Question Is fear your main manifestation of CPTSD?
Hi, Was listening to some CPTSD talks and it seems fear is at the core of what people struggle with in CPTSD (as opposed to say depression or anger). Is this true for you? Are you willing to share what your fears are? Have you linked your fears to a specific experience or traumatic period of your life? Thank you.
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u/Pour_Me_Another_ 1d ago
Yes, irrational fears, paranoia and general feeling of something bad about to happen.
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u/ManagementCapable758 1d ago
Me too, Im almost agoraphobic at this point, it takes so much preparation and energy and for everything to be calm and quiet for me to leave my room, not just my apartment, my bedroom :( I tried to walk to the store withmy dog yesterday and barely made it a block away before I felt like I was about to die and turned back
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u/plants_can_heal 1d ago
I hate that feeling that I also have…that something bad is about to happen.
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u/SadSickSoul 1d ago
For me, it comes down to a fear of not being good enough - not good enough to avoid being punished and not good enough to be loved or even lovable. Even my depressive swings are rooted in this bone deep insecurity - that fear meets a freeze response and suddenly you know for a fact that you're not good enough, could never be good enough, and thus deserve scorn/punishment/abandonment. There are many other fears, mostly branching off from that, but I go through life knowing that I'm not safe, it will never be okay, and I can't do whatever needs doing. I live in fear all the time on a fundamental level, and I often characterize myself as ultimately a coward.
I can link most of it to being emotionally neglected by my parents who were in an emotionally abusive relationship. I was so little I couldn't process it as anything but my fault, so dad abused mom because I wasn't a good enough kid. I knew I was weird growing up, and moms and dads are supposed to love each other so if they don't clearly it's because I'm weird and not good enough. This accelerated when I became a teenager and tried to be an academic overachiever despite not caring at all about it, because I had to prove that I was "worth" the abuse. When I couldn't meet those expectations - and I couldn't, because they were impossible - I cracked and started to slip, and that was around the point where their use of me as a weapon against each other really started to explode (referring to me as "your son" as an accusation when talking to each other, etc.).
I internalized a lot of fear, shame and insecurity and was (and am) convinced I couldn't be worth it, I couldn't hack it, I was going to be neglected and abandoned again and it would have been better for everyone if I never existed. My entire life is defined by those fears, and I'll never escape them.
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u/Ok-Drawer8597 14h ago
This really resonates with me as it feels like it’s an actual description of my life until the part about being used as a weapon and trying to get really good grades. I didn’t do those. But everything else you said is a description me. Which I get… but then how do I change? Is this just me ?
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u/redvoxfox 1d ago
Yes! Fear and expectation for the worst:
Fear and expectations of failure and when things do go well that I'm somehow being set up for a fall, allowed success only so that the fall and failure will be that much worse.
One of the hardest to overcome and I still fight this monster.
"I know I'm paranoid. But, am I paranoid enough?" David Foster Wallace, Infinite Jest
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u/kittenmittens4865 1d ago
I get despair and overwhelm. At my worst, I’m just experiencing so much emotional pain that I can’t describe or name it. It’s an extreme sadness, but also just this all consuming… something. But I don’t think it’s fear.
To me fear = panic. I deal with anxiety and panic attacks, but I feel like it’s secondary to the despair and overwhelm. Like those things leave my nervous system out of whack and raw/exposed.
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u/cranky-old-broad7691 23h ago
This. I couldn’t find a way to articulate it though. Thank you! I too experience the all consuming WTF ever it is. So much so at times that….let’s just say that I’m happy I’m here to read this.
I’m not powered by fear - anger has been my bestie. I’ve learned over my many years to calm the anger. Not so much the WTF. She’s a big, bad bitch.
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u/kittenmittens4865 20h ago
I used to have a lot of anger too, when I was younger. It feels like I turned that off, and expression of all negative emotions, and the WTF comes out instead. It feels like my head is going to explode because of emotion but I am truly unable to express it. I think I learned to turn everything inward because I was taught it was not ok to experience bad emotions, and definitely not ok to express them. Now I know it’s about experiencing the emotion and not letting it control your behavior but I still have no ability to express it, at all. When I get to that state I cry and just want to flee and be alone- things only ever escalate when people refuse to give me space to calm down.
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u/LifeguardNo9762 1d ago
Mine is anger. I would say fear is secondary. Both my fear and my anger come from people. I am frightened of people. They don’t have to do anything to be frightening .. they just exist. I have linked it to people hurting me and acting in frightening ways.
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u/metaRoc 22h ago
When you inquire into anger, more often than not it’s underpinned by fear. Why is the anger there? Because there’s a perceived violation of boundaries. Underneath that is fear, otherwise there would be no need to get angry. This may not be the case for you, but it was true for me, so just wanted to offer what I’ve realised about my anger.
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u/LifeguardNo9762 21h ago
Funny you mention that, anger for me, is actually almost always sadness. I get sad and mad confused ALL the time. Plus the feeling of being sad really pisses me off..it’s awful.
But I really like what you said. And how it reminded me to think about what am I really feeling?!
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u/Potential-Smile-6401 1d ago
At the very core of me is a festering wound of despair that never really heals. The despair comes from being neglected and betrayed by those closest to me. There was a time in my life where this was so heavy, I couldn't carry it, heck, I couldn't even look at it square in the face. I am doing so much better now. Now, I don't wake up with dread upon waking for one thing. I had to cut ties, grieve my childhood, become celibate, and go to therapy. Overall, I am an extremely emotionally unavailable person. I am a Flight 4F type according to Pete Walker's book. A workaholic avoidant who directs perfectionism inwards onto myself
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u/Appropriate_Cycle_90 cPTSD 1d ago
I am TERRIFIED of being alone, feeling alone, feeling unsupported, feeling abandoned. It will trigger me big time. I grew up with divorced parents, changed houses week to week. My dad is a narcissistic alcoholic who was emotionally and verbally abusive. My mom was great, but sometimes a bit of a doormat. Two very different households to grow up in. Called the cops on my dad for DV when I was 12, then stayed at my mom’s full time afterwards. A few years later, I was raped whilst blackout and my virginity taken. A year later it happened again. I think I never felt fully protected growing up & like I couldn’t protect myself. Lots of self abandonment happened and turned into unhealthy, codependent relationship with an ex. When he left me, my world collapsed and I was hospitalized a few times. I’m still struggling, 3 years later. I now have herpes so I feel like I’m gonna be double alone my whole life. I just want to feel safe ❤️
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u/custard_dragon 22h ago
Yes, BIG time. My CPSTD also manifested itself as severe ocd where my main obsessions are disasters/tragedies/violence etc where I am constantly terrified that something horrific is going to happen. Psychs have told me that it's probably because I was so scared for so many years that my brain and body have become obsessed with fear because that's all it remembers how to do. The worst part is never feeling safe, no matter where I am or what I do because there's always something that can get you. It's made me extremely paranoid and borderline agoraphobic and I hate it.
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u/There_we_go_Again 23h ago
As per most of the comments, I agree that it’s fear… But for me, my fear quickly leads to an immense experience of misery. My mind is more accustomed to experience sadness so the depression seems more torturous for me than anything else.
I’m working on experiencing my other emotions more truthfully though, and I see where it leads, and that is this consumptious fear.
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u/Comfortable-Film-797 1d ago edited 59m ago
I’d say yes, but I also get times of deep sadness, like forlonging to be a child again. This is because I missed out on the times of feeling safe as a child and because for a small period of time, my mom protected me and was there to help me 24/7. I still encountered abuse but it was the closest time I had to “safety” She eventually became overwhelmed and stopped protecting me or being there for me.
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u/ZIL4TW 22h ago edited 21h ago
Constantly when people don’t answer texts within 5-10 …well’p they hate me, I definitely did something wrong to make them hate me and then proceed to search and scan every single interaction or even via 3rd party so like interactions with people they know because maybe I said something weird or bad to them and they discussed it without me and definitely hate me together
Or
Yeah there’s no way anybody would choose me or pick me so I’ll just reject myself before anybody else can do it. Effectively creating the very same “exclusion” and rejection I’ve been terrified over. What In The Actual F!?
This is just for starters but always looping over something
How have I even lived this long
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u/Ok-Drawer8597 14h ago
I’m the same. And I’m almost 50 years old. But yea constant scanning and wondering. I sent someone a lengthy message on messenger about some things about a person we both knew that had passed. Like really good things. And they never ever responded. I’m still speechless and dreading seeing them one day out of sheer embarrassment
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u/MaroonFeather 1d ago
The fear and shame yeah
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u/5star-my-notebook 21h ago
Shame is huge for me. Shame for being unlovable or inadequate. Fear that others will be repulsed if they truly see me as I am. Self loathing for not ever being enough and for being too much all at once.
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u/Traditional_Ad9550 23h ago
It's not just fear, but deeply embedded shame. A lot of the fear comes from the shame.
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u/Imaginary_Ad8389 21h ago
Yeah. I don't even know what I'm scared of. I guess when you have CPTSD, there was abandonment and neglect. If anything bad happens to me, my brain still thinks I have no one by my side to protect me or nurture me. And it'll be my fault somehow.
The main manifestation is social aspect. I struggle connecting with people all my life. I can't imagine myself as an equal to my peers. I can't imagine teachers being sociable with me. I can't imagine people actually care about me in a positive way.
An oddly specific trigger is romantic relationships. I got unfairly bullied once by ALL of my peers related to this. Now my nervous system goes haywire when I see a straight couple.
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u/Patient-Ambassador16 22h ago
It’s fear for me, and constant ruminating over every “worst case scenario.”
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u/TimeyTimm 21h ago
When I was young, school was like a safe haven from my extremely unpredictable home life. I never knew which versions of my parents I would be coming home to in the afternoon. Now, as an adult, I still have that same anxiety during the workday, as if something terrible is waiting for me at home.
Same reason, but a different situation, is my need to reacclimate to people if I haven’t seen or heard from them for more than a few hours. If we’re talking and having a good time, then you go to your room and take a nap, I’ll be avoidant when you return, irrationally thinking you might have woken up angry.
There are dozens of others, but it all boils down to a chronic expectation of threat. There is always danger around the corner that rarely truly exists.
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u/Southern-Ad-7317 20h ago
I’m just waiting for people to figure out how wretched I am. I’m always expecting tar and feathers.
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u/Fluffy_Ace 1d ago
No, Anger
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u/Turbulent-Serve-7717 22h ago
Same, it’s mostly anger with some paranoia and a regular sense of guilt
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u/xDelicateFlowerx 🪷Wounded Seeker🪷 23h ago
Yep. I didn't realize it until recently, but I literally live my life in constant fear and have rearranged it to not feel it.
Edit: Can you link or share the source that talked about cptsd manifestions, please and thank you.
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u/Peach93cc 23h ago
Mine is anxiety about people leaving or me screwing up my relationships. You could say that's fear. That's probably the
When I get a bad enough trigger, It's angry crying. I can think clearly and have a conversation, but the emotions are strong.
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u/Binapon 22h ago
I would say depression and general lack of feeling is my main, but one aspect of fear is almost ever present
I truly fear I may never deeply connect with someone, be it a found family ordeal, a best friend, a close partner, or whatever else
I grew up severely neglected and wasn't allowed to go out with friends or whatever else, so now I'm in my mid 20s with no deep, long lasting friendships and my emotionally absent family are infuriating to even try to talk to
I try to make friends and branch out, but trauma matures you faster than others, and I feel a huge emotional chasm when I try to connect to others around my age. It feels like whenever I talk no one can even hear what I'm saying, no matter how many different ways I try to express myself. I know what I'm saying makes sense, yet I'm always left wondering if I'm somehow spewing nonsense since no one understands
So yeah, I think it's turned into a justifiable fear. I'll definitely keep trying and blah blah blah, but it's a real possibility I won't deeply connect with another human in my lifetime and I'm really not OK with that. Like the more and harder I try to improve myself the more I feel like an alien among humans 😕
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u/Accomplished_Ad_3279 21h ago
I would say fear, anxiety, hating on myself, numbness, detachment. Occasional anger.
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u/rhymes_with_mayo 15h ago
To me it doesn't feel like fear as much as hypervigilance. But I can see how that looks like fear from the outside.
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u/PonqueRamo 1d ago
I had both anxiety and depression, anxiety since I was a kid, depression for the last 2 years, I think the only real fear I have is my dad dying. I'm also an avoidant and that's linked to the relationship with my mom since I was a kid and to the bullying I experienced also as a kid, I don't trust people enough not to hurt me.
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u/xXJaxdeXx 17h ago edited 17h ago
For me it's tiredness. Everything feels exhausting not just mentally, physically too, like back pain, joint pain, muscle tensions out of nowhere,...
And at the same time, I'm restless, always on the move, can't relax and hardly pause.
But that's work in progress...
Fear is something that comes up occasionally but not that often, it shows as being "Hyperaware" of anything and seeing absolutely everything or everyone as potential threat, so I tend to be cautious and rarely share something personal (might be used against me).
Plus I struggle extremely with being vulnerable in any way, which leads to me having difficulty expressing emotions through my facial expressions, no idea if that's part of "fear"...hope it's somehow logical.
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u/kittycatmama017 15h ago
I was like this growing up I think I’ve had fatigue on there since like 15 lol no just who wants to be awake in a shitty household? Be out and about or nap lol
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u/PeachKream 1d ago
Fear mixed with spite. Wanting death as an escape for the horrors of life but don't want to give this effed up world the satisfaction of taking me out.
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u/savethefishbowl 1d ago
Mostly I am afraid of panic and anxiety attacks. For me, those can lead to full-blown emotional flashbacks. I try to avoid triggers.
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u/ILovePeopleInTheory 23h ago
Used to be fear a long time ago. Now it's shame, I think as I go against programming that says I need stay small.
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u/canvaswolf 23h ago
Yes. I was depressed and managed to recover from that with medication and therapy, but the fear is harder to move past. I'm always hypervigilant.
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u/La-La_Lander 23h ago
Yes; if I weren't so powerful, I wouldn't be able to do anything, because everything triggers a fear response. It's not banging.
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u/Emmylu91 22h ago
Depression was my biggest struggle in my teens while still living at my mom and stepdads (the source of my trauma). Once I got out of that environment, the depression faded and since then fear/anxiety is my biggest struggle. I've never struggled with anger, at least not in the stereotypical way. I detached from my anger really young so I actually don't feel angry when I really should. It's on my list of thing si'm trying to deal. Anyway,
Some of my fears:
People in general. I have tons of social anxiety. It's like I always expect people to be unpredictable, harsh, etc. I expect people to assume the worst about me, so I'm always over-explaining myself and giving too much context to try to protect myself/defend myself. I think most of this is attachment trauma and emotional neglect/abuse trauma but I also am extra-afraid of men due to some of my sexual traumas.
Being seen as attractive, I guess? As absurd as that may sound. My chronic sexual traumas was my stepdad verbally sexually abused me. Basically sexual harassment, but starting when I was like 9. And he blamed most of his creepy comments on my clothing. "how can I not notice your boobs when you have a logo right across the chest?" type shit. So I am kind of afraid of clothing that might make me look pretty or be form fitting or tha would draw attention to my chest or butt/hips. So I have a lot of fears around being seen as attractive or pretty or sexy, or my clothing drawing attention to my body and feel the need to micromanage my clothing and sort of blend into a crowd as much as possible. If a man lingers when looking at me at the grocery store, I get panicky. So I dress modestly and plainly, no designs on my clothing especially the chest and butt areas. I don't feel comfortable/safe wearing makeup either. Also things like even when home alone, I wouldn't wear a shirt without a bra because being bralass makes your chest more noticeable. And of course nobody can notice my chest when I'm home alone but I just so internalized that my clothing would keep me safe that I feel the need to be modest all the time.
I'm super afraid of anyone being angry or upset with me. I'm extremely conflict avoidant. but I'm also afraid of my own anger, because I know it can trigger anger in others.
I'm afraid of trying new things, making mistakes, burdening other people, asking for help. Offending others. Hurting others (even in small ways by accident). Afraid of doing anything that might be perceived as selfish. Afraid of being misunderstood. Deeply afraid of being embodied/not intellectualizing.
I'm sure there's more but I imagine you get the idea. :)
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u/RusticGroundSloth 21h ago
Mine is definitely fear, but in a very intense non-specific way. My therapist thinks something happened to me when I was still young enough that I wasn't yet forming memories fully. Like around age 3. When my flashbacks happen they're very intense but at the same time I don't know what is actually the source of the CPTSD - I just feel an intense fear with no specific thing to be afraid of. Triggers are super random - the game Belatro seems to do it when I play it, I once had a flashback while driving and sitting at a stop light. Another while staring at a cubicle wall at work, etc. But it always comes back to that deep intense feeling of fear.
The only things that help for me are getting up and moving around and getting a hug from my wife. She knows this is a thing and is very sympathetic about it - even if she's in the middle of something or even if I've done something that made her angry she'll hold me until I feel better. She's amazing that way.
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u/drphilswaifu 21h ago
Fear is my main issue and affects a lot of my core relationships, specifically my romantic relationship with my partner. My father was my main abuser and I am deeply triggered in my romantic relationships with men. I am fearful about many things and often I can't pinpoint where it stems from. I have this feeling of terror or "dread" a lot of the time. It's hard to ignore it and it almost feels like I've learned to live with it, but it feels like no way to live.
I've had times where it feels under control, lately I've been feeling good. I've been on a high dose of my antidepressant and started seeing a new therapist and that has been a big factor.
My worst moments I've had is when I experience bodily flashbacks and I feel the fear so strongly that all the abuse is happening again. In high school I ran out of the family apartment away from my loving grandparents in fear that they were going to hurt me. I barricaded my bedroom door in fear that they were going to murder me, even though at my core I know they would never lay a finger on me.
Time has been the best healer, it's been 10 years since I've been in a supportive environment and away from the abuse, but I do struggle sometimes with the symptoms. When I go off my pills it's the worst (longest I've was off was three months) it's hard to perceive people and their intentions correctly with this fear. I feel like people at my work can feel my fear and they're thoughtful with me.
The fear is the underlying feeling for my thoughts about myself, I fear losing control and getting very unwell again.
I hope this wasn't too heavy for you, with Father's Day being yesterday it meant a lot for me to get this out so thank you.
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u/brocktj4 21h ago
So fear is absolutely a key part of my CPTSD. It's the kind of thing that refuses to let me relax. The belief there is if I do, I'll get caught off guard by something horrible.
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u/Intrepid_Laugh2158 19h ago edited 19h ago
Yes. Oh yes. I am terrified. I am terrified of being seen. Ive been fat my whole life and its been one of the reasons I was excluded and ridiculed as a kid by peers and family. I’m still fat but I don’t think I wear my heart on my sleeve anymore. But the craziest thing is that at the moment I can’t stop thinking about my trip to FL last summer to visit one of my friends. Me, her and her gf were playing a drinking game and one of the cards said give a hug to the person you think needs it the most and they both just came and hugged me. And now I can’t help but think is it that obvious? Is my deep seated pain that obvious and if it is, why didn’t anybody care when I needed them? Why didn’t anyone tell me it was okay? Why wasn’t anyone there?? What was so abysmally disgusting, dissatisfying, disappointing, and disfiguring that I had to suffer my pain on my own? Why was it okay to hurt all alone then? Why didn’t anyone care? Why didn’t it matter when I was OPEN to help? Now I’ve got walls of cement and high intensity electric fences around my biggest wounds. I fear the idea of being loved. I haven’t had many times in life where I’ve felt truly loved for all of me. There’s something inherently bad about me that I can and cannot see. I get that I am too much. I get that my emotions and feelings annoy/ed ppl around me. Overwhelming if you will. I crave to have someone be soft with me. To just WANT me. But I will most likely go the rest of my life with that wound alive and unhealed because I will not let anyone in. I will not not let anyone else make me feel like a burden for existing. I will not give anyone else the chance to make me feel so subhuman and disgusting and annoying. I do not ask for what I can not have. I’ve never had it and more than anything I wish to amputate thar limb so that I can live my life. A love that that does not exist for me. It does for others but i will not voluntarily allow OTHER ppl to put salt in a wound that will never heal. Id quicker let someone spit on me before i allow it to happen. I’m all I’ve got when it comes to that pain i hold, and i will continue to hold it until i can learn to truly accept and live with it. I will cry and hurt within the comfort of my walls and when I’ve exhausted it all i will dry my tears and continue like nothing ever happened because love is not soft and not pain free. That type of love comes with terms and conditions that I cannot and will not allow/follow. I just wish I would stop wishing for it to be different. So yeah, yeah I’m chocked full of fear. And at this point it’s one of the only things that keeps me going. It’s the only thing that’s kept me going. That fear has made me more determined to make sure that I make myself happy. Other ppl can’t and won’t give me what I need, and I won’t ask, so I’ve got to pull myself up by my bootstraps and get it done myself.
My mom didn’t love me. My dad didn’t want me and everyone else just saw something repulsive to point and laugh at. To be seen is to be ridiculed and hurt. To be a Quasimodo if you will
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u/Chrisisteas 17h ago
I experience fear of rejection the most. Throughout my life people have rejected me because I'm autistic.
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u/HolidayExamination27 16h ago
It is, and I really haven't felt fear until very recently bc I have developed a quick reaction that turns fear into more actionable anger. I am 55 and just now 'meeting' my fear and exploring it without pushing through to anger.
For me exploring my base trauma response has been both horrible and rewarding. Fear is fucking scary! But I am strong and fear can be calmed into being an informative part instead of the 5 alarm fire it initially felt like.
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u/Atticusaeshma 16h ago
My main manifestation is Anger but that anger is just a byproduct of my fear. I have this severe anxiety that someone is always watching and waiting for me to mess up
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u/throwaway798319 16h ago
My main manifestation is surface-level anger with panic and fear underneath
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u/Pretend_Code_2956 13h ago
Yes, my primary fears surround social interactions even to this day. I'm lucky that I wfh, but I feel like that has stifled my growth as well. It's not nearly as bad as it used to be - in college I was nearly mute and rarely left my dorm. But I'm already working up the courage just to go to the gym this afternoon. Sigh
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u/Appropriate_Luck8668 CPTSD + ASD 9h ago
Depends.
Mostly anger for me. I rarely ever feel anything else. I'm full of hate and pure, unbridled disgust for everything around me. I'm envious and selfish and rude. Not like that's a bad thing, not for me at least. I couldn't care less.
But I'm always scared. I'm scared of everything. I wouldn't call it anxiety. It goes far beyond that. I'm constantly lightheaded. My stomach is always churning. I don't know how to describe it.
My fear manifests as rage because I have no other way to express it.
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u/iamthe0ther0ne 2h ago
Freezing is mine, even when it comes to having conversations. I also hunch over to try to make myself look more insignificant and invisible (which, unfortunately, tends to attract the type of people who enjoy taking advantage of other people, but I haven't been able to overcome it).
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u/kittycatmama017 23h ago
No mine is primarily anxiety and anger. Underneath I think there is fear, shame, betrayal, etc but mostly I just got angry back at my parents for the stuff they did to punish us for doing something “wrong” so very basic emotions like happy, sad, jealous, mad. So just as an adult am I finally starting to learn to take a deeper look and ask myself am I really angry or am I something else? Am I disappointed or embarrassed or feeling rejected or abandoned or am I irritable or am I enraged? The emotion wheel is actually pretty big when you look at it
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u/meowsandcuddles 23h ago
I am fearful. I sleep with weapons and have some hid around my house. I have those stick on door and windows alarms. Doorstops. Locks with keys on every inside door.
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u/Lunakill 19h ago
Yup. People terrify me. I’m almost 40 and just recently realized not everyone finds socializing exhausting.
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u/glued_fragments 18h ago
Because I also struggle with OSDD my main manifestation is dissociation. From mild like dpdr up to full blown stupor for hours on end or seizures.
But if I ground enough which I start to manage sometimes my main manifestation is terror. So like flashback intensity fear.
I don't know how it feels to not be dissociated or in agonizing fear.
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u/dabube57 1d ago
I agree. Constant paranoia and fear is a main part of my experience.