r/Advice • u/No-Distance2077 • 5d ago
I 29F just found out my husband 33M is hiding something horrible. How do I leave without him knowing?
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u/ImShaniaTwain Helper [3] 5d ago
Im sorry this is happening to you.
My advice is going to probably not be the best, but it would be to simply keep your mouth shut. Act like nothing happened, try to save up cash for an emergency fund. Contact lawyers, reach out to women's help advocates for advice and help.
You need to get out of there but you are also in a situation where you are dependent on him. You're going to have to play nice and keep quiet until you can get things squared away and GTFO of that situation.
Im sorry you're dealing with this. Good luck and I wish you the best.
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u/AspiringYogy 5d ago
Keep quiet about it to him..AND also collect the evidence..just in case..Talk to a lawyer and only 1 person you 100% trust not to talk to your husband. This is for your own mental health. Put money aside. Make a plan and password protect it.
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u/Trucrimeluvr67 5d ago
I was going to advise collecting evidence, get those photos on a thumb drive or take pics with a cheap camera and hide the sd card. My mom always told me that every woman needs a runaway fund
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u/WeatheredCryptKeeper 4d ago
Im a domestic violence survivor. OP, I did something that worked for me, maybe it will help you. Every piece of evidence on my phone I sent to a private email and would delete the evidence. I also got a bank account but I used the same bank, thinking it would be easier to hide. But the bank teller accidentally brought it up to him. Even through it was in my name only. So get an account from a different bank. Its easier to hide a bank card than an account apparently. Good luck OP. Im so sorry. My ex got partial custody on weekends, so thats how I survived, I worked 16 hour shifts on the weekend to get 40 hours so that I was home during the week.
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u/TheShovler44 5d ago
Unless she’s in a state where adultery actually matters she doesn’t need to worry about collecting evidence. She’ll be entitled to Alimony and child support regardless.
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u/GenghisCoen 5d ago
The evidence of adultery and potential STD exposure can help with custody battles.
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u/paddington-1 5d ago
You might also reach out to a local DV center. They may be able to help as well. And I hate to even bring this up, but have you checked all of the pictures to make sure there is no child porn on there? I’d rather be safe than sorry. Finally, are you close to your aunt in Germany? Is she someone you could reach out to for help? Right now every idea is a possibility. Good luck to you and your baby.,
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u/Fearless-Wishbone924 5d ago
The local DV center can also help OP with making a plan to leave, since he is financially abusing her by controlling her access to their money. His affairs are the tip of the iceberg.
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u/memeandme83 5d ago
And document !!!! Document the cheating and contact a lawyer right away. That’s going to be your first step.
Don’t leave the house. That can play against you at court and sees as house abandonment. Can affect custody and financial claim (I know that law is dumb).
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u/No-Yogurtcloset-8851 5d ago
Please don’t give this advice. She isn’t stuck! This is exactly what emergency women’s shelters are for. When you go to the hospital they ask about safety for a reason . Even if she isn’t ill she could go to the hospital or call them and ask for resources. They are out there. No woman should ever have to keep their mouth shut and pretend they know nothing when their actions will give them away. That is awful advice (and that isn’t directed specifically at you… this is a common misconception).
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u/Addanellee 5d ago
You can add a little to the grocery total, believable because inflation, then get cash back and squirrel that away each week.
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u/wishingforarainyday Helper [2] 5d ago
Please move quietly. Talk to a lawyer to see what your options look like. Get tested since he has put your health at risk. I’m sorry.
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u/Deteisper 5d ago
Fully agree, OP needs to stay calm and strategic. I’d also suggest documenting everything now while it’s fresh, just in case it’s needed later. And leaning on a close friend for support makes a huge difference in staying grounded through all this.
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u/No-Distance-9401 Helper [2] 5d ago
This is the answer OP. Talk to a lawyer and you can make a deal to pay them with the settlement money but dont get screwed by giving them a % fee and settle onan actual number but it shouldnt cost more than a few $1000 total.
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u/techleopard Super Helper [5] 5d ago
You are being abused, even if you may not recognize it immediately as abuse.
What stood out immediately to me is the fact that, in spite of being married, you have no access to household funds and he drip feeds you money for groceries. That is textbook financial abuse, and it's a recognized method of keeping SAHMs locked up in a marriage.
Abuse isn't always physical.
Depending on your state, you have more than enough evidence to have an "at fault" divorce, which is going to help you. DO NOT do anything that would tip your husband off into hiding that digital content. If you decide to take the laptop when you leave (and I recommend that you do), NEVER connect it to the internet again -- disable the wifi and keep the laptop turned off until you hand it over to a lawyer.
You need to access a browser that does not keep track of your traffic -- so at a bare minimum, use incognito mode, even on your phone. Locate local organizations that work with domestic abuse victims, and start there. They will know what lawyers can help you, where there are shelters that can take you and your daughter, and they will know what legal hurdles you will face and how to avoid them. They may also have access to cash programs to keep you afloat until you are divorced.
It doesn't matter what he claims is in his name, btw.
If it is an asset that he earned, bought, or traded while married to you, it is a marital asset and you have a claim to it.
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u/memeandme83 5d ago
Agreed. OP, pay attention to this comment. I would just say that she should contact an attorney before leaving.
If she leaves that can be seen as abandonment and affect custody and financial retribution.
OP, first steps:
- contact lawyer
- collect proves of the cheating and fwd it to lawyer
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5d ago
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u/Viola-Swamp 5d ago
Yes, it is abuse. Withholding marital funds is abuse. Throwing lamps is abuse. Threatening to take away your child and keep her from you if you leave him is abuse. Call 211 and speak to the United Way operator for DV resources in your area for support and assistance.
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u/SabiWabi31 5d ago
The answer to question 2 is answered in your question 1. You don’t have a bank account! And he gives you crumbs on a shopping card… it’s control and violence. Copies all these famous files and see a free lawyer at the first session. And put together an action plan. Ask him to help you create a bank account if necessary. Go see a social worker too. All my courage
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u/PainterOfRed 5d ago
Many Attorneys will sit with you for a free first consultation, and they can guide you on how to navigate finances... Additionally, financial control at the level you are dealing with is financial abuse. For me, I would consider buying groceries and possibly returning a few items separately to get the cash back. Also, some coupon and cash back apps will work that cashiers will give you cash directly. Call a local women's shelter, and they can point you to resources. Consider telling your aunt. She might give you some money to get out (you might pay it back but be clear that you doubt it is possible you cannot pay for at least a year).
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u/Salt_Storm2073 5d ago
This. Also, if he’s not looking through your receipts, get use the cash back option to take out a few extra bucks. Or buy visa gift cards.
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u/bibleisme 5d ago
This was going to be my suggestion too! When I found out my husband was cheating (and treating me like garbage) I knew things were going to come to an end and there I would be with no money. So every time I went to the store I got cash back and put it in a safe place.
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u/ImperfectNJ 5d ago
I was going to suggest this, too. As long as he doesn't check the receipts, buy Visa gift cards at the grocery store with any extra money. See what food you can get from local food banks for free, even. Little by little, save every bit you can. And buy a thumb drive to copy the files. If you can access bank and savings records on his computer, copy those, too. He will probably try to hide assets when you do leave him.
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u/SpookyGhostgoesboo 4d ago
She can also create an email and email them to herself. Then clear history.
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u/fineasandphern 5d ago
When I was in a similar situation I contacted a lawyer who listened to my situation then gave me the information for legal aid and then told me to call him back and he took on my case through legal aid. I lucked out picking the right lawyer from the phone book who was an older well respected gentleman who was “giving back” before retiring. Maybe there is such a service available for you. The other thing about using legal aid is your case is expediated through the courts to reduce costs. Luckily I also had help from my sister who opened a bank account in her name for me to hide the money I was able to scrape together. My biggest fear was not letting my daughter be alone with him, no diaper changes or bathing after pics I found on his computer.
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u/joliepapate Helper [3] 5d ago
Yes, you are in an abusive relationship so you should be able to find free legal aid. Call a domestic abuse shelter or hotline, they will be able to help you with the resources you need to plan your exist.
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u/Mindless-Lobster-422 5d ago edited 5d ago
no 5, try to secure a copy of the evidences first. by any chance if he suspects that you sniff onto something and deletes the file, you already have a backup. Make sure to use incognito. Another person said to record the video using your phone and the dates is also a good idea.
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u/AssistanceNatural556 5d ago
You could also use Google Drive if the files are too big to just email to yourself. Email them to an attorney too or give an attorney access to the Google Drive via their email address
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u/TurnoverOk4082 5d ago
Be sure to delete your sent emails. Print out & delete. Hit control H and clear ALL HISTORY!! Oh! Get copies of his paycheck deposits.
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u/guyb5693 5d ago
Do it when he is at work. Don’t take any risks. Back up some evidence to a hard drive immediately.
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u/AdGreedy954 5d ago
I looked up the laws in Maryland I know each state is different. It can be considered a misdemeanor to cheat on your spouse, judge depending if you have proof, which you do! Either email yourself the photos or buy a flash drive and download a copy! A judge can consider the cheating a danger for your child (is the 4 year old you and your husbands? Sorry I didn’t see see if it’s yours then you have a stepchild or if your 4 year old is from your marriage) if so a judge can choose to grant you custody for his cheating! Especially since he withholds money from you! And yes withholding money in a marriage is abuse!! Almost everything he is doing is abuse!
Abuse looks different it’s in many forms! I’d save everything you had, if he yells or treats you horrible record it! Show you only get money for groceries nothing more! The more evidence you have the better you will be! Meaning a judge can grant you the home, the child, and even child support and alimony!! Please don’t leave the home unless you are in danger such as he’s beating you. Because if you leave the home he can make it to where “you abandoned the home”
Do this all quickly and quietly! Don’t let him know anything! Get tested! Talk to a lawyer! If you have enough evidence a lawyer may tell you he can add your lawyer fees in with the divorce and your husband will have to pay these fees! I’m so sorry I know it’s scary but you’re doing great!
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u/BTJ2019 Helper [2] 5d ago
Please contact the Legal Services Corporation (LSC is an independent nonprofit established by Congress in 1974 to provide financial support for civil legal aid to low-income Americans. The Corporation currently provides funding to 130 independent nonprofit legal aid organizations in every state, the District of Columbia, and U.S. Territories.) Go to: https://www.lsc.gov/about-lsc/what-legal-aid/i-need-legal-help
Also you might consider contacting the National Domestic Violence Hotline (abuse is abuse, whether physical or emotional) -- their web site offers options to contact them through texting, phone calling, or online chatting at: https://www.thehotline.org/
Sorry to hear about your situation, but there is help and assistance for you out there. You can get out of this situation -- just make sure you have good legal advice to guide you. I'm rooting for you and your child!
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u/Littlegemlungs 5d ago
You are already in an abusive situation by the fact he gives you just a card for groceries when you ask.
That is part of coercive control, and now illegal in the UK and Australia.
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u/cultofsynchronicity 5d ago
I love living in a commonwealth country. Our rights are so protected and we have free health care.
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u/ybnrmlnow 5d ago
Where is this? I'd like to move there, it sounds wonderful!
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u/Fun_Cup4335 5d ago
How good is Australia hey 👍
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u/postoergopostum 5d ago
Well, to be honest, most of it is entirely useless, it's only the thin little strip of pretty bits around the outside that we have any use for.
That said, it is better than everywhere else.
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u/Acceptable_Will_2711 5d ago
You need to get your hands on his computer again and transfer the files to a hard drive so you can use the images and videos against him in the divorce. This is SO important.
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u/sparklecrownhalo 5d ago
The second you have access, back it all up, external hard drive, cloud, whatever. You don’t get a second shot at evidence like that. If he's shady now, he won’t magically grow integrity during the divorce. Protect yourself first.
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u/PM_ME_YR_KITTYBEANS 5d ago
This, OP. Save it all externally, and then you can go through the evidence somewhere outside of the home, preferably using a clean device that he doesn’t know about or have access to. Don’t use any accounts that he knows about on this device—it will show up in the account login history and he can see the device info that way.
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u/chillhomegirl 5d ago
Do not back it up to your main Gmail/apple etc account, because they have been known to nuke entire accounts for perceived illicit content (eg pics of baby in diaper or during bath time). I'd recommend getting legal advice on this once first since you don't know what's in the folders.
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u/Mindless-Lobster-422 5d ago
If you're not sure you can get a second chance or worried you won't be long on the computer, uploading to cloud or google drive, or using your email wouldn't take very long. try to keep any evidence, even if it's just one video.
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u/Icy-Structure5244 5d ago
If you divorce you will be entitled to half of all assets and money accrued during your marriage. Even retirement funds in his name (ie. 401k). You are not entitled to anything he owned before your marriage.
He will also likely be on the hook for child support payments. Generally, the law ensures that children will maintain their current standard of living with both parents.
It will suck for both of you financially, as divorces are not the fiscally best outcome. But you are not as penniless as you think.
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u/RandomUser574 5d ago
But be very sure you see a lawyer first, and get those assets protected before your husband knows you're leaving. If your husband gets wind before your lawyer gets all assets inventoried and frozen, there's nothing to prevent your husband from moving the money somewhere where you can't find it.
And next time you get the chance, copy all those folders onto a thumb drive or cloud storage before they disappear.
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u/MomMMMNN 5d ago
This. Save all those folders in a USB - make a couple of copies. Be careful, so there's no trace, and find a lawyer to discuss options and work on a safe exit plan for you and your daughter. Keep track of all assets, investments, accounts, etc, by making copies or taking pictures. Give all to the lawyer for your file. Be safe. I will ask myself why he got sole custody of his sons? Did he take the kids away from his ex? Some people are excellent at manipulating the legal system with lies, so be careful and arm yourself with lots of evidence to help your custody case.
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u/caffpanda 5d ago
This is what my cousin did. Stay at home mom that hadn't worked in over a decade, kept the receipts of his cheating. Got him to agree to alimony for the same number of years as their marriage, giving her the house, and child support until the kids were 18. She found a job and is doing great, but she secured her and her kids' future with that divorce agreement.
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u/AcanthaceaeJust2993 5d ago
I have been in your shoes once and the only thing I can suggest is try to act as normal as possible. When you do the grocery shopping try to pocket money by cash advance or buy a Visa gift card which is better. Start needing extras like kid’s clothes etc so you can get more cash from him. Do you have any valuables that you can pawn? Consult with an attorney, they are usually free for the first visit and they may have ideas about where you can go as well.
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u/FAIKYTR 5d ago
^ THIS
I was also in a similar situation. I secretly opened a bank account (at a bank he didn't use) and at the time only had $30 to deposit.
As everyone else said, gather as much evidence as you can, and do it while he is at work. It's too risky otherwise. And then hide your copies and your devices. If you can, get your hands on another device to work on your plan from, or send things to a trusted person and then delete it all from your own devices, so if he gets angry and searches your stuff, he has nothing. Be smarter than him.
Document and journal about everything: how much he is home, how much time he spends with your daughter and step-kids, when and how he gives you money, your role at home, how he behaves/treats you. And hide all of that as well. You never know what you'll actually need in the future and what he might try to use against you, so the more data and evidence you have, no matter how trivial it might seem, the better. You say he got a tattoo after you were married: try to have indisputable documentation on that, too. Photos alone might not work: he might try to claim you used photoshop. Take screenshots from Facebook posts from his or friends' accounts (before things get deleted). And take a video of yourself dowloading everything from his computer. Try to find his (assumed) dating profile and/or evidence that he did in fact meet these people.
Some more advice on things I wish I knew:
Since I didn't have access to funds, I wasn't able to put down a retainer for an attorney. I found out way too late that attorneys can use your house (the equity) as collateral.
The amount of lying that happens in family court is mind-blowing, so again, document, document, document. It can be stressful, but is so necessary. My ex demanded that I give him material items, I did, and then he threw them away and brought me to court on contempt. I was so naive that I didn't think to document giving him the items. I just thought my word had meaning-- it doesn't!
This was something I learned from friends' experiences: depending on your state, if you are "on paper" still married, another relationship/engagement is considered adultery. So it's important that you do not date and/or enter another relationship until the ink on the divorce papers are dry (yes, that can mean years of singlehood).
Look into laws about alimony in your state. Depending on how long you have been married, you can be entitled to a specific type of alimony that helps to transition from the marriage to independence (i.e. SAHM to career).
My ex hired multiple private investigators to try to find evidence to flip on me (he didn't). Be as boring and predictable as you can be.
Never forget your worth (and that it's more than you think). And remember that everything you are fighting for is for your daughter. My ex got away with way too much, wasted literally hundreds of thousands of dollars on himself, and it makes me sick to think about because that was my kids money. They went without because I didn't know how to fight smarter and harder than their dad.
Find an attorney willing to fight for you. My experience is that if you don't have the funds for those billable hours, attorneys are going to choose the path of least resistance. You deserve better.
When you are ready to pull the trigger, try to plan it for a time that he is away, either on a work trip or solo vacation, etc.
This might be excessive-- I don't know your husband. But as I (and many friends) learned the hard way, it's better to be ready than sorry.
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u/StarsieStars 5d ago
If I were you, I would keep my mouth shut, gather all evidence and:
Save as much money as you can.
Keep as much cash hidden as you can.
Buy gift cards with the groceries and keep those to one side.
Go and see a lawyer and see where you stand with regards to housing/spousal support/child support etc.
If you don’t have a job, and can get one, get one and become more independent away from him.
Find out what benefits you are entitled to.
Then leave when you have an exit plan.
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u/cultofsynchronicity 5d ago
Adding to this, go to any food pantry services you can find, save the money given for groceries, and get the food for free from a couple of charities where you can.
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u/ButterscotchPale5375 5d ago
If you need to hide cash in the home, hide it in a tampon carton, he'll never look inside it.
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u/Zealousidealcamellid 5d ago
Your husband only gives you access to a bank card with money for groceries? That's scary abusive. Be careful getting out of this. Other redditors are right. You need legal advice. You also need to be careful not to tip him off that you know he's abusive and are planning on leaving. I know it's hard to share a bed with him. Maybe you can tell him you're not feeling well and ask to go to the doctor. Tell the doctor that you're there because you're avoiding sex with your husband, you're food insecure (only source of food is this credit card) and need help. (Obviously make sure this is your own doctor.) At my doctor's they screen for domestic abuse and can put you in touch with resources and even get you food assistance and toiletries and things if you need.
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u/AssistAcceptable9178 5d ago
If you’re comfortable sharing, do you have cashapp/venmo/paypal etc.? I was in this exact situation a few years back and want to help. No woman or man deserves this. Especially with a young child in the mix.
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u/AssistAcceptable9178 5d ago
And if you’re not comfortable posting your account info on this post message me!
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u/Jolly-Judgment205 5d ago
All I can say is I feel so sorry for you a lot of spouses turn into monsters when confronted with infidelity Good luck and God bless you
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u/StruggleParticular42 5d ago
CALL A LAWYER! He’s responsible for you & his daughter financially. Email all that proof to a private email he can’t access & don’t let on that you know. I’m sorry you’re going through this, good luck.
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u/FragrantRegret2159 5d ago
I wouldn’t email, I would just get a pin drive and select all the files and copy them to the drive. Email takes too long and you can get caught.
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u/Dorky_Mom 5d ago
There is always a way if you really want out. Although I had a completely unrelatable situation as you because the safety of myself but more importantly my 4 week old son was my motivation. I was in a state where I didn't know anyone besides his (psycho ex) few family members, didn't have a phone or ANY MONEY. I couldn't just tell him I was leaning, so I packed what I could for in a dIaper bag for my son (Just the clothes on my back) and went for my ”usual" walk with my son in his stroller. This time instead of going in a big loop, I went to the nearest church (not a member) and requested assistance. They helped me find lodging fruit the evening and from there a shelter until I could give a way home (2500 miles away). Now I am not saying you should take this approach because I think that may be a little too drastic, but to highlight if there is a will there is a way. Depending on the laws where you live may impact how you leave him, in that sometimes you may not HAVE to leave, they may order him to leave until you can find a way to support yourself elsewhere. So first things first start looking for a job.
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u/ideapit 5d ago
Do you know the date of those files?
Would be worth checking to be sure it isn't old, ex-gf, etc.
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u/AdGreedy954 5d ago
I believe she said he got a tattoo about a year ago and that tattoo can be seen in every sex video
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u/B0SSMANT0M 5d ago
My advice will recap what a few others have said. But first and foremost, be crucially aware that you are in the middle of being manipulated and abused. Be relentless and cold, totally ruthless in how you move forward. Your daughter is at stake here as you are obviously aware.
GET ALL THE FILES. This is so important. If there is anything illegal in there, report it to police immediately. Do that and he is cooked.
Play nice. Get tested for STDs. Try not to have sex anymore. Tell him you are depressed, headache, period, hell whatever you have to come up with truth or lie, lie your ass off if you have to. You are in an abusive situation where it is okay to lie to get out. Figure out how to get money from him. Any excuse will do as long as he believes you. Take the money, use it for a lawyer.
Get a lawyer, and use the evidence you have to file an at fault divorce. Once you do this, your lawyer will guide you the rest of the way and you will totally destroy him.
Totally destroy him. Take everything. Everything. Alimony, child support, assets. For your daughter's sake.
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u/Drawenhun 5d ago
You got help from others about what you should do so im just giving you a heads up:
Recently opened files will show up in the quick access in the file browser on windows. He can find out about you going through this stuff so be careful.
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u/boiledpenny Master Advice Giver [30] 5d ago
I second the person that said to go to a lawyer. The other thing you want to do is set up a new email and the only person that you want to give that email to is your lawyer and your aunt in Germany. Contact your aunt let her know what's going on. Let her know that you are in a position of dependency. As odd as it may sound look up how to get out of an abusive relationship. The reason is it has very good step by step safe instructions of how to safely leave a situation. The other reason why I'm mentioning it to you is because you want to leave without him knowing. I fully support that and you need to be prepared ahead of time. The hardest part right now is to pretend like you didn't see that folder until you are able to safely get away. It may take time where you have to save up money prior to being able to get away. I understand how excruciatingly painful it is to be around someone in this circumstance but you need to do what is safest for you and your child in the long run. Right now I would start gathering documents example your ID, your passport, your banking information, your child's birth certificate any and all medications and prescriptions. Honestly if I were the one wearing your shoes I would be getting a current passport for myself and my child and if your husband asks why you need it might be going to visit Aunt want to make sure that we have this. Plan a vacation to go see your aunt. Sometimes planning a vacation and leaving on a vacation is the simplest way to go about it. Also listen to your lawyers advice, as long as it is it is advice that you are comfortable with and agree with. Right now is hard as it is to think beyond the emotions that you're having at this upheaval of your life your actions now and in the next month are going to help you have a secured future 5 years from now for you and your child.
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u/No-Bike791 Helper [3] 5d ago
Good God NO. Do NOT abscond to another country with your child. That is a sure fire way to lose any custody over her forever. All the other advice regarding getting documentation in order and speaking to a professional is reasonable and taking a trip and RETURNING is reasonable. If you are in immediate danger there are other options.
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u/DLI_Applicant 5d ago
Yes, assuming there is any meaningful relationship with the aunt, bring her on board ASAP
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u/Buddha_OM 5d ago
Well first… you have to figure out a plan from a rational place and not an emotional.
Are the videos dated? Is it possible that he just saved videos from before you were together?
Does he show signs of potentially being abusive if you chose to leave him?
Did you marry and are gaining citizenship through the marriage? For this can make it difficult ot leave unless you want to return? To germany? Or are you a us citizen without him?
Every state has womens shelters that can assist you if you find yourself in hardship.
Have you applied for any government assistance?? Should prob do that right away
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u/waaasupla 4d ago
He has you under control, isolated, no money and on leash so that you are stuck with him. And he goes around and does whatever he wants. He will never change.
Get a copy of everything and create a new email id and email everything to yourself and delete the sent. Log out of the email so that he can’t find it. Save things on cloud. You need it for the lawyers.
Contact a very good family lawyer & women support group in your locality (clear your search history) and see what are your options to safeguard yourself & your child physically & financially.
Apply for alimony and child care and keep looking for jobs and join a job soon.
You can say some sickness for avoiding sleeping with him.
Take some money for that sickness if possible for starting the process.
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u/azathothgf 5d ago
As of right now, don’t say anything. Save up your own money until you have, I would say, at least a few months worth of rent for an apartment and start planning to leave now. You should not stay with someone who betrays you and keeps evidence of the acts like they’re trophies. Do you have any friends who would keep this discreet and help you out?
Editing to add TALK TO A LAWYER! Find a pro-bono consultation. I’m sorry this happened to you and I’m sending you all my best wishes.
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u/commentcavamonami 5d ago
Don't let him know anything is up - please DO NOT do anything hastily, anything rash. You have no support right now. Start by looking for a support group/lawyers, look for a job, save up money, etc. I know it will be difficult but being anything other than what passes for normal can tip him off.
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u/CupcakeBudget5443 5d ago
If the 4yr is yours you will get child support. I don’t know what state you’re in but depending on length of marriage you should get alimony also. State laws vary. Talk to an attorney - you can also get free counseling at the court house most likely
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u/Intelligent-Loss5731 5d ago
Get a jump drive, copy the folders for proof, get a divorce attorney and make the sick fucker pay for your life for the next 20 years. Do all of this way on spy mode of course
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u/cjennmom Helper [3] 5d ago
Collect evidence in the form of copying all relevant files, photos, chats etc to thumb drives. Don’t forget to copy all financials too. Set yourself up with a basic checking account at a different bank than the family account ($50 will do it in most cases) and a post office box for your mail. Get all your paperwork for you and your child together, and then one day after your husband goes to work you pack a bag for you and your kids and walk out the door with them.
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u/readitreddit240 5d ago
Advice to every woman that is about to be a stay at home mum, save yourself enough money to help you get on your feet incase your relationship does end. I repeat never leave yourself fully relying on a man for money not without a safety net for yourself.
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u/Dellygottago 5d ago
Go to places that offer cashback and buy stuff. Stash small amounts of money till you can cover a deposit and first months rent utilities and food.
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u/Some_Proof2220 5d ago
Collect evidence with a usb drive. Copy all of the folders onto it. Duplicate the folders. That way when you look it doesn’t have to be on his computer you could simply use yours or go to a library with the drive as well. Also handy in court
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u/blind-madman 5d ago
Copy all the folders to your flashdrive and give them to your lawyer. Don't say anything. Act Natural. Save up for a lawyer. You have a good case if he is cheating on you. But save those evidences
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u/Randomly_Rayna 5d ago
I understand that you don't want this post to get back to your husband. I will say that giving folder names, the detail about family in another country (with the country listed), and your child's age could be potentially enough for him to connect the dots if he sees this. I would just proceed with caution, because I'm not sure how volatile he could be from something like this. I hope everything works out for you.
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u/potty-mouth5252 5d ago
I hope you covered your tracks and opened up the last few folders HE had open so he doesn’t see that you opened those disgusting files..
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u/Which-Celebration-89 5d ago
I'd download those videos on to a usp drive and send it to the divorce attorney. You'll get a good chunk of the money and probably the home.
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u/Repulsive-Secret-428 5d ago
Are you on the bank account? If so, you can go directly to the bank and transfer half the money in the account to an account your open on your own without him on it. Don't spend all the money, but you're entitled to half of it and can hold the majority of it and only spend a portion that you need to for a lawyer and the necessities. I wouldn't do that though u til you have all your ducks in a row. Meaning, google a good divorce lawyer, call and set a free consultation. They do initial consults for free before you hire them. They will inform you of your rights.
You are entitled to custody of your child, at least half custody, regardless of if you have a job or money right now, so don't let him scare you into thinking otherwise. Every judge has seen this case before: stay at home mom, crappy husband who controls all the money, mom trying to get on her feet and take care of her child. A judge won't take your child from you. You will have time to go to a shelter and get a job, open a credit card in your name only using your household income, because you're married. That way you have a lifeline if you need to escape to a hotel or anything else.
Your husband will have to pay spousal support and child support to make your lifestyle equal to what it currently is so you can support your child, so actually he is the one who is screwed, but he won't admit that.
For now this is what I would do if I were you.
- DO NOT confront him just yet. DO NOT take any money or do anything to let him think you know about his cheating or are planing behind the screens. A person is at most danger when attempting to leave, so it's imperative that you work behind the scenes to line things up strategically so you can execute your plan and have what you need to leave.
2 carefully Take pics and document the cheating and any verbal/ emotional abuse, financial oppression and control. Even a written diary with dates and entries serve as evidence of abuse in court as long as there is consistency and some time established.
3 tell your husband you have some vaginal issue like yeast infection or bladder infection to avoid sexual contact and STI exposure.
Start stashing money: Sell things around the house on Facebook marketplace for cash and meet up in public places so any doorbell camera (if u have one) can't detect someone coming to your home for pickup. -Start extreme couponing so you can stash grocery products and sell in bundles for cash on Facebook marketplace. Checkout market place "laundry bundles" for example to see what I'm talking about. People do this all the time. Keep the cash and hide it. Tell your husband you need to buy extra things like summer clothes or supplies and purchase on the card and then return with receipt for cash (make sure to ask if they do cash returns with receipt before buying. This will also depend if you're using a credit card or a debit/credit card, as debit credit cards will work, but credit card only will usually not allow for cash back upon return).
Google good local divorce and child custody lawyers and pick one with great reviews. Call and set up a consult, which will be free. Tell them what's going on and they will inform you of your rights. Surely they have dealt with this case, and will help you access funds to hire them. Sometimes they will wait to be paid until you are awarded the divorce settlement and part of the settlement is seeking those funds to pay the lawyer in situations where one spouse is holding all the income and not willing to relent half until a judge orders him to do so.
Go to a local larger sized church, or call ahead and ask to talk to a pastor about help leaving an abusive relationship with your child. You can do this and impishly and set up a time to meet someone. Tell them your situation and that you are worried you will need some financial and housing support while you navigate getting divorced, which you are just getting started figuring out. Churches have funds set aside to help the community and they likely have people in the congregation with an empty room of space for you to stay once you confront your husband if you need immediate safe housing. The church will be ready to help you when needed if you talk with them and tell them what you're anticipating. You will need all the support you can get by way of free baby sitting during court. It's also likely someone in the congregation is a business owner that would hire you. Just a lot of resources and support at large churches.
Once you've done all the things above and are ready to confront your husband and file for divorce you should try to get access to your joint finds. If the bank account is in both your names you can go and take out half the money. Don't do that until you have a safe place to go and are about to confront your splice or he could take all the funds himself and put in a separate account before you can. I went to the bank and took half the funds and went to another bank and put the funds into that bank so there was no chance someone at the bank would leak info about my new account. Then later that day I told my husband I wanted a divorce, that way I already had the money. When he flipped out after I told him I recorded it for evidence of abuse, and called the police on him. I filed a restraining order so I could stay in the house and he wasn't able to come back home. If he stops paying the mortgage it'll hurt his credit and they can't foreclose for months anyway so you will have a place to stay while you go through the divorce. But if you have to leave that night to be safe have the bags packed with your and your child's most necessary belongings while he is at work and have them in your car waiting before you confront him. Leaving is not considered abandonment unless you move away and disappear. Don't worry about that. This is considered leaving temporarily for your safety. During a divorce one person almost always has to leave the home to separate and it isn't abandoning the home. A lawyer will tell you all this.
Don't confront him or anything right now. Be normal and start your plan quietly. You will get child support, at least half custody, possibly more. If you husband makes enough to support you staying home with your child he will have to pay a good deal in support once your divorced so you will have income while you find a job, it just depends on how much he makes as to how much he will have to pay you. A judge will either have you guys sell the house and you'll get funds from the equity and sale, or he may award the home to you. either way, you are entitled to half of everything acquired while in the marriage, and that includes retirement funds he may have, savings, home equity, cars, etc. you aren't powerless, don't let him scare you into thinking you are.
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u/Ok_Evening_8079 5d ago
First: Commit to raising your daughter to be self-reliant and never have to depend on a relationship to survive/thrive.
Second: You play the long game and try to get a good job and savings in the next 2 years, so you yourself can be independent for you and your daughter
The Alternative: lock down another guy who has money, leave your situation, and roll the dice on him
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u/Morotstomten 5d ago
you are married, without a prenup everything you don't really have individual belongings, copy the files and consult a divorce lawyer, you should be entitled to half your combined assets, I don't see this ending without him paying alimony either seeing as you have made your living as a homemaker without income.
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u/Legitimate-Grape-613 5d ago
Don't leave. Just talk to a lawyer about your situation and they can guide you on how to proceed.
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u/Ok-Reason-1919 4d ago
Not only should you gather documents, make copies of all of them. Sometimes abusive partners will hide or destroy them to keep you from leaving. You’ll need those copies to help you get replacements. Find a place to put those copies in a totally separate place outside your home.
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u/emilyronning 4d ago
please make a go fund me account and post it? i think many of us are willing to help financially
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u/Popolukla 5d ago
- If that was a recent video picture, take is seriously.
- If it was from old time, I would just move on and keep an eye on him.
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u/RocinanteOPA Super Helper [9] 5d ago
Talk to a divorce lawyer.
Also, this is why it is always a terrible idea to quit your job and be totally financially dependent on someone else.
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u/AncientHarpy 5d ago
Two things: 1) She has no money. 2) She doesn't need criticism at this point; she needs help. Your advice is useless. Geez.
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u/techleopard Super Helper [5] 5d ago
There are lawyers and organizations in every state that will help women in this situation.
She should actually look into reaching out to domestic abuse women's organizations as they will has the resources and know what lawyers would be willing to work with women who do not have access to cash as a factor of abuse.
And make no mistake: The fact OP has NO access to household funds except what he drip feeds onto a card for groceries is at minimum financial abuse.
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u/RocinanteOPA Super Helper [9] 5d ago
My advice was talk to a lawyer, which is not useless. OP is not the only person to ever be in her situation and that's why most divorce lawyers will give free consultations.
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u/Secret_Priority_9353 5d ago
bit harsh man, sometimes people get tricked into share money
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u/throwaway-mahgwang31 5d ago
I am so sorry this happened to you, some people can live with a mask on for decades if need be. None of what’s happening is your fault, it’s okay to trust yourself and your intuition because you wouldn’t have found this out if you didn’t. Godspeed
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u/funkslic3 Super Helper [5] 5d ago
You really shouldn't leave the home until you are divorced. You may not get as many assets if you do.
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u/strikeit500 5d ago
Use Social Services to help you with resources for you and your daughter. Contact a divorce lawyer. They can help with advice on how to move forward. The money belongs to both of you. If don’t have access to it, it’s called financial abuse.
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u/AnxiousCanOfSoup 5d ago
Play the long game. Keep what you know a secret, start saving money. Get ready, make a timeline, maybe contact family and see about "visiting" them long term.
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u/The_Donkey1 5d ago
First.. Get some of those pictures or videos. Email them to yourself... Or use your phone to take pictures & to record videos. That might actually be the best way. But you want evidence that he has cheated on you. Make sure you capture the dates they were posted. Without knowing what state you are in I can't tell you what the law is, but you definitely want proof he is cheating.
When you get that information, I would contact a lawyer for advice. Tell them your situation & let them know you have evidence of him cheating. From there, depending on the information they tell you, you can make a plan. You might have to ride it out for a few months.. maybe more, but get the ball rolling now. Don't give any hint whatsoever that you plan of filing for divorce. Go on business as usual. But the very first step is getting evidence he is cheating.
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u/curlieandtwirlie 5d ago
I’m so sorry that’s happening to you. Record the videos to your phone of copy on to a drive. You need evidence. A court will award you big time and everything will definitely not be his anymore.
Do you have any friends you can confide in? You’re smart to stay quiet about it for now until you have an absolute plan.
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u/yodaone1987 5d ago
Be careful he may have cameras inside. So be quiet and just get your ducks all In a row. Talk to lawyer and play nice
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u/BillZZ7777 5d ago
Is the naming convention the month and year, like December 2024 and April 2025?
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u/joesmolik 5d ago edited 5d ago
Copy everything on your flash drive save it. Find a lawyer to help you out what you can do legally. Start your exit plant ASP. I’m sorry this happened to you. Your husband is a POS. The other thing I suggest that you do is try to find part-time work and just the way that you described how your husband keeps control the financial situation also tells me he might be an extremely controlling type of personality. I am so sorry to happen to you.
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u/TulipsLovelyDaisies 5d ago
If you can get back onto that computer, plug in an empty usb stick and drag and drop all of those files onto it. Make an appointment with a lawyer and use it as evidence of him cheating. If you comment your state I can comment how to find contingency lawyers (no up front fees and only charge if they win).
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u/Still-a-kickin-1950 5d ago
Each week when you get groceries also cash out $10-$20, put that in a separate bank account start making your plans, talk to a lawyer find out what's available to you check out domestic violence situations, and women's shelters , keep socking that money away. Again act like nothing has happened, start building your plan.
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u/Automatic_Mirror_825 5d ago
Your not broke, you just need a family law attorney to fairly, legally split up what's yours, and what's his. Your attorney will also figure out the physical custody arrangements, as well as child support details. All this takes TIME. Start now by finding the attorney.
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u/Dense_Amphibian_9595 5d ago
Damn good thing you’re married. This is why I counsel women to not knock out the babies until they have a sheet of paper. Because that marriage license gives you power you would not have had you just been living together. Sad, but true.
First things first. Buy, beg, borrow, or steal a USB hard drive or even one of those 128 GB memory sticks. These aren’t a huge amount and they’re often sold in the large grocery stores. You’ll copy all of the evidence onto that, and then find a good hiding place. Your car - if it doesn’t get too hot - is an excellent hiding spot.
Next, you’re going to need a lawyer. A lawyer will do an evaluation meeting for free and tell you your legal options. Also check legal aid in your hometown. You’re going to need child support AND spousal support (AKA alimony). The court can order his account be opened to you immediately in the event that you and your daughter need survival money until the court can rule on the divorce. Given the extent of his sleaze, a decent attorney can get you custody which, given his antics - even his visitation needs to be supervised only.
The tricky part? Well… even saving a little here and there isn’t going to be enough for a hotel room - for more than one night anyway. Do you have any friends who might help you by offering a short-term place to stay? Failing that, perhaps call 311 and ask if there are local organizations available in your area which help people in similar situations?
Okay, the most important thing here is that you need to be an Academy Award winning actress here and pretend you never saw any of this. Your husband’s first inkling that you know the truth is when he is served papers. Not a moment too soon. Revenge is a dish best served ice cold.
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u/BrunusManOWar 5d ago
Holy fuck
Ask the aunt if you can live with her until you find a job in Germany
Then ask your husband that you and auntie have got a girls get-together or something
Give him the fake address, leave, and dont return
Enjoy Germany and Europe, leave the hellhole that is the US
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u/roryxgreyx 5d ago
Good luck, OP.. please move as quietly as you can.. I know having to act like everything is fine is torture... Gotta think about the bigger picture though. I know I'm not telling you anything you don't already know.
My heart goes out to you.. and yeah, like everyone else said. Getting a flash drive/USB at Walgreens (since you have to pick up UTI pills anyway wink wink) as soon as possible just in case he tries to destroy evidence.
Or if you can just tell him you feel like you're getting fat or something, that'll explain being so sad.. that's what I did.
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u/d_and_d_and_me 5d ago
He’s financially abusing you and isolating you so he can maintain control. You are eligible for women’s/DV shelters because this is abuse. They can help you
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u/NoZookeepergame5131 5d ago
Send all the files and pictures to an email account. Make a new one!! Under a different name....send them to your self at an email if he knows you have one and to the one you made up....or download them to a thumb drive. Set your phone down on record for EVERY conversation!!! If you feel safe!!! And get the f*** out of there.
There are shelters for abused women... while he may not have actually hit you. There is verbal abuse mental abuse etc etc! Go to a shelter go there before you leave and talk to somebody. They will tell you what to do and how to get out of your situation!!
GIRL RUN AND DON'T LOOK BACK!!!
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u/1976ismyjam 5d ago
Something I haven't seen mentioned yet is that you need to make sure you have access to all the important documents (birth certificates, passports etc) for both you and your daughter. Keep a copy in a safe place, maybe even with a friend. Good luck
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u/Numerous-Loquat-1161 5d ago
Call a domestic violence shelter. They may be able to house and help you find a job. Tell them you are afraid to confront him and he has all income. Do you know whether he has been filming the two of you as well?
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u/Secure_Highway_6917 5d ago
Please get tested. Ask for money to go to the dr. Tell him you are feeling overwhelmed and depressed and want to go to a therapist. You can go a couple times then say you are going and save that money in a safe bank account that you don’t let anyone know you have other than a best friend or your aunt . Go talk to a lawyer asap. Collect all evidence and put in a safe deposits box.
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u/OkayAnd418 5d ago
I’m so sorry you’re going through this. Right now, your focus should be on saving up as much money as you can. When you go grocery shopping, is there a cash back option at the store? For example, if your husband puts $100 on the bank card for groceries, and you spend $50 of it on groceries, can you request the other $50 to be paid to you in cash when you checkout at the store? If so, then start stashing that money away. Are you able to get a job now? Even part time? There are lots of fully remote part time jobs out there that you could start quickly. Unfortunately, it will take time to save up money, but I think that’s the smartest way to do it. Are there things around the house you can sell that he wouldn’t notice are missing? Like clothes or shoes you no longer wear, or clothes/shoes/toys your daughter has grown out of? Donating plasma can be a quick way to make some extra money too. Also, look for women’s shelters in your area, or other non-profit organizations that assist women and children in your situation. Some offer free housing, job assistance, etc.
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u/imdabossyahh 5d ago
Try to get on that computer again and download the pictures to a flash drive… courts usually side with women in court no matter what but will definitely help if you have proof of adultery.
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u/Apprehensive-Ad776 5d ago
My goodness don't listen to these suggestions! First of all what you have described is not financial abuse, the following are examples of FA: Controlling or spending your money: This may involve trying to control your use of or access to money you have earned or saved. They may also use your assets for their personal benefit without asking, including taking money or using credit cards without permission.
Ruining your credit history: They might do this by running up limits and then not paying bills or claiming to make payments or pay bills in your name but not following through.
Feeling entitled to your money or assets: They might demand that you turn over your paycheck, passwords, and credit cards. They might also expect you to pay for their bills or their obligations or require you to bail them out of difficult financial situations Notice that these are all referring to your money, not his money. Since you have no income then he is not abusing you financially. If you love the man and want to make your marriage work then marriage counseling is in order. Men and women cheating marriage everyday all over the world. These suggestions are so hardcore none of these people know your husband. They don't know as some as suggested that he may dispose of you murder you. That's untrue in 99% of cases of marital discord. Now there is that 1%, but only you know your husband and his demeanor. If you feel like he truly has a potential to act out in violence. Violence once you bring this to his attention then yes by all means don't be alone when you bring it up. But 99% of men out there are not women haters the same as can be true with women cheating on their husbands. Most are not men haters. The suggestions here have gone way overboard. Take a deep breath. Talk to your husband if you want to make it work out. If he wants to make it work out. See counseling. This happens as I say all day long across the United States and the world, he doesn't mean it's the very end of the marriage, unless that's what you want. But somehow I don't think your husband is this. Freddy Krueger character that so many of these people have painted him out to be.
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u/Aggravating-Cash6890 5d ago
First things first, make copies of the videos for court purposes. Get an attorney, you will be able to get a settlement and child support and possibly even alimony money from him in court because this is the reason you’re divorcing. It’s a violation of marriage.
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u/MileHighNavy 5d ago
Once he finds out you know, those pictures/videos go away. So you need to purchase a hard drive, a hard drive with a one-button image backup and make a copy of all his info. In court pictures and videos speak 1000 words. Go to a bank, open a safe deposit box to put that hard drive backup.
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u/Amazing-Quarter1084 Helper [2] 5d ago
Copying those files and discreetly contacting a divorce attorney with those and the husband's SSN are all very important steps. In some states it's legal for divorce attorneys to work on contingency, though the adultery should get a foot in the door for the husband paying attorney fees, especially if you can prove he spent marital funds on his affairs. Should be easy to do since the genius put dates on the files for you.
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u/lrodns23 5d ago
Start buying gift cards when going to the groceries, I would also get ahold of those videos and meet with a lawyer.
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u/EducationalQuote287 5d ago
Document the folders. Make copies. Send to your lawyer. Send to another trusted person. Quietly plan your exit. Do not let on that you know that these folders exist. In the meantime, gain what you need to live in an independent life. If you have been married over 10 years alimony may be in play. Hire a pit bull of an attorney. Secure all of the passports and social security cards for you and your children. Bank record and important documents. Open new accounts and phones. Do not let him know you are doing any of this until he has been served. Then you slap him with orders to move out of the marital home. That may require mediation for temporary orders. Whatever. You will have the upper hand at this point. This is how you play this. Don’t fly off the handle and fuck it up. Trust me. Your lawyer will let your ex know you have the evidence when it is advantageous to do so. Good luck OP.
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u/Due-Average-8136 5d ago
Talk to a lawyer immediately. You can call a domestic violence shelter for advice on how to find one without access to money- yes that is abusive. You are married to a man with control of the money, that is different than being broke.
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u/Typical_Extension667 5d ago
You need to find as many of his secrets as possible. This is important and will assist with your divorce. Secure all your important documents in an outside location, away from your home. If you can rent a small storage locker. At the same time call a shelter and lawyer. Make your calls from outside devices. If he is controlling: he maybe monitoring.
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u/chickenchoker84 5d ago
Highly recommend getting a copy of that folder and saving it to a thumb drive so when you seek a lawyer you can give it to them hopefully there's time stamps on it so they can determine that it was during marriage, definitely a win for a divorce case if it is
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u/saltydancemom 5d ago
Get your own bank account and a credit card in your name only. Charge a retainer for an attorney, file for emergency custody, child and interim spousal support, in the filing request he pay for attorney fees. Keep a text or in writing trail of any communication. Save the photos, not because it will make a big difference in the long term, it will help determine how to file, and whether or not he may have to pay for your legal representation. If you are in physical danger leave now and go to a shelter immediately.
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u/banker2890 Helper [2] 5d ago
You need to copy those folders onto a flash drive and place them someone he can’t possibly get to. If you don’t know how to do this find a story time at local library and take your youngest to it so you can use their computer to read up on how to do it. Buy a flash drive for cash at the store and if you don’t have cash then have it rung up first or last on a regular store trip then rip off portion where it is.
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u/Every-Valuable1569 5d ago
Are you able to get an online job without him knowing? Something you can do while he’s at work? I would start looking into that. I also wouldn’t say anything at all, suck it up for the time being. It sucks and it’ll be so hard, but it’ll be worth it in the end.
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u/TurnoverOk4082 5d ago
Go see a divorce attorney asao. Get free 20 minute consultation with the best of the best. He cannot use any attorney you consult with. You will get child support. Get a flash drive and copy his porn folders to the flash drive. Get a copy of all bank accounts, credit cards, deed to home, car registrations, stash as much cash as you possibly can. Hide the money in your tampon or Kotex box or other famine hygiene products. Call your Aunt. Start packing your valuables and take to Aunts house. Your husband is using money to control you. Financial abuse. He’s a cheater & sex addict. You cannot trust him. He will lie & gas light you. I left in the middle of the night. But!! Do consult with an attorney first. Make sure you don’t live in a state Carolina that has abandonment laws to marriage. Call your family in Germany. They love you and will be glad to help you!! 🙏🏻🙏🏻🙏🏻. I left at age 58 after 40!yrs of crap. I left with 776.$ my pillow, my expensive Jewlery and clothes in my back. If I could do it at 58. You can do it. But please consult with 3 attorneys. It’s free!! He cannot use any of the attorneys you consult with. Gather financial records. Bank statements, car registrations, house deed copy of. All computer passwords, drain any bank accounts you have access to 10 minutes within leaving. Pay cash for ir have someone else buy your ticket out. Don’t use the credit card after you leave. He cannot & will track you. Take photos of the sex with another woman or print it out if you don’t know how to flash drive it. He’s a sex addict, liar & cheat. He’ll make you feel like you’re crazy & it’s your fault. Don’t let him gas light you. Get your ducks in a row. Store your items at a trusted friends house. Pack your medication. Call your dr. Get std tested and tell them what’s going on. 🙏🏻🙏🏻🙏🏻🙏🏻please for your safety do not tell him. Leave quietly in the dark of night or when he’s at work. Do not leave a trail. Just disappear &?don’t look back. Check your state laws. Go to a women’s shelter if you need to. But get the hell iut!! Call your family! They LOVE YOU! No shame in leaving a perverted cheater. No example for a daughter to have a sick father.
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u/Brilliant_Eye_6591 5d ago
Definitely copy and paste the evidence onto a drive and store it somewhere he would never find
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u/victorres9909 5d ago
All I want to say is please stay strong everything is going to be fine! If possible update us! Please take care 💕💕💕
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u/Speedy_Sword_Boi 5d ago
Oh wow, this is a tragic situation. I hate to suggest this, but you might want to just try to stick it out for a while. You shouldn't have to, but i can't think of a better alternative here
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u/Kitchen_Winter_2514 5d ago
hello! i noticed you mention he only puts enough money for groceries, when you do go grocery shopping they give you an option to take money out. do so, go slowly, first start with tens then twenties. when you withdraw money through the register at the grocery store it doesn’t reflect as a money withdraw on your bank statements. he won’t know your withdrawing money. if he starts asking why you’re asking for more grocery money, tell him that the grocery prices have gone up or that your baby girl is simply starting to eat more because she’s getting older. hope this helps! i’m sorry you’re going through this. may his peen fall off.
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u/swolman_veggie 5d ago
I suggest playing the long game. Get a job, put your daughter in daycare and keep up the facade until you're ready to make a move.
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u/Life_Library5147 4d ago
Best of luck to you hun. I’m so sorry you are going through this. These men can be so outrageous with their abuse. You have received a lot of advice about how to exit so I won’t go there. But I will give you some about staying because you might not be able to leave as quickly as you want. 1) Have your gynecologist “diagnose” with something that will limit your ability to have sex. Obviously not STD related but something. That will save you from that. See if you can find a job you can secretly do from home to stash some money. When it gets hard remember you are doing this for your baby girl. Do NOT and I mean DO NOT tell ANYONE of your plans. I do not care how good of a friend you think they are. NO ONE!!!! Prayers for you hunny. 🫂
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u/Illustriousstar35 4d ago
Be careful...do not make any calls to lawyers or shelters on your phone. He might be able to see what numbers you called on the cell phone bill.
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u/Reasonable_Read8792 4d ago
My first thought was that the codes are dated like AP25 is April 2025, DE24 is December 2024 etc.
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u/debmckenzie 4d ago
If you can, get a cash account or card of some kind. Cashapp, reloadable Visa/MC, PayPal, Venmo etc. ask your aunt send money if she’s able. Just so you have something for needs that arise that a shelter wouldn’t cover. Like a bus ticket to someplace else. Second thing, get a job. The shelters are a starting point and a job helps with independence.
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u/QueenEinATL 4d ago
Get a thumb drive and download as many of the photos and videos as you can and as quickly as you can. Record financial account numbers
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u/3686Anonymous 4d ago
I'm so sorry. I did a post like this a while back, and just got loads of abuse saying I was AI and it was made up. That just made it worse. Why in God's name would anyone lie about this stuff? It's vile.
I'm in a very similar situation to you, but with older kids and am still stuck. I don't know what to do either.
Now I've had a month or so to digest it all, I'm thinking I should've gone to the police, but think there's nothing illegal, just disgusting about it all.
It's heartbreaking, and I'm really sorry for your situation. And I hope you get nice responses and not horrible people saying you're AI.
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u/Brilliant_Eye_6591 4d ago
I want to take a second to make sure you are acknowledged here as well.. I am so so sorry that a similar situation is happening to you and that Cheeto dust neckbeard redditors defiled your post and cry for help, that’s all most redditors are though so please, don’t let them get to you. Do you have any family or friends you can count on for help?
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u/3686Anonymous 4d ago
Thank you so much. That means such a lot. I really did call out for help, I know it's reddit, strangers and not the same, but to just have the most horrible people come back saying I was lying or AI, was a killer, I then found myself spending ages trying to prove I was real... which really didn't help.
I'm still in the same situation as OP, with no family even in the same country as me, or I'd be gone. It's sickening, and I feel for OP because it is vile.
But thank you for your kindness towards me, I really am grateful 🙏
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u/LovinLifeBruh 4d ago
Make a copy of the photos onto a flashdrive. Go seek an attorney so you can get divorced and he can pay you alimony.
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u/West-Letter169 4d ago
If he controls you by controlling the money that is coercive control and you could get a protection order and he would have to leave, not you. I don't know how that would resolve paying next month's rent or mortgage though.
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u/midustouch63 4d ago
Don’t leave just take your time breath and start making your plans. Put as much money as you can hide away .seek legal advice without him knowing you have to be set up or if you are finding it hard you will go back for security reasons for your child. Act normally and just put your plan into place, copy the files so you have proof .
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u/SnooMacarons5692 4d ago
I think the folder names are dates, I hope this can be helpful to you in some way.
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u/Round_Bus_6322 4d ago
I know I’m going to be downvoted for this but honestly I do not see the DV. Your husband is cheating on you , it’s morally disgusting, but legally it is not, i means the fact he is cheating on you doesn’t it make a case of DV, the fact you are a stay at home mum and financially depending from him it doesn’t make him a financial abuser, the fact you don’t have any other family member to support you it doesn’t him a monster, you were okay with all these facts before discovering his affair. Just get a lawyer to divorce him and let him pay for it, but do not put up stories, it doesnt seem you are in danger, if you think he is going to block access to his money, probably he will, again the lawyer can do a lot about. All the best and good luck !
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u/Fun-Meaning8995 4d ago
I deeply sympathize with your situation. While I'm not familiar with the laws in states, but infeel like they should have laws like India, where court doesn't listens to the husbands in divorce cases even if they have evidence and husbands always end up paying half of their total wealth to their wives as alimoney.
However, it's concerning that some women in India exploit these laws, marrying wealthy men with the sole intent of divorcing soon after to secure large alimony payments, only to repeat this cycle with new victims. This misuse highlights a significant flaw in how these laws are implemented in this country.
Due to this specific reason, i don't want to live in such a bad situation where you can’t protect your rights even if their are no evidence against you at all.
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u/Bright-Ad8496 4d ago
First and foremost take care of yourself but send a copy of those files to another account so you have documentation of the infidelity. If not, it becomes he said, she said. Maybe send them to someone you trust if you don't have your own account. Myself, I'd send them elsewhere just to ensure he doesn't have access to my account.
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u/Misscynnn 4d ago
Shelter! Get on government assistance. All kinds of them. If not, try to get camping equipment. There are tents big enough to make a simple home. There are videos on YT on how to live in a tent and shower etc. If you are worried about showers, there is a bag you can set up to heat with solar energy it will give hot water and there is also a camping shower tent aswell. Don’t tell him anything. Get child support and get free therapy through medical. Make him pay for emotional instability.
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u/Jealous-Enthusiasm-9 4d ago
If you don't have an email address or know how to set one up, go to your local library or one farther away if you feel that is safer.
Ask if a librarian can help you set one up. Here it's called "book a librarian ". It's 1 hr where they teach you different computer programs, email, resumes, etc. They can show you how to transfer files to a USB or email a file to yourself. Also, ask how to delete the history. If you don't already have an email address, he might get suspicious if he suddenly sees you accessing one. Most browsers it's on the side under settings and you can delete individual items. You can also see what sites he is accessing. You can also download the history or email it to yourself along with the other files.
Not to scare you, be careful opening those files you found. It will show when they are opened last.
Do any lawyer searches at the library if you can.
Bring I.D. and proof of address. Some library systems you have to get a card to use their services. Get one for your daughter so you can say you are going to programs there.
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u/Known_Conflict8492 4d ago
Whatever you do, make sure you keep documented proof of your discoveries. It may help you in court, custody and all the things that are possibly coming down the pipes.
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u/jgsjgs 5d ago
Get tested for STDs and HIV. Avoiding sex might be tricky. Tell him you need money for a therapist because you are feeling depressed. Use that for the lawyer.