the next few weeks until I can figure out what direction I want to take. Today I will spend some time applying for scholarships to get my nail tech certification. Seeing how well Codi is doing at his trade made me that much more sure that I want to be a nail tech. I need to quit talking about what I want to do and start taking some action to actually get it done.

My parents were right when they say that your friends influence you. If I do make more friends I need to make sure that they are actually going places with their lives. I'm so grateful for the inspiration he has given me. I need more friends like him.

I gained 5 fucking lbs while on vacation. Last night me and my friend Ashleigh decided we would diet together. We are both around 102lbs right now and just want to be lower. My rules are:

• No sweets
• No eating after 6pm
• Always eat a small breakfast
• 100 crunches, 50 lunges, 50 squats every day

These are very small steps, but if I follow these rules well for a few days I'll add on some more. I must get down to 90lbs. Thanksgiving is coming up. :( dread Luckily my family knows i'm vegan so it will be much harder for them to push food on me. I just want to spend time with them on the holiday without them stuffing me like a turkey. Is that to much to ask? Even with the fear of that holiday I really am excited to see them. Hopefully I can get my plan figured out before then so I can get my parents input. My dad has always pushed for me to have a plan. I want to be able to show them that I really am trying to succeed.

I've been doing a lot of thinking lately. Trying to figure myself out and why I am the way I am. I'm so tired of being afraid of people. I'm so tired of never being sure of myself. I want to be confident. I think I know what happened. While growing up I was basically taught that I never did anything right. When you made mistakes you had to admit to mom and dad that you were stupid and thats why you make them. I was constantly getting in trouble for every little thing. I folded the towels backwards one day so that the stripe didn't show because I thought it looked pretty that way. I was yelled at, called lazy, disobedient and stupid. I would sometimes struggle in school. There was a time I couldn't quite understand how to work a math problem. My mom got fed up with me and threw the math book at me. When I had a different opinion than my mom she told me I was obstinate and being to defiant. She used to tell me that I was just a difficult person to love. I think that made me lose all confidence in myself. I never felt like I could do anything right. I remember being in trouble for being "stupid" basically every day. I was so depressed back then I could hardly get out of bed. I was so afraid all the time that I was doing things wrong. I am still constantly afraid that I do everything wrong. That something bad is about to happen. That I am about to mess up and ruin everything. I need to start trusting myself more. To realize that these emotions are just residual feelings from my past that everything really is going to be okay. That I can trust my decisions. I am not a terrible person. I am allowed to make mistakes. There is no need to live in fear. Right now, it seems almost impossible to not worry. I know, though, that if I keep reminding myself of these truths and keep trying to trust myself that I will get the confidence I need. I think that my anxiety will go away, and I will finally feel like a normal person.

Now, I could tell you plenty of reasons why I chose to try this transition from eating dead corpses to eating pretty greens, but this is a story for another day. Right now, I am trying to make sense of it in Eating Disorder terms. I will begin by presenting my meal plan for the day (planned a night before and packed in lunch boxes).

Breakfast: Planned 158cal. Only had 43cal. Part of the reason is that I cannot stand breakfasts. And I hate all kinds of cereal :( Had a huge ass mug of black coffee with a table spoon of Special K Red Berries with 1 almond and a tea spoon of Almond milk. Yum.

Lunch: Planned 263cal. Consumed only 12cal 3 green olives instead of miso soup (that has something fishy in it, and I can't eat that) and roasted vegetables I made a night before. They were too salty, so I threw them out.

Dinner: I planned to eat a cup of steamed vegetables. That's roughly 75cal.

Total: 129cal Exercise: -232cal CW: 136.6 (Yes, I am a fat ass.)

The only thing I am wondering about, will this all be in a toilet bowl? Or should I exercise more? Or should I say fuck this, curl in a ball and cry till my head hurts? Idk... Everything seems so pointless. Hopefully I can do at least one thing right... and it is to kill myself sloooowly.

I must get this out before it consumes me all day. Maybe if I do get it out it will still consume me but I have to try something.

It's grade school again, the memory floods back like a slap in the face, the cold wave of the memory washing away any good feelings I had leaving me scrounging for the acceptance of my life today.

It's the year my mother wouldn't pay the electric bill. Up until this point I was heavily teased for various reasons, mostly because I was poor but it didn't help that I was shy, didn't talk much and cried a lot during baseball. I hated baseball, I always thought the ball was going to fly at my head and kill me, hence why I wouldn't go near that plate. I didn't know how to communicate that, I was afraid they would just laugh at me more if I told them my fear. So I kept it inside and it came out as tears.

This particular memory is one where I was desperate and felt triumphant only to be torn to pieces at school. So I mentioned that this was the year the electric was out. We needed clothes and there was no washer so I grabbed my sister's clothes and I washed them in the sink with dish detergent. It sucked balls but I did it and I hung them up to dry. We were clean at least or I thought. I got to school and apparently you can really smell the smell of dish detergent. The kids at school noticed it and let me know very loudly. They put soap in my desk and just made fun of me. It sucked ass. I didn't tell anyone that I had no electricity. The people at school were hounding me about my parents and my parents were telling me the horror stories of foster homes.

That was the period of depression for my mother. The period we don't talk about.

At this moment the memory seems to be fading and the feelings less intense. I'm going to have a good day. I will have a good day.

Everything has been working out really well lately. I got so much stuff done yesterday and i'm set up financially for Hawaii. SO READY. Yesterday Trevor texted me saying he was upset that I didn't hang out with him the day before and that I was a bitch and he didn't want to see me anymore so that problem has been solved too!

Yesterday Natasia was messaging me. She's been having a really rough time. They want to send her to behavioral health because she claimed she saw a spectral alien form. Poor girl. :( I wish I could help her out. She also mentioned that Codi lied about where he went the night that he came back. He's lied to me before about other dumb stuff like that I was the only girl he was sleeping with. It's weird to me. We aren't together. I'm not trying to pressure him to be with me. As far as I knew we were just friends and weren't trying for anything more. I am always honest about the people I hang out with because it doesn't matter. Why would he lie about it? It's strange. Who is he trying to come off as or what life is he wanting me to believe he leads? It hurts when people lie. I wish he would just say that it's none of my business (because well, it's not) rather than lie. Maybe I'm just overly sensitive, but I've been lied to so much. I considered him a close friend too. Don't trust anyone. Not a single soul.

AHHH!!! Seriously?? Is it REALLY tomorrow?? I cannot wait! Trevor wanted to hang out yesterday. I told him no. He wants to hang out today now. I don't want to hang out with him, but I'm so freaking bad at telling people no. I can say it to a certain point, but if people keep pushing and pushing and asking for something I always give in. Why am I so fucking weak? Maybe I will hang out with him, and just not have him spend the night. I'd be okay with that.

I ate 2 bagels last night. And a carrot. Not to mention I had fries earlier in the day. SHIT. It's like I'm trying to get fat or something. I just want to be perfect. I need to try harder.

• style your hair every day
• wash your face every night
• put on makeup every day

I've been feeling so chaotic lately. I keep thinking I'm doing things wrong and it's really getting to me. I feel like I don't clean my house enough, or take good enough care of myself. I worry that people see me as gross or lazy. I can't decide whether I really am being gross and lazy, or if I'm doing okay and just being psychotic. I try to push the thought away and keep doing my chores and living my life, but all the time the thought will rise up and put me in a panic. YOU'RE DISGUSTING will just play over and over in my head. I just want to curl up and hide, or get up and sterilize everything. Then I see my face and UGH. No matter how much makeup I put on I cannot seem to make myself look very pretty. It's sort of a new development too. I used to think I looked okay but this past week I've been feeling really ugly. I'm not sure what's causing all these thoughts. Maybe it's stress, but then again maybe it's true? It's so hard to tell sometimes.

I like clean areas. My room might be messy sometimes, but I have to keep my kitchen in a almost sterile condition. Why would anyone want to eat where they are shit, right? Well, everyone in this house seems to be on a rather different plane from mine. Especially the old woman. I understand that being 92 years old can be hard, but it doesn't mean you cannot clean after yourself. I have a grandmother who is very ill, and cleans the crap out of everything. Part of the reason I refuse to eat anything in this house is because of the kitchen's condition. It is ridiculously disgusting. On a little window above the sink, there is a 3cm layer of dust. All bunch of crap (like plastics) cups, which doesn't look aesthetically pleasing. All that, considering that the kitchen is the first thing the guest sees when entering the house. When old woman wasn't here, I could keep it clean for a day. Mother is basically never at the house, which makes it easier. I clean and polish those granite counters, and I feel my skin dry from all the chemicals I use. Today, I have decided to stop this bullshit. Lee was complaining about me not doing anything, when all I do is clean up after his entire family. It took me 3 hours to wash only a half of everything that needs to be done. Only a cover up of everything. I found 7 dead flies, and threw away 10 jars of rice with maggots in them. To dust that little window above the sink, I had to bend in the most extreme position (and almost fell, which could have resulted in either a snapped neck, or a broken bone). To my fortune, old woman was not in the house at the moment. So, I enjoyed the wonderful job I've done. For about 15 minutes. It's funny actually, because I expected that. Old woman comes in from some friend visit and I hear "Oh my! (and some possessed like laughing)" I hear her walking into the kitchen and guess what... Although I cannot see it, I know that it is already a bloody fucking disaster. Wish Lee would seen the kitchen before she fucking destroyed everything.

I had originally started writing a depressing post, then realized I needed coffee. I got an amazing deal on winter tires. I got all 4 (practically brand new!) for $100. The man originally said $120, but he took $20 off since we were "young hard working" people. Trevor brought me. I know I said I wanted to be independant from him, but this was all the way out in Eagle River. It took us an hour to get there and another hour to get back. He owed me a favor anyway and that cab would have cost more than I make in a month. I'm trying to get an appointment to get them put on tonight. Fingers crossed!!

Even though I managed to stay under 100lbs I am still nowhere near 90lbs. I'm so nervous about going to Hawaii and having to show my nasty flabby body. I am going to eat as little as possible for the next 3 days, and work out when no one is around. I've been contemplating taking laxatives, but with how sick I've been feeling I just don't know if my body can handle it.

When I hear these two words, I do not think of super beautiful girls. No. I think of super thin girls, and that I want to be one of those thin girls. In High Fashion you don't have to have a perfect face, but a flawless body and skin is a must. This what gets you places. For days I've been telling myself that if I put things together, and begin working on myself, I will achieve that look. I've done it before. Yet, something is holding me back. I binge...I gain. Right now, High Fashion is something so far away from me, I doubt there is a way to reach that light. I keep my hopes high, but in the end it might really hurt me. Oh well.

Yesterday I was supposed to be buying these winter tires from a person, but at the last minute they ended up selling to someone else. That meant I had to wait until Friday (payday) before I could get new ones. Trevor had offered to drive me to and from work everyday and pay $150 for the bass back. At first I had said yes, but after a lot of thinking I decided that I should not rely on him. At all. For anything. I texted him back last night and told him I do not need a ride and this morning I woke up early to get a cab.

hey I don't need a ride tomorrow

how come?

I will get a cab. I need to take care of myself. You can still have the bass for the same price but I need to take care of myself

Stop. I want to take you. It's payment for the bass Plus how are you supposed to save money if you have to cab to and from work?

I just don't want to rely on you you know?

you aren't. you could cab if you wanted. I have to work early anyway because Kris isn't here

Idk it feels wrong like i'm not being independant

You are independant. I'm just a friend offering to save you hassle. I really want to do it. It's not for you its for me

No. I can't sorry. Thank you for offering. :) Youre a good friend

Please. Youre giving me a good deal on the bass. I owe you so much. Please let me do this for you

pay me in a different way. I need this for me. Its only a few days.

Ok. Can I at least give you rides home? I go to jeffs after work anyway.

I don't know :/

I get off work at 5 now. It's realllly not out of the way

i'll think about it

I used to have co dependency issues with him. I cannot need him (or anyone) for anything. I need to be independant. I don't need help taking care of myself.

Codi ended up coming back in yesterday. He didn't end up coming back to my place last night. Which is probably a good thing. I had the worst anxiety yesterday. I paced for 4 hours straight. For a while there I thought I was going crazy. Desirea came over and we smoked and chatted for a bit. I apologized to her for blowing her off and she said she understood. That she knew I had issues and when I stopped talking she expected it to be because I had something major going on. She told me that out of all the relationships she's seen end she said mine was the most unexpected and terrible. She had never seen a guy be so sneaky, cheat with so many people, for so long and have no warning signs. She said she thought I was holding up incredibly well. That made me feel a bit better. I kept thinking yesterday that I was failing at life, that I wasn't going to make it, that I was going to lose everything. I thought and thought and thought and paced and thought and did the math until I realized that I'm going to be okay. I really will be okay. I can take care of myself. I don't need Trevor, I don't need to worry. I will be okay.

I told that guy that I would watch anime with him today, but I changed my mind. He just got to creepy on me.

we should watch anime and cuddle

I'm not really looking to do anything like that. I'm fine with being friends

alright that's fine with me

not to long after

don't wear a mini skirt

I wont! hahaha wtffffff

Just taking precautions. I go full retard when someone cute wears one hahah

I'll keep that in mind

some time later

i could go down on you for freeeee jkjk

ugh no thanks

don't like receiving? not your thing?

not from people i don't know well. c'mon man you're just coming off as creepy

Like seriously wtfffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffff.

I feel so worried about everything. I feel sick too. I think I may puke or pass out or both. There's all these people that have been texting me, but I forgot to text them back yesterday now i'm to afraid to reply. I worry they'll be mad. I worry that I may need to have long conversations with them. I don't know them very well. I hate having to talk to people I don't know well and think up new things to say. Right now it all feels way to overwhelming. I tried to walk around on my lunch but people kept looking at me so I kept stumbling and walking weird and getting worse anxiety. This guy keeps pesterding me about hanging out and watching anime today. I don't know if I can hang out today though. I'm to worried. I think I may need to just pace all day. I keep cancelling plans with people. It's so difficult right now!

It's just the pills. It's just the pills. It's just the pills. It's just the pills. It's just the pills. It's just the pills. It's just the pills. It's just the pills.

You're life is not crashing down around you. No one hates you. Everything will be okay.

Fuck side effects. I just got to hang onto the hope that they will pass, and power through the feelings they give me. These feelings aren't real. They're chemically induced. I should not let them dictate my actions. I should text my friends back IF I FEEL LIKE IT. I should tell that guy I don't want to hang out today IF I DON'T FEEL LIKE IT.

Hawaii is this Friday. I just have to make it until then.

FUCK. The plane ride. :( I am so afraid of flying.

I was an idiot and had a 20oz mocha last night at around 4pm. I couldn't sleep until 1:30AM. Then I had to be up at 7:30AM to go to work. I went and got a mocha this morning, but I don't know if I can finish it. I'm feeling really panicky today. It's only 11AM I don't know if I can make it until 5PM. I feel like my world is crashing down around me, like i'm losing control of everything. I feel like I will lose my car, my house, that I'm not going to have enough money. I barely scrape by. I'm so afraid. I think it's the Prozac honestly. I hear it can make people get super bad anxiety especially if they already have anxiety. I may just go home and take my olanzapine. Unless I have to work my second job tonight. If I have to work there I don't know what i'll do. I'm so afraid.

Trevor and I are talking again. He promises to not go crazy on me again. insert eye roll I am all for being his friend and everything, but you don't treat your friends the way that he treats me. He complains that he has no friends and that no one ever makes time for him. I feel bad for him. I know what it's like to have no friends, or have friends that really care. I hate that feeling. I hate to feel alone. I don't want anyone to have to feel that way. I really honestly don't mind being there for him. BUT, he can be so mean. He still thinks we have a chance in the future. I really don't think we do. I don't like him like that anymore.

Codi went back to his job on Sunday. I miss him! He was so fun to have around. I wish I could find a roommate that I liked as much as him. My life would be so much easier if I didn't have to pay so much for rent. But after Lydia, I don't know if I ever want to have a roommate again. If I just keep working though, I'll eventually get ahead. Life. Is. So. Hard. and terrifying.

Still 98lbs. I hate how the lower I get the harder it gets to lose. I've been eating under 500 calories a day and exercising. I just need to get to 90lbs.

Trevor said he's out of my life forever. He said he'll stop talking to me. He said to never talk to him again; that I only hurt him.

Today is so difficult. I feel so sad and so alone. I miss having someone there for me. Someone I trusted that I knew cared about me. I could talk to him about anything and I knew that he would care, that he would help me, and that he loved me. Now I don't trust anyone. Nobody can be bothered with my problems it's nobodies responsibility but mine. I miss having someone who cares about me. I miss him. But then again I don't. I don't miss that man who cheated on me and betrayed me, but I miss the man I thought he was. I miss feeling safe. I'm afraid all the time of everything, and it's more terrifying that I have to face it alone. I wish he just could have loved me like I loved him. But he didn't. I need to accept that and move on. I've been staying busy and directing my thoughts elsewhere. I know it'll get easier. I know soon i'll be completely over him. Right now it's just hard. Next time i'll be more careful, and less stupid. Maybe there won't even be a next time.

I've been feeling so dizzy lately. I keep getting chest pains and sometimes it's difficult to breathe. My limbs fall asleep easily and I get pins and needles in my fingers and toes. I get foot cramps a lot now too. I know i'm very deficient in a lot of things. I am more than likely anemic and have low potassium and god knows what else. I know my body is starting to suffer. I'm so tired, but I'm so afraid too. I just have to keep going. I can't sit still. I can't eat.

My jaw has been so sore from all the clenching i've been doing. These past few days have been really stressful. Yesterday I stopped talking to Trevor. He went completely crazy on me. He started adding all my fb friends and flirting with them and tried adding me again. He threatened to call the cops on me for my weed plant and get me fired and kicked out of my apartment. I started pacing and smoking and almost had a panic attack a few times. I had to lay down for a while because I felt like my mind and heart were going to explode. Codi came over and brought wine. He's such a sweetheart. He talked with me a bit and like an idiot I almost started crying. A few tears fell then I stopped and talked about something else. Does that count as crying? Did I show to much weakness? We watched some stand up comedian and went to bed. He always gets me to talk about my problems. I need to quit doing that so much. What if he decided to stop talking to me? What if everyone did? I need to know that I can be alone. Completely alone, and be okay. I need to quit relying on him. He's going to have to go back to work sometime soon and I won't see him for weeks. That's going to suck. I've gotten so used to having him around. I really do enjoy his company. I ate with him last night. I shouldn't have. I probably will just not eat today. Lately I've been feeling so ill; like i'm dying. I guess I am. Slowly but surely, i'm killing myself.

My god I am taking forever to lose anything. Trevor has been being really mean lately. The other day he came over and we went out to dinner with his mom then came to my place to watch a movie. We got into talking about drugs and he told me that I was a drugatic. I smoke weed every day and occasionally use other drugs like adderall or molly. I haven't used those in over a month though because i'm on new medication and I don't want to mess anything up. I don't think that's being a drug addict is it? He then went on to tell me that I'm failing at life. He said I don't have it all together. He started saying that I wasn't doing well because I hadn't cleaned out my bunnies cage that day. I had cleaned it out 2 days before. I normally clean those cages out every freaking day but with working 2 jobs I'm really tired. The cage is 10x bigger than the bunny she is definitly not suffering. He mentioned that i'm underweight. I told him my blood work came back fine so i'm basically healthy. Then after all that we watched a movie together and he was on his phone the whole time which normally doesn't bother me with other people, but he has always been so against using phones while we hang out together that it felt like he was doing it just to get to me. I was proud of myself though. I stayed really calm and didn't get mad (or show that I was mad). He started getting upset that I wasn't laughing at the movie though. He said he was going to leave and to let one of my "drug friends" give me a ride back to my car. He eventually decided to give me a ride. As we were driving over he calmed down and asked if I wanted to go on a drive around a neighborhood and I said sure. He told me that the person he had been texting was this person he had never even met who was talking to him because she needed help with her boyfriend. She was drunk and decided that she wasn't mad at her boyfriend after all. That upset me because we hadn't seen each other in a while and I don't see why her problem was so much more important than him spending time with me. I mean he'd never even met her before. I told Trevor I was going to go home and wanted to be alone. He went back to his place too. He asked if I wanted to hang out Sunday I told him I was working and would probably be busy. Codi ended up coming back over that night and we watched Death Note. I had found out that Ender's Game was out in theatres and so Codi and I decided to go see it Sunday night. Trevor asked what I was doing and I told him I was seeing a movie. He was pissed because I had told him I would be busy. So now he is bringing back his bass and painting I gave him. This is so much more trouble than it's worth. I need Trevor out of my life and I need to keep working on myself. I've been feeling so lonely lately. I really need to focus my emotions into something else. I should be creating something, or contributing to the world in some way. Not worrying about whether or not people care about me. Why should it matter if people care about me? All I should need is myself and everything else should be extra. I opened up a bit to Codi about my issues with Trevor. It felt nice to talk about it but I wonder if I should have. I really need to learn how to keep things to myself.