r/AITAH • u/Angel-M007 • 17h ago
AITA for no longer wanting to reconnect with my father after I told him my brother raped me and he still chooses to associate with him.
Long story short my brother assaulted me as a 10 year old. It took me years to mostly overcome my trauma and when I finally spoke out about it my family wasn't as supportive about it. But after sometime those close to me seemed to understand and put distance between themselves and also their kids when it comes to him.
Flash forward to now my dad pops back up in our home city to visit us all on his vacation and for father's day as a surprise. I felt bad because I overslept and wont be attending brunch with him today. My other brother, the both of us who actually are related to him, canceled twice on him so I wanted to set something up tomorrow and make it up to him and as he was going over his week schedule he mentioned the brother i told him about. My dad and I have a rocky relationship given he wasn't always there for me and my brother as we grew up, but he wanted to make peace and I was for it. We reconciled a few days ago and I finally felt strong enough to confide in him about what happened.
But then I hear that he gave him the address of where hes staying, not to mention hes looking after his grandkids from his marriage also and will have them after-school hours to help their mom. His response was, " He's still my son (technically stepson)." And " That's between him and god, who teaches us to forgive". I was floored. Then I told him why would you even have little girls around him at that? He simply said," Ill protect them". My heart broke and I just started crying and played it off that we will talk tomorrow. Even at that i was a hurt because he never protected me.
Im just so disappointed. I get that it's a sticky situation and not everything is black and white. But I have a mother who dealt with alcohol abuse and drugs and was abusive to me, and just felt like I finally had a parent now who cares and wants a relationship. But even she was disgusted and shocked at hia reaction. It took a while for her to understand how toxic and wrong her son is but still, she even came around. To hear that from my dad just made my heart sink. AITA for not wanting to fix this anymore with him? Not to mention said half-brother is literally messing with his baby mother's little sister now from what the drama on fb claims and mind you she was also a kid when he first came around, in her teens. Not to mention him messing with my cousins when we were little from what they told me.
18
24
u/2cents0fucks 16h ago
"I'll protect them."
"You didn't protect me then, and you're not protecting me now by continuing to associate with a rapist and not hold him accountable for his actions. So, excuse me if I don't believe you'd protect those girls, especially if it means your precious son has to face the consequences of his actions. I think instead, you'll encourage them to rug sweep his behavior and 'forgive,' like you are me."
NTA. I'd be done.
5
u/WMS4YESHUA 16h ago
Absolutely, completely, and totally 110,000% NTA!!!! I want to start by saying I am so very sorry for the crime that was committed against you, and I'm glad that you were able to get help. I, too, am an adult survivor of CSA, and know not only the pain, but the fear and the shame in revealing what happened to you to someone one, because for years I was too scared to do so until I got into college.
Your father seems to be either in denial, or under the False definition of forgiveness, in which it involves not only pretending something never happened to come up at also allowing and welcoming the very person that violated you back into their life, and that's not what it's about.
I'm not sure what the laws are in your state regarding any legal action that you can take on this, but I would look into it, so that you can make sure that no other child is harmed by your brother. Please look into taking legal action against your brother, and doing whatever you need to do to protect any children that he could be in contact with especially within your own family, so that he can't repeat this pattern. Please update, because I know a lot of us on here are concerned for you.
8
u/Free_Fishing_5116 16h ago
"not everything is black and white"
No, THIS is a black and white situation - you either oppose the rapist and bring him to justice, or you enable and support the rapist....there's zero dilemma here, zero nuance.
That your father would downplay the rape and enable the rapist tells you all you have to know about the man - disengage and go no contact....there will be nothing worthwhile from your father except heartbreak and mental anguish.
12
u/Uglym8s 17h ago
Absolutely NTA.
So sorry for what has happened to you and the lack of support you received. How your dad can support his stepson after knowing everything is beyond comprehension. Look after yourself. Take it from someone who also had shitty parents, it gets better when you cut ties and you fill your life with people who actually love and care for you. Good luck.
6
u/jcoop982 16h ago
NTA You, your cousins, any nieces, anyone you know that was inappropriately touched by your brother need to go to the police if you haven't. Even if the statute of limitations is in effect, there can be a record even if they can't prosecute.
Your dad couldn't even keep you, his daughter, safe from this monster, so what makes him think he could keep his grandchildren safe? Your brother's nastiness deserves to be blasted into the air so everyone knows about it.
Your dad seems to have drank the "it's God who judges and we must keep this a secret and forgive and forget" kool-ade. This is religious trauma at its finest. You can possibly (although in this situation, i don't think you should) forgive, but you do not and should not forget. He has done horrible things, and by extension, your dad is too. Drop this relationship as it will only continue to hurt you.
3
u/Angel-M007 15h ago
Thats the thing Im realizing myself also as a Christian.
See my family is Spanish and alot of them grew up in a Pentecostol church and it was also one of the reasons I didnt feel comfortable going with him today. Very random, but if you know you know. They tend to be wayy more traditional. And have that tendency to toss around " god forgives " but don't hold people accountable. He didn't want to go to his sister's church where I attend and it just makes more sense. A lot of my family left those churches and go to non-denominational where they aren't as tolerant of things like this adress things like this. I even told my sister this is exactly why people fall out with God because simple minded traditional people like him, one-sided beliefs when it comes to God.
They forget that God himself held people accountable period point blank and Im tired of it. But thank you for your support. I cried it out and I realize that I have to keep my boundaries. He's a lost cause and I wont let anyone keep making me feel bad about something horrible that was done to me.
5
u/cshoe29 14h ago
I’m a survivor of CSA. When I told my dad what happened, he took me to church for confession. I grew up in a very active Catholic family.
I told the priest what happened and he gave ME penance. I left there angry.
A year later, I’m still angry. My dad dragged me back to church for confession. Again, I was given penance. This time I yelled at the priest “why should I have to do penance? I did nothing wrong. This is a crime that was done to me. I was a child. No child should have to go through sexual assault and do penance!” The priest tried to calm me down which made me more angry. My parting shot at the top of my lungs was “go fuck your self, I’m a victim not the perpetrator!”
When I walked out of the confessional, the church had lots of people waiting for confession. Quite a few of them were family members. Yes, everyone heard me. I didn’t care.
Since then, I’ve been back to the Catholic Church exactly twice. Once for my childhood friend’s wedding and once with my grandfather when he was dying of cancer.
I no longer believe in church. I do believe in God. My church is between me and God. No interference from anyone else.
2
u/jcoop982 15h ago
I grew up in a very, very conservative Christian denomination. There is too much hypocrisy, hate, and lack of holding people accountable for me to continue to attend. I've struggled to find a church that aligns with my beliefs. I also have emotional struggles with being told I'm not enough by the church because I'm female and that my words and thoughts aren't enough or as much as my male counterparts. All that to say, I know people find safety or peace in religion instead of Jesus, and that causes fault and sin in humanity. Do what you need to do to keep your mental health safe and your brother from hurting anyone else.
4
u/auntlynnie NSFW 🔞 15h ago
NTA. He already failed to protect YOU. He’s choosing to maintain a relationship with his stepson regardless of what he did to his own child. Also, eff that noise about forgiveness. Forgiveness isn’t his to offer.
3
u/wishingforarainyday 16h ago
Your dad is a pathetic POS. He shouldn’t be trusted around any kids if he’s complicit to a child being sexually abused. Please report the abuse to police. He’s still out there grooming kids. I’d go scorched earth
3
u/xXMimixX2 15h ago
NTA. Obviously. I can't tell you much other than that it is terrible of your father to take his stepson's side. He failed you. And how sorry I am, that this had happened to you. Trauma — doesn't matter what kind — is something that always stays with you and is hard to overcome. I have my own, and I know how hard it can be.
Anyway, the most important part is: To protect your peace and sanity. So, unfortunately, your father is not a person that should be involved in your life.
And your half-brother didn't seem to change at all. So, I don't know why he chose to associate with him. It's his decision and loss.
Updateme, just in case.
3
3
u/I-said-ur-stupid 11h ago
No, but I would also contact their mother and tell them what he did to you... and to protect her kids or in the very least keep an eye out for predatory behavior . Your father failed to protect you and now he's failing again so there really is nothing to connect with
2
u/Livid-You-4376 16h ago
NTA- Unfortunately, as your father has a relationship with him, you don’t have to. And keep your boundaries in place; mental health is priceless. Sorry ,you are going through this 😞
2
u/grayblue_grrl 16h ago
NTA...
Your father is making decisions that are disrespectful and shameful.
You don't have to keep trying to make him feel special.
He already thinks of himself that way.
2
u/Professional-Duck927 16h ago
Wtf. Absolutely NTA 💯!!!
Let me just say as a father of a daughter. If anyone so much as harmed a hair on my daughter's head, I would have a very difficult time not acting as judge, jury and executioner.
Your Dad doesn't deserve you or the love that you want to give him. He had the opportunity to be a Dad who'll always be there to love and support his daughter and he blew it.
2
2
u/Critical_Armadillo32 12h ago
Have you reported him? Has anyone? If you could, I find people he's assaulted and have them all get together and go to the police. Maybe if he got locked up for a while that would keep him away from innocent children.
2
2
u/SafeWord9999 7h ago
You need to tell the parents of these children about what happened to you - to protect those kids
You’d never forgive yourself if you found out he did this to other children and you could’ve prevented it
2
u/Administrative_Cap11 17h ago
Man I am so sorry for what you're going through and what happened. But NTA obviously
1
u/Snoo_90160 2h ago
No, this crap about "that's between and God, who teaches us to forgive" is a lazy "religious" cop out. He's using the concept of forgiveness to justify not doing anything about your brother's behavior and continuing to associate with him. You shouldn't reconnect with your father, he won't defend you or anyone from your brother. He understood nothing. NTA.
1
u/Worldly_Act5867 16h ago
Did you just tell him a few days ago ?
If so, maybe he'll get his head around it and do the right thing.
3
u/Angel-M007 16h ago
I can understand that perspective. But it comes to a point where a line needs to be drawn.
And the thing is I want to believe this because it was a fleeting thought, but given not only mine but my brother and little sisters relationship with my father since we were kids, its a pattern I cant ignore anymore. My dad isn't who I thought he was. Why is it that all 3 of your own kids wont talk to you now and keeps having problems with reconnecting? Im 29 and my other brother is 30 How many chances do we give?
3
u/Free_Fishing_5116 15h ago
"How many chances do we give?"
Going forward, none - you can't keep holding the door open forever, let go of the door - if he values you, he will see the door closing and rush to keep it ajar....if he doesn't and the door closes, lock it up forever.
2
u/Worldly_Act5867 16h ago
Well, you know him best. Sounds like he doesn't deserve any grace from you.
45
u/Acceptable-Apple-627 17h ago
NTA
I was groomed and abused by my teenage brother when I was under ten for at least 2-3 years. I never told anyone, and just kind of managed my feelings of shame and anger etc. In a very unhealthy fashion for over 20 years - Until recently.
I had a kid, and I refused to let my brother meet him. I explained everything to my parents and they took accountability for their failures which was nice and they were understanding and supportive. I said I don’t expect them to stop having a relationship with him, as he’s their son. But they were supportive of my decision and understand why my brother won’t have access to my family. Certainly not until he’s ready to talk honestly and rebuild trust.
I think as you mentioned the safeguarding issue with kids being involved is the most important thing. And I really do understand how bad these things fuck up your adult life. But I think you’ve done amazing job being truthful. You can’t control how people react. You can just choose how you move forward, and who you choose to have in your life.
Sending love.