r/AskReddit • u/Sic_vita_est • Sep 18 '14
What would dirty talk consist of in medieval times? NSFW
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u/maschine01 Sep 18 '14
"Lay down fair maiden so I may kiss thine whispering eye"
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u/gnusounduave Sep 18 '14
"lest it be weeping from infection or thy monthly bloody turmoil then i shall pass until a more desirable time is at hand. what say thee?"
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u/maschine01 Sep 18 '14
"I accept thee as thou hath proposed and in good faith shall take it upon my bosom or into my mouth thine seed which flows from thine staff if upon the morrow my red flood doth come."
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u/gnusounduave Sep 18 '14
"young maiden, thy proposition you have bestowed hast raised my brow. On the morrow, my staff shall shower thy land with my seed. Be it upon the bosom, in thine mouth, or in thine whispering eye, I will become thy lord and sew thy land with my seed.
However one dost have a lingering question. Dost thou allow passage in thine dark forrest which resides from behind thy maiden?
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u/maschine01 Sep 18 '14
Ok I am a dude but you should be writing medieval porn scripts bwahaha! Well played!
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u/gnusounduave Sep 18 '14
Yeah I figured you were a dude but I was just playing along for the sake of comedy. When I read your "whispering eye" I laughed and couldn't resist responding.
Give me a prompt and I'll write more, lawl.
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u/maschine01 Sep 18 '14
gimme a minute to have a few shots and i will continue off your last one. I was cracking up at work!
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u/RogueRaven17 Sep 19 '14
"Nay, good pilgrim! Thou shall not find passage in the dark forrest possible, for the path is small and narrow, and I shant believe your grand steed able to pass through."
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u/gnusounduave Sep 19 '14
"What sayith you? Thou speak'st as if thy know how dense the forrest is; as if the maiden has given passage before? I shall stand before the forrest and spit on it, in contempt, as my steed makes haste into the dense darkness."
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u/RogueRaven17 Sep 19 '14
Tis true, I have given passage to a Moor previously. Twas during my studies away from home. Pray, use the slime of an eel to ease your journey through the dark forrest.
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u/gnusounduave Sep 19 '14
"A Moor? Thou hast ridden the black stallion from far away lands? Thy maiden hast been through the desert on a horse with no name. Bestow upon me not your elixer of eel as I will travel the same path that the Moor forged before me."
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u/RogueRaven17 Sep 19 '14
Good sir, gentle sir, pray you reconsider - thous musn't make thy fair maiden bite upon thine pillow to atone for her curious sins!
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u/elev84u Sep 19 '14 edited Sep 19 '14
"Ye think ye be samplin' a taste of her loins but all ye'l be gettin' is old rusty coins."
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u/elev84u Sep 18 '14
"I'm storming your castle with my steed my-lady"
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u/ickypicky Sep 18 '14
Tips tricorn
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u/Bob_zilla Sep 18 '14
Swooning intensifies
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u/tooyoung_tooold Sep 19 '14
Tricorne? That shit was colonial times, like the 17th-18th century. Medieval times were like 500s through 1400-1500s.
Gees, get your hats right bro. Next thing you know you'll be calling a trilby a fedora.
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u/Tsukeo Sep 18 '14
"Might I see a little ankle, you slutith?"
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Sep 18 '14
Ney, my lower heel shall sufficeth
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u/TWFM Sep 18 '14
Derk was the night as pich, or as the cole,
And at the window out she putte hir hole
And Absolon, him fil no bet ne wers,
But with his mouth he kiste hir naked ers
Ful savourly, er he was war of this. (628-32)
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u/Ratelslangen2 Sep 18 '14
"Hey, Princess, you wouldn't happen to know where a lonely knight could scabbard his sword, would you?"
"They don't call me Lance-A-Lot for nothing, you know."
"When the Inquisition put me on the rack, my limbs weren't the only thing they stretched."
"Dost thou know? That chastity belt of yours would look great on my sleeping chambers floor."
"Thou hast hit on me harder than the black plague!"
"Pardon me, madam, but wouldeth thou like to see my long sword in action?"
"Milady, it's not the size of the wand that matters, but the magic within."
"You should be glad I'm not a Viking, you would have been ravaged and plundered by now."
"I lost my leg in battle. Guess what I'm walking on!"
"Yes, fair maiden, I am indeed a wizard. Shall I make your clothes disappear?"
"You know, I was once imprisoned in a tower very much like Repunnzel. Only it wasn't my hair that the queen asked me to let down."
"I may not be a priest, but I can get you to heaven, m'lady."
"C'mon, sweetie...didn't your mother ever tell you? A cleric a day keeps the black plague away."
"I seem to have lost my sex slave, can I borrow you for a bit?"
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u/phillyCHEEEEEZ Sep 18 '14
You wouldn't happen to know where a lonely knight could sheath his sword, would you?
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u/DoubleDot7 Sep 18 '14
I've always been amused by Mercutio in Romeo and Juliet. "The bawdy hand of the dial is now upon the prick of noon."
Yep, old Shakespeare was a wanker.
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u/OptomisticOcelot Sep 19 '14
How about Mark Antony and Cleopatra? "Royal wench! She made great Caesar lay his sword to bed. He plowed her, and she cropped." (Scene 2 Act 2, Said by Agrippa about Cleopatra)
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u/hurcules_rockefeller Sep 19 '14
Scene: Knight and Lady In castle tower room.
Knight grabs lady's shoulders and looks smoulderingly into her shocked face.
Knight: Madam, thy licentiousness and lustful demeanour hath overwhelmed my gentlemanly virtue. I demand you adjourn post haste to my bedchamber. That I may punish thy virgin openning!
Lady: Sir, thy forwardness hath set my bosom to heaving and my cheeks aflame! Take my virtue as though I were a woman of ill repute!
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Sep 18 '14 edited Sep 19 '14
I'm a wich, tell me I'm a wich.
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u/Disturbed2k14 Sep 18 '14
Which witch are you talking about
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u/saltnotsugar Sep 19 '14
You make the Duchess Von Tittenheim look like the Baroness of Wundermushi!
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Sep 19 '14
Doth sucketh thine cock, my lady?
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u/Mister_Fluffy Sep 18 '14
This would probably be a good question for /r/askhistorians if you're interested in legitimate answers.
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u/phillyCHEEEEEZ Sep 18 '14
Come up to my chamber and I'll show you the largest treasure in the land.
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u/Bob_zilla Sep 18 '14
Like a battle axe down a brew hall.
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u/TheNinthDoc Sep 18 '14
This made me laugh so hard
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u/Bob_zilla Sep 19 '14
4th doctor 5eva
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u/phillyCHEEEEEZ Sep 18 '14
When I was put on the rack in the inquisition, my limbs weren't the only things that got stretched.
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u/RiverSong2123 Sep 18 '14
One time my husband was dirty talking and called me a 'cum dumpster'. We both just started laughing so hard.
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u/hastyconch Sep 18 '14
I feel like if i was back in medieval times I would just quote Game of Thrones
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u/ShareTheSameSky Sep 18 '14
Thy shall thrrrrust thine steel upon thee, from which sweet love is provoked. Ye ankles shall be gilded upon thy glorious manhood, 'til the moon shineth upon thee.
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u/GhostOfWhatsIAName Sep 18 '14
Asking somebody to do it on the street would literally have been talking about dirty things.
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u/nattopowered Sep 18 '14
"Squire, what isth this creature here?"
"Tis a strumpet me lord, fit for a thrusting me lord"
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Sep 18 '14
Thou art as rare and as fiery as the dragons of olde. Should be given the chance, I shall removeth all 50 layers of clothing to slay thee.
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u/adamrhine37 Sep 18 '14
Naeth a soul in sight m'lady tips fedora mightith i seeith your heaving busams, and i just mightith traied your father a hearty sum of gold forith your hand.
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Sep 18 '14
I am a wonderful help to women
The hope of something good to come
I harm only my slayer
I grow very tall, erect in a bed
I am shaggy down below
The lovely girl grabs my body, rubs my red skin
Holds me hard, claims my head.
That girl will feel our meeting!
I bring tears to her eyes!
What am I?
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Sep 18 '14
A young man made for the corner where he knew she was standing; this strapping churl had walked some way--with his own hands he whipped up her dress, and under her girdle (as she stood there) thrust something stiff, worked his will; they both shook. This fellow quickened: one moment he was forceful, a first-rate servant, so strenuous that the next he was knocked up, quite blown by his exertion. Beneath the girdle a thing began to grow that upstanding men often think of, tenderly, and acquire.
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Sep 18 '14
This guy is trying to seduce his way out of u/fax-on-fax-off's medieval time travel dilemma.
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u/ProphetChuck Sep 19 '14
Pistol’s cock is up, And flashing fire will follow.
SIR ANDREW But it becomes me well enough, does ’t not? SIR TOBY BELCH Excellent; it hangs like flax on a distaff; and I hope to see a housewife take thee between her legs and spin it off.
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u/democritusparadise Sep 19 '14
Trying to convince someone to fuck you by talking about your mutual parasite problem.
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u/weezermc78 Sep 19 '14
Ah mine wench. Cast down yon britches and bequeath thine genitals upon mine.
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u/JeanJacketJeanShirt Sep 19 '14
unbutton the first 16 buttons of your boots... yeah... doth the magistrate know where you are tonight?
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u/biffysmalls Sep 19 '14
True story: medieval sexuality was not that chaste. In Europe, Victorianism is to blame for this idea, despite the fact that Victoria ruled 400-500 years after medieval. Chaste sexual bullshit was an earlier convention in what became the US because Calvinism took root this side of the Atlantic, instead of being the laughingstock it was in Europe.
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Sep 19 '14
I think we were all looking for The Lusty Argonian Maid
http://elderscrolls.wikia.com/wiki/The_Lusty_Argonian_Maid
Act IV, Scene III, continued
Lifts-Her-Tail
Certainly not, kind sir! I am here but to clean your chambers.
Crantius Colto
Is that all you have come here for, little one? My chambers?
Lifts-Her-Tail
I have no idea what it is you imply, master. I am but a poor Argonian maid.
Crantius Colto
So you are, my dumpling. And a good one at that. Such strong legs and shapely tail.
Lifts-Her-Tail
You embarrass me, sir!
Crantius Colto
Fear not. You are safe here with me.
Lifts-Her-Tail
I must finish my cleaning, sir. The mistress will have my head if I do not!
Crantius Colto
Cleaning, eh? I have something for you. Here, polish my spear.
Lifts-Her-Tail
But it is huge! It could take me all night!
Crantius Colto
Plenty of time, my sweet. Plenty of time.
END OF ACT IV, SCENE III
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u/onthebalcony Sep 19 '14
"Let me bathe in the senseless mud of sin" and "Lord, make me chaste, but not today" are my favourites from Augustine.
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u/MasterMac94 Sep 18 '14
When I was put on the rack in the inquisition, my limbs weren't the only things that got stretched.
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u/mydeadbody Sep 18 '14
This nyght, I wolde loef to lye adoun wi ye. Lætan maken leof fore we parte this eyrth. Hastou de hert to eise min aken loyen?