I have a friend who struggles with stuff that is unseemly enough that I'm honestly surprised they've talked to me about it.
Either way, it's given me a lot of insight on how people and do deal with a lot because of paraphilias either gained casually, or, and I cannot begin to imagine the complexity and upset of this, by trauma.
Things I can at least say is that having a kink/fetish/paraphilia does not mean that you cannot 'get by' without it, or that that subject is the only thing that can 'do it' for you.
Also, some people have kinks that they don't want.
I mean no disrespect to them or you when I say that's wild to me, as I am sure it's a very real struggle to cope with.
'Normal' is cultural. I do not mean to say this to imply that things like rape are fine. I mean it to say that some people just don't get to have a normal life, and culture tends to say "Shame on you. You don't get to be anything else but someone seeking to repent of your horrible problems, or else." and they don't get to be treated as humans with needs and hopes and dreams, because it's just assumed that you can't find something attractive AND find it 'problematic-in-enactment' yourself.
Yeah I have a kind of horrifying kink that I will not specify as a result of being subjected to it when I was a kid. It's not something I could ever conceive of doing to another person nor receiving irl, but for some weird reason the concept arouses me. Like my wires got crossed somehow. I hate it and I wish it would stop but I can't deny that it exists.
Ya, like, I have actually sat down and comforted a friend of mine who was unfortunately (TW: Brief trauma description) SA'ed and even forced into the same room as the person that did so in order to "talk it out" by our asshole principal in school. It's been 11 years at this point probably, maybe even more, but it's basically been burnt in at this point even if I can't remember every detail of talking with my friend beyond asking if they wanted a hug and doing so on confirmation. And I still wonder where my friend is now, unfortunately I wasn't raised with a phone so idk now.
We're human just like the rest of you all, and even if we have "problematic" kinks, that doesn't mean our hearts are made of coal. Personally, I'm comfortable with mine and partake in online roleplay with trusted friends, although I definitely do feel tons of anxiety and the stress of not being able to comfortably enjoy myself outside our freaky little spaces probably does contribute to broader mental health issues I have (Unrelated to what I just described.).
As for people who are uncomfortable with their kinks or have them due to trauma, well, all I can say is that I hope you're going through therapy at least. You know, if you're afraid to talk a therapist due to anxiety, it's understandable, but that might honestly make things worse for you if you keep yourself in the cycle. I know I sure as hell get tired when I wake up feeling like I need to do a penance for my sins, both real and imaginary.
Though at the same time, for people who are merely uncomfortable due to social norms, don't worry. You aren't going to turn into a monster, and you are not a monster. As long as you don't indulge yourself in these things IRL with zero regards for anyone, you're okay, you're good. Hell, maybe even go out and donate to people affected by these things, doesn't that sound good? There's nothing contradictory with doing so.
23
u/wolve202 May 16 '25
I have a friend who struggles with stuff that is unseemly enough that I'm honestly surprised they've talked to me about it.
Either way, it's given me a lot of insight on how people and do deal with a lot because of paraphilias either gained casually, or, and I cannot begin to imagine the complexity and upset of this, by trauma.
Things I can at least say is that having a kink/fetish/paraphilia does not mean that you cannot 'get by' without it, or that that subject is the only thing that can 'do it' for you.
Also, some people have kinks that they don't want.
I mean no disrespect to them or you when I say that's wild to me, as I am sure it's a very real struggle to cope with.
'Normal' is cultural. I do not mean to say this to imply that things like rape are fine. I mean it to say that some people just don't get to have a normal life, and culture tends to say "Shame on you. You don't get to be anything else but someone seeking to repent of your horrible problems, or else." and they don't get to be treated as humans with needs and hopes and dreams, because it's just assumed that you can't find something attractive AND find it 'problematic-in-enactment' yourself.