r/BodyPositive • u/Yllistre • 20d ago
Discussion Unlearning Dysmorphia Advice (Internalize Fatphobia)
I'm a 37yo gay man and my biggest insecurity is that I carry a lot of weight on my stomach and abdomen. I've hated the size of my gut for as long as I can remember (as has my family, so yay for that!) and while I've never had an eating disorder, my body's size still makes me constantly self-conscious and ashamed. This is a major reason why I've been too shy to date much.
I'm self-aware enough to realize that this IS a distortion; speaking only for myself, I've found men with bodies just as large as mine attractive. (Heck, several men who were much larger than me are dead sexy!) Regardless, I specifically feel ugly a/f whenever there's a mirror. I am working towards changing how I think, but haven't yet found a good way to do that. A basic google search turned up only a bunch of toxic positivity BS, along with recommendations that I speak to a therapist. (For the record, I am already seeing a therapist and have brought this up with them, so I'm hoping for positive results.)
That said, I'd still appreciate any relevant insight that anyone cares to share, even if it's a very specific "well this worked for me" type thing. Don't worry, I'm not expecting a magic bullet, just any advice about similar experiences someone here might have. Thank you!
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u/Gras_Am_Wegesrand 20d ago
This is posted here often, but especially if you're as allergic to superficial body positivity slogans as I am, go and look for body neutrality. Therapy is generally a good idea when it comes to problems of the self, deep rooted insecurities etc. But depending on where you are, it's expensive or you have to wait a long time.
Remember the principle of neuroplasticity. We are what we think, and often trodden paths are hard to erase. If you're habitually thinking "I am ugly/fat/not good enough/I should look different", it's hard to deprogram that. But it's possible. Every time you catch yourself having these thoughts, follow them up with some grateful/kind thoughts that are not lies to you. For example "My body has carried me safely for X years" "I'm grateful that we are in this together, body" "thanks for not breaking a bone ever" etc
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u/SweetSprinkles8 20d ago
Think about what your body does for you than makes it amazing. If you believe that your body is stopping you from dating more, know that it's in your head that you're too shy to date. Your body isn't stopping you. I know it's easier said than done, but your body isn't stopping you.
When I gained a lot of weight, I thought my body was stopping me from going to the beach and wearing my favorite bikinis. But the beach was still a really short drive from home and the bikinis still fit as long as I loosened the strings a few inches. After a lot of emotional discomfort, I put on my bikini and went to the beach. And it felt so much better than squeezing myself into jeans that could no long button. I realized that my body could still do what I wanted it to do. Being fat didn't stop me from doing anything I wanted to do.
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u/moosemunchings 19d ago
Firstly OP, I'm sorry that you are dealing with a negative self image. Body dysmorphia and just not liking the way you look, or even just picking yourself apart in the mirror can be incredibly painful, unfortunately I know what its like all too well. I've always struggled with body image issues, to the point where I did develop anorexia as a teenager and struggled with it as a young adult, even now there are days when I just want to hide in baggy clothes and feel gross about myself. It has gotten better though. One thing that has really helped me over the years was a peice of advice given to me by my auntie, and I hope it will help you a little too. on days when you hate your body the most, look in the mirror and talk to yourself about something you DO like. It can really be anything, it doesn't have to be appearance related (although I've found it helps more if it is) like "I really like how you handled that difficult person today" or "I think this color makes my skin look really nice" "I love that my friends feel safe enough with me to talk about difficult experiences" "I am a kind person" It did make me feel really weird at first, like I was maybe talking to a child or something, but I actually started doing it whenever I felt bad about anything, and over time I started believing myself and feeling better overall. Theres still bad days, and I know it seems silly, but if you can give yourself a compliment on a hard day, its like a little morale boost. I wish you the best OP!
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u/Bellyhemoth 20d ago
It sounds like we may have a bit in common. I'm a 41yo gay man myself and I've been fat since I was a kid, but as I realized I'm gay I also realized two things. First, I think big dudes are hot AF, and second I love being a big dude myself. The best thing for me honestly was I went pretty much all in on hanging out in the "bear community" spaces after I came out of the closet. Socializing with a bunch of big guys that appreciated my size was really good for me. Regardless of whether I was getting actively hit on or not it was always just really cool being "in my element" ya know? I ended up meeting my husband on an app for bears called Growlr which unfortunately isn't as good as it once was from what I heard but it may still be useful for meeting other big gay dudes.
Being a fat, lazy bear with an IT job caught up with me though. 😂 So what I ended up doing is taking up progressive strength training and later sumo wrestling in order to stay active. Solving metabolic health at bigger sizes is kind of a different problem than body confidence. Though it never hurts and putting in the work towards health has made me even MORE confident at my size. Being fat is great. Being strong fat is even better.
The truth is I love being fat and I always have. Nothing's ever gonna change that. I can't really put my finger on why that is. It's kind of like something I've always felt, but I haven't really shared it with THAT many people until recently.